Nicolina3

No progress. I geuss eating non-stop for a week harbors real consequences in the dieting world. Damn it, and I was doing so well :)
Now I feel, like I am back to where I started. Ok… On my scale it says that I am 135 pounds. But I don’t believe it. I remember weighing 135 pounds, and it didn’t feel like this. I am probably more like a 140 pounds. So, that means I deffinetly still have… 20 pounds to go.

We are born into this world with the idea that there are things we can not change. I, myself, have never really believed the proverbial “them” and the western philosophy that we are born into this world with out any control over anything. That life just simply happens to us, and we are to walk through this world at the mercy of fate or destiny.

There is a great thinker by the name of Alan Watts who believes we come from the world, and that our reality is a manifestation of our minds. He does a nice talk on quantum physics and the Universal Law of Attraction.

So here are two opposing philosophies on the human experience. What has this got to do with my mission to “let go of the things I can not change”.

Because of Heart Ache…. ladies and gentleman… heartache!

I was sixteen when I met him, on an outwardbound excursion which traveled around the USA for three months. We met and fell in love, in the deserts of New Mexico and on the River Banks of the Rio. We met each others parents and our parents met each other, and we spent every waking second together. He would sneak to my dorm room at night, I to his. Vacations were spent together. He would come home with me, I would go home with him. I met his cousins, Aunts and Uncles. He met my Uncles Aunts and friends. It was as though we were engaged, or Married. Both our parents would have approved…etc..etc..

Then cam graduation, he was one year a head of me, and so… the last year of our relationship wasn’t as Utopic as the first two because we were apart, and long distance was hard.

Neither of us really included the details of what happened to us when we were apart. I would never know of his life over there, and he wouldn’t know of mine else where. But, that didn’t stop us from seeing each other during x-mas and summer and spring. Untill, the summer of my graduation.

When I finally graduated, I decided that I didn’t want to jump straight into College. I want to take half a year off and travel to India as a Volunteer journalist (one of the greatest adventures of my life). So, the three months of June, July and August that I had free, I wanted to spend with my love. Right!?

Of course we did. But this summer was different. It was as if we had both secretively decided to create this the summer of the most intensity. Or maybe it was all my doing, I am not really sure what I even mean by that statement, but I want to leave it as it is.

I traveled to his families veacation home up in Canada. A beautiful place, I had been there once before but only for a week. Now I would be there for a month, and on top of that my parents came to visit for a week in one of the spare cabins. It was… hahaha, an interesting situation. And I went nuts. I don’t know why, I just went nuts. Nuts knowing that I was leaving him for a third world country and then to my new college which was still no where near him. I knew this would be the last summer we were together, we couldn’t pull it off, this long distance relationship any longer. I was 19 now and he was soon turning 20. We were older now, but still to young to make a life long committment to each other… right?

I geuss so, this was a fact I could not change. Maybe I manifested our parting so that I could experience new people, new situations (which I did. Boy did I ever).

But now, now, year has past since I have seen him physically. He ended up breaking my heart the on the day of New Years Eve. Told me it was over, and then exchanged me from his car, to our old highschool buddies white suburu and drove away. THREE YEARS and his goodbye was no more heartfelt then taking back a pogo stick he had bought from Wal-Mart :(

Like I said, that was a year ago. But, just the other night, I recieved an e-mail from him asking me to call him. We had talked on the phone before, once every 3 months or something, but this time, we lasted for two hours on the phone. Reminiscing about our life together… our childhood. He and I both admitted how crucial we were for each other in our development as individuals. And during the conversation… I of course, began to fall in love with him again. What is that all about!!

I have been in love with another after him, but he quickly left the picture. So was I really just replacing my first love with second love? How could I be feeling this way for him again! Just because of one wonderful conversation…

Why can I just let go of the things I can not change!
He probably has a new girlfriend now, and he was just trying to be chummy with me… and I, the hopless romantic, want to turn it into a sign from the Cosmos. To believe that there is such a thing as destiny…

But this life is a mystery. I might meet my real prince charming tommorrow. Who knows.

Anyway, my ex wants us to meet up again this following x-mas. A little reunion… with me and some of our other friends. “Great Idea” (so I can have flash backs of crying in the back seat of their car while you absently waved goodbye).

Oh, if anyone does take the time to read this long confession, I wouldn’t mind a comment, something… anything! You can tell me I am a complete asshole and to stop living in the past… to get over it! Something that will help me to let go of what is gone.

AHHHHH!
I have to, have to…. HAVE TO, start tommorrow. It’s 1 am, and I know I am tired, I know I should go to bed, but all I want to do is eat… Thank god tommorrow is Sunday,so I can sleep in late. Except that my best friend has returned home, and he wants me to hang out with him… and I am just so… anxious, and socially awkward, even when it comes to someone I consider family. I just, feel, aweful, and… yeah, I need to just suck it up, and get back on track. So I look and feel disgusting… so what!
Carpe Diem! I mean, I am 21 years old. I am young and I can afford to morph and change physically… hahahaha… right?!

.... I am so tempted to go to the fridge…. :)