Had a huge fight with my mom. We haven’t spoken for weeks. I’m freaking out because some guy she’s been dating for the past few weeks proposed to her. They don’t even know each other. Eveything’s happening way too fast. I think they’re being childish. To make matters worse, my mom thinks I’m “acting up” because I miss my dad. “Yeah, right”. I don’t even talk to him either. Things like this are the reason why I’ve wanted to leave home for years, but I still can’t afford it. I’m not a kid anymore. I feel helpless and I’ve been crying a lot.
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I should just delete this goal. Don’t believe in it, don’t think it’s worth it. BUT…. The only reason I keep this goal in my list is because I feel I owe it to the people who gave me cheers. Thanks btw.
Yesterday I had to do a presentation for some class in uni and the weird thing is I didn’t feel that nervous. This has happened only twice in my life (a few weeks ago in a different class). Like I said, it’s weird since I always freak out because of my stage fear and my shyness (and no, I don’t have a problem with shyness. I’m happily shy).
I knew this was going to be difficult. Most info (books, online articles, magazines, etc) is focused on improving X thing about yourself so that you can find someone afterwards. I’m not saying that’s wrong. Just saying that’s not what I want! I don’t care what strangers think about me, but I find the whole “people won’t judge you if you’re single because it’s the 21st century” thing annoying. It’s not like that at all.
Aug 29 2012: Finally managed to organize my university schedule so that I can work half-time shifts, 3 or 4 days a week. Thanks everyone for your support :)
I’m starting in June. However, I might have to change plans (summer clases at uni in order to save time) and that’s why I’m not marking this as “done” yet. I believe this is more important since it has to do with my health. I’ve been having psychotherapy sessions for a while because of anxiety and depression. It’s key that I attend at least twice a month so that’s why I need the money. Therapy is not that expensive, but my parents are getting divorced and I don’t want these ‘extra’ expense to become a burden for them. Besides, asking them for money kinda hurts my pride lol, even though I know I can’t get a full time job because I’m still an undergraduate. It may sound stupid but I worked part-time for a few months before uni and I felt more secure and responsible. I miss that.
I can’t even french braid someone else’s hair and I’ve heard you need to master that skill before you try french braiding your own hair. However, my sister has just learned how to do it. I’ll ask her to teach me.
I’ve been thinking about this goal for a few days and I’ve heard a lot of “happiness comes from within” kinda stuff lately, so I figured I’d put it on top of my list to see what happens. This is not easy for me at all. My grandpa got ill over the summer and died a couple of months later. My parents are getting divorced. Uni and therapy are making me emotionally exhausted. I know both of them are good for me on the long run, lol, but still.
This is too annoying for me. Last semester, one of my teachers said we had to do another presentation and I couldn’t help saying “Noooo!” out loud, in front of the whole class. This guy that was sitting next to me laughed sympathetically, though. lol. I wish I didn’t need this as a uni skill. I’m shy and aside from that I think I have some level of social anxiety.
Jan 14 2012: I wanted to wait a couple of weeks in order to be 100% sure that I could mark this as “done”. lol. I’m not angry at him, I don’t wish him bad, but at the same time I don’t wanna talk to him and I don’t feel like seeing him. It’s taken years, but it’s worth it.
I think I’m failing this one so far. Today I had to e-mail my teacher about how I haven’t attended online classes at uni for a few days because I had a horrible migraine last week and I was supposed to use the computer as little as possible and also stay in bed in the afternoons, but I accidentally e-mailed the whole class because I’m using a slow connection and the pop-up “write new message” window wouldn’t show up right and the two reply links have very similar icons and are located next to each other. I feel like such an idiot. I swear I’ve had an e-mail address for years and this has never happened to me. I forgot to make it clear that I did go to regular classes at uni (even though I had to turn in some homework late because I wasn’t supposed to use the computer) and I wrote that I was a little worried because the class had no prerequisites whatsoever but then I only found out like a couple of weeks ago that this subject was for people majoring in Architecture and I chose it as an elective. To make matters worse, we’re having a holiday next week and most people travel and I wrote that I’d stay home to catch up with schoolwork. I’m so embarrassed. I know it’s not like I was writing a personal e-mail and I know it’s the first time this happens to me and I know it was the Internet connection’s fault because it made the pop-up window load incorrectly, but still. This is awful. Besides, I’m a very reserved person and I don’t like people to know I’ve been indisposed or that I’ll stay home for the holiday or stuff like that. lol I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m obviously terrible at letting go of embarrassing moments like this one. I’m stressed out and this just made my day a lot worse.
