Well, it’s official. I think I’m crazy. Or a huge part of me is. I hallucinate. I talk to myself. I imagine people near me and gesture at imaginary adversaries.
For 2 days now, I’ve been brooding like mad. On and off. Lows of fighting the urge to write hatemail. To the sister, to Liz, to the mother. To the X. Imagining conversations with my mother about not wanting to see anyone again. About moving.
Just had another crazy fantasy of screaming at my sister. And more scary thoughts.
I remember coming to my boss last year in tears to tell him I had to leave. And the reason for it. He was nearly in tears too. I remember 3-4 years ago ish, I was drawing horrific hate images to my family. I think it said: F- You. Die.
I have this need to express my very deep hate, resentment for the family that mistreated me. Though it wasn’t newsworthy mistreatment, the idea is that it needs to be acknowledged and no one will see it. No one will take responsibility. No one EVER acknowledges me. I always get some kind of: ‘It’s normal’; ‘Everyone is like that’. Always a form of: ‘There is nothing special about you. I refuse to see you’.
So that’s life at home. No one hears me. No one ever has heard me. No one wants to.
The trauma stems from childhood. Today, the lack of validation should be deemed innocuous. But it’s not to me.
As a child, it was screaming, verbal and some (not much) physical abuse. Especially screaming. Lack of encouragement. Negligence. Some smothering. Impositions. Lack of proper teaching. Lack of skill teaching. Lack of sense of self. Lots of ‘you suck’. Lack of nurturing. I’ve been reading. It’s abuse.
And all those years repressing it, this abuse not having been acknowledged, it’s made me crazy. I think I have PTSD.
It drives me mad because I’m alone. I’m the only one who knows I was mistreated by my sister. No one will see it. I’m the only one who’s outraged by how we were treated. The sisters are over it. It’s not okay. It was never okay. Someone somewhere has to pay. I need justice.
My Dad just pat me on the head in benevolence the other day. I’m not a dog. I’m not your daughter. It sends me to a rage, when I think about it.
So when we were younger, the abuse was IMO, fairly severe. Today, there are remnants of it. But it’s all in all, a fairly okay environment. But my standards rose since then. On top of the un-acknowledged childhood abuse… The Brady Bunch attitude drives me mad.
I refuse to acknowledge you. You shall not be an equal. You shall be denied.
And this applies to e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I think it’s some kind of power trip.
Mom’s pettiness… superficially innocuous right?
- Hey Mom, my teacher is so proud of me.
- So, is he going to give you a job?
- Hey Mom, me employers are so happy with my job.
- So, are they gonna give you a raise?
- Hey Mom, here is a good product you asked for. It has a very specific ingredient.
- All products are the same.
Mom’s pettiness, to the formerly abused child. ‘For f-ck’s sake. Can’t you acknowledge ANYTHING??? I see the sky is blue! Are you going to tell me EVERYTHING is blue. It’s ALWAYS blue?!!! Why can’t you see what I see?!!! Why do you HAVE to deny it?’
- Hey LADIES! We suck! Our family sucks! Wake up!!! Why doesn’t anyone see what I see?
- Oh relax, all families are dysfunctional.
I’m hallucinating. I’m psychotic. I have violent fantasies. I have the urge to write hatemail. I understand bullied kids who wake up one day and wack everybody.
I get them. I’m one of them.
I was thinking, since I don’t have the skills to express myself to these perpetrators and to be honest, they’re pretty harmless today…
I still need to express myself. I still need the acknowledgement. And if I get enough of those two things, maybe it will relieve me… I don’t know. I’m pretty decided on moving too… It should all help, right?