first off, i must stop shying away too much.
first off, i must stop shying away too much.
now im waiting for my learner’s license application to be processed. when it’s done, i can go on to actual driving lessons. which i cannot wait because im dyin to cross this one goal off the list.
when i was small, i thought i wanted to be a fire-fighter. then i grew some and wanted to become a computer programmer. and i grew some more and wanted to become a creative writer. and then i went to university and i thought a career as a physicist might suit me perfectly. and then i further my studies and i thought it’s best to become an academician. now i am a lecturer, and i am happy. but not happy enough to stop myself from thinking: am i on the right track? is this what i really want?
it might never end, but i will never stop searching myself.
are happy to dump all their work on me. they are making me unhappy.
someone said to me the other day that to be happy is all about acceptence. it’s true. i feel better accepting things about myself, like how i’m not good at cookings or gardening or housekeeping or other girls’ things. and now i’m trying to accept other people and my surroundings and stop being too frustrated when things dont go the way i want them to. i’m the kind who often thinks too much, and i’m not going to change that, but i’m sure there’s a way to put that to good use. or at least dont let it ruin my fun in life.
to convince myself that i can do it. not sure who said it, but here’s a quote that suite my situation perfectly:
“there’s nothing to fear but fear itself. “
this one can only be done once i finish taking driving lesson and pass the driving test. i already have a car in mind, but i’m not going to tell. i just spent a full grand and some on a gold anklet, so i guess i have to save more of my salary for the downpayment of the car. not sure how much should i pay, but the more the better because i dont want the monthly payment to be burdensome.
now that i passed the drivers’ education curriculum test, i am holding learning drivers’ license. but still i cannot learn how to drive before sitting for a 6 hours pre-learning course, which i dont plan to go to this weekend because i am really looking forward for my very much needed rest. next week, i guess. after that i can start driving (with the instructor beside me) and cross this one goal off the list. cannot wait for that to happen.
i really want to do this. feels like i cannot wait. i need to get away from here for a while and i dont think i care anymore if no one is going with me.
i’m not sure how i’m going to do this one. this one is too subjective. i mean, one minute i am happy, the next i may be not. how do i measure my happiness? when will i be unconditionally happy? i dont know and i may never know the answer. then how am i suppose to cross this one out when i dont even know what am i pursuing?
looks like this one goal is not helping me become happy. perhaps i will be happy without trying too hard. i should just take life one day at a time, and stop thinking too much about what makes me happy and what not. i am considering to delete this one, as it is not only making me feel worse, it also makes me confused as to know how to measure my happiness.
i attended the road safety talk, first step towards getting my learner’s license. i’m liking the progress. i even met a new friend, Rin, who is a cross-dressing makeup artist. and he’s ten times prettier than me. hahah. we agreed to sit for the computerized test in two weeks.
..for 3 days now. two times i intended to see a doctor about my fever. but i chickened out every time. today i’m going to the clinic because i cannot afford not getting well for the rest of the week. i got many other things to do
- classes to teach, notes to write, exercises to complete, assignments to grade - than to feel sick and self-pity like this.
i am not afraid of doctor. i am just not comfortable when they start asking questions about pleghm, pee and poop.
..to a driving school on saturday. will be seating for road safety class next sunday. i’m going to cross this one off as done once i get my first driving lesson. after that, my focus is to cross off my other thing on the list: get a driver’s license.
im goinh to buy myself a mattress today. then i’ll scrub my floor and rearrange some stuff and lie out a carpet to cover the cold tiles. and i’ll throw away everything i dont need. and hang a face mirror on the wall.
..which is 2 days ago, i weight 68 kilos. which is the same as few months ago.
...today actually. i went to donate my blood. but the doctor said my hemoglobin is low so i am not qualified. she advised for next time, i should eat more spinach within two weeks before donation so as to increase the hemoglobin. next time, i’m not sure i could be as brave.