I have a specific set of websites that I like to check and I grew tired of forums and the like. Internet is good but it isn’t all there is to life. I’ve spent a couple of days without it on occasion and I’m ok.
Seriously, I wouldn’t even begin to think about doing this if I didn’t have to do school presentations. I’m shy. lol.
I’m a little frustrated with this goal. So far, I’ve only gotten interesting but temporary jobs, such as being an assistant in a library. I’m still at uni and I keep having weird schedules, so it all becomes harder. I need a stable job more than ever before, since my parents are breaking up and I want to move out in 3 years max.
Lately I’ve realized he simply is a bad person. We were young and I thought he was just being immature or clueless, but ever since our more-than-friends thing started he kept hurting me emotionally (even in ways that could have seemed meaningless, like a hypercritical remark here and there and the like). I did notice but I guess I let it all slide because I was in love with him. I was passive-aggresive but most times I just swallowed my feelings because I didn’t want to hurt him when we argued. He “dumped” me but he kept leading me on and off. I should have never given him my heart. I feel like such an idiot. He was playing with me all along. It’s embarrassing. A few days ago I told my therapist I don’t believe in love anymore. I guess I’m better off that way anyway.
I’ve been doing some reading and the opposite sex is pretty much all I talk about at my therapist’s office, lol, so I’ve discovered a lot. I know I’m a little passive-agressive at times and I shouldn’t be. Every time the guy did or say something wrong I swallowed my feelings just because I didn’t want to argue. I accept the fact that I made mistakes. Even so, he left me without explanations and even after that he kept leading me off/on for a couple of years. We were long distance for a while and he kept offering he would visit me, but kept postponing it. I didn’t mind waiting, but I was upset that he said he was about to do it and in the end he didn’t. We were young and I didn’t realize this is not how love is supposed to be. I don’t wish him bad, I never contact him, I even avoid him ‘cause I feel uncomfortable near him, but I think my anger is the reason why I can’t get over this. To make matters worse, at first I didn’t want to admit to the fact that I was in pain. I was in shock. He acted as warm as usual and all of a sudden he left me and he never explained why. I know we weren’t dating per se, but we had this more-than-friends thing going on and he knew I was in love with him. I think he should have been tactful and honest, but no, he confused me and lied to me. I’m in my early 20s and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time trying to get over and I’ll never get that time back.
What annoys me the most is the fact that he acts as if I wasn’t entitled to my feelings. According to him, I had no reason to fall for him (we were best friends, I started to fall for him slowly, we talked, and he told me he was feeling something else as well), I have no reason to feel heartbroken and I have no reason to reject his so-called friendship. The hardest thing for me is to deal with the issue of having mutual friends and acquaintances, because even though they didn’t really know about us (we were taking it step by step), he was very effusive and I think some of them might have guessed we started being more than friends, so I’ll bet they feel sorry for me and I’ll bet I ended up looking like an idiot. That’s how I feel right now: idiotic, lonely, hopeless… and I’ll always be the girl who can’t find a guy that’s worth it.
Back in high school our teacher wasn’t the best and I guess I ended up getting a mental block about it all. I need to re-learn what I forgot and learn what I never got to fully retain. Calculus doesn’t really have much to do with my career, but I want to be able to say I can deal with Calculus just for the heck of it and to feel better about myself, lol.
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