It just didn’t seem like I could catch a break.
It’s no secret that I’ve been battling a spill since mid January, but this episode really peaked when I had a major breakdown last month. When I returned home from uni on the 19th, I felt that post-graduation life and opportunities looked so bleak due to circumstances that I have no control over, nor fault in creating. It was all so unfair, and so cruel. To top that off, all my break plans were cancelled, and I accidentally spilled coffee on my laptop’s keyboard and it’s yet to be replaced.
I went to my advisor the next day for a meeting, and had another breakdown before we started the discussion. Now, my advisor and I are on great terms, and I’m glad it was in a meeting with them, and not someone else, but I’m upset that this had to happen in the first place. Though I keep telling myself, there’s no reason to shut my emotions down, it’s okay to feel the way I felt, and what’s most important is that I do have a breakdown, so I can come to terms with things, and let go of some of them.
That being said, the week after was not any easier. Problems just started turning up right and left. To be honest, I am not having any of it. I don’t feel like I’ve got the energy to deal with girls at uni that still think they are high-school queens, or guys that think they are god’s gift to this earth. I’m not having any of it. I do understand that the competitive aspect of my major, and especially my college brings this out of people, but dealing with a relatively small class, and having to put up with immaturity and stupidity for four years really started to bring me down. So I kept having breakdowns. By that point, I just wanted it to be over, I just wanted it to be spring break already.
Spring break started well. I went and picked out a dress for a friend’s wedding. The whole event was a thing of beauty, she looked gorgeous. I personally enjoying catching up with people I haven’t seen since graduating from high school, and it reminded me of how grateful I am to have friends like those (some of them have been there since primary school), and how little some of the college idiots matter when you think of the other amazing people right there.
So yeah, I would say that tonight I feel that I am at a better place, but I wouldn’t say that I have gotten through this episode yet.