And we went through lots of things. We talked about how I was coping with my anxiety, and went through the CBT forms that I’ve been filling whenever I get anxious. We also talked about how I’ve been handling mood swings, and if I’ve been feeling depressed after our latest meeting (which I haven’t, but I’ve come pretty close).
I realised why we started off with such a holistic discussion after she arrived at the point. My therapist believes that what’s been fuelling my depression, and developed my anxiety is the fact that I’m such a perfectionist. When she explained it to me, it made perfect sense. I did not have any problems admitting to it, I’ve always been aware that I am a perfectionist, but I never thought that it was a bad thing. In fact, I thought that it was a good thing.
Well, at least this was the case until my therapist explained how perfectionism works, the way it can really bring me down, and how it’s triggered a few of my previous episodes. How it’s led to my constant breakdowns over the past few months, and all my anxiety issues. It made sense how it was all related.
It really hit me then, and I was crying when I realised it. I felt so upset because I thought perfectionism would make me happy. But in fact, it most likely is why I’m making myself so unhappy. I’m in a constant state of frustration, because it doesn’t matter how anybody else views it, nothing that I do is ever good enough. Not for me.
This is why I’ll be approaching my issues with depression and anxiety differently from now on. With the help of my therapist, we’ll work through my issues with perfectionism. I really think this time, it will work out for me. I’m praying that it will.