NotWastedTime

I’ve been thinking about wanting to lose weight and I’ve been thinking about all the people out there that have bodies that others would envy and yet they are unhappy with themselves. Well, that is their right, but I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to have a healthy body and ruin it trying to be thin.

Yes, I still want to lose weight. And yes, one of the reasons I want to lose weight is to look better. But I also want to be healthy, and I think eating better and exercising will help me emotionally happier and healthier as well.

I have a history of heart disease in both sides of my family, as well as a history of anxiety disorders. I don’t want to let either of those things ruin of my life, if I can help it.

I want to be calmer, happier, and healthier.

I’ve been thinking of ways to do this.
1) Yoga: Yoga will help with flexibility, and muscle strengthening. It will also help me relax and focus my thoughts. I’ll be better able to centre my thoughts in tough situations. I have a yoga video that I can take to me dorm with me and somehow find space to do it. Once I get the hang of things, I can take a yoga class (which will be ridiculous cheap through the university)

2) Running: Ok, it’ll be walking at first because I need to get in shape. While I regret the fact that I was better able to handle exercise in the past, I’m not going to let that be a factor now. Running: the effects are obvious. Better cardio, better endurance. Without excuse, I will walk until I can run every day at 7:30am for 30 minutes.

3) Food: I will eat as healthy as possible and I won’t beat myself up for eating “bad” food. I won’t freak myself so much that binge. I will eat breakfast. And I will eat a snack, a lunch, a snack, and dinner. If something goes wrong it’s ok. If something goes right, then I am awesome. :) I will focus on veggies and fruit with healthy amounts of grains and meat and do my best to avoid processed food, or take out. (which I understand will be difficult because I will have to eat out almost every meal when I start uni. But, I can find healthy options, it’s only of matter of choosing those healthy options)

4) Meditation: Teaching my mind to focus on one thing at a time, to relax, to slow my heart rate. This will help me think things through. Not freak out, not get so depressed. Just reeeelllllaaaaxxx.

5) Stay cool: I have dreams where I am faced with an easy task and I can’t complete it because I make the task seem huge and daunting. I’m in front of a snow drift and I think it’s a mountain. I’m in front of a little gutter, and I imagine it filled with snakes (Yeah, I’m kind of a weirdo), etc, etc. So number 5 is all about taking it a day at a time, being happy with what I have and being content to know that tomorrow will be better, no matter what.

I think number five is super important. Most of the time, I freak myself out of losing weight before I even start. I imagine not having the food, and then I really want the food. You know?

Ok so that’s the plan. I can do it. I can totally do it. :)

No real reason, just feeling better. And the comments that I got recently have really helped and I want to thank you guys for that.

So, my plan is simple. It’s just to get into a normal pattern of eating and exercising. I’ve just been thinking that I can’t do it, and I think for the next few weeks, I’m not going to think about weight or fat or not being happy with my body. I’m just going to focus on health. That’s it. And the next time I post, it’s going to be about how good I feel. :)

is some support. I think it is pretty obvious that I can’t do this by myself for whatever reason. Or maybe what I need is to learn to become emotionally independent.

I have never felt that I’ve been supported in this goal. I mean, I’ve been trying to lose weight since before I should have wanted to lose weight. I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was ten, fucking ten. I think at ten, I started to become a bit chubby as I hit puberty. I did not need to lose weight. If I had been more active, I would have been perfect. I wasn’t fat until I reached high school. When I was 14, I was 5’6”, had a C cup and weighed 135lbs. Maybe I was a bit chubby, but I was fairly tall and curvy. I could have been more healthy but I was convinced that I looked like a whale. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Doesn’t that suck?

And now I need to lose weight to be healthy. So as not to be obese. And I still hate my body. I still hate myself. And I just want to fucking be skinny. Sorry for the swearing. I’m just really frustrated.

I just need to be stronger. To not count on someone to be there to cheer me on. But I just don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to be happy. And I don’t know how to lose weight. I’m not sure I want to be happy, I just want to be a normal pretty skinny 18 year old.

Why do I feel like this? I’m in a major slump. I think I need to go out. Maybe I’m just driving myself crazy being at home. But I don’t know who I would go out with… argh.

_{He was so right. I am socially inept.}

I just realised how unhappy I am right now. I’m just really sad. And I’m trying to ask my brain to spit out why. I think it’s a combination of being unhappy with my body and being lonely. But I don’t know. I feel like there is something else. I’m just really depressed.

What worries me is the thought that I will always be like this. And I know that will only be true if I let it be true. I know that I could be happy if I wanted to be happy. I think of all the things I want in life, happiness is the one that will probably take the least work. I just need to change my attitude. I don’t think it’s harder than that. And I think that my weight loss goal would be easier , not easy but just not as hard, if I was happy and if I had the determination to do what I want and to get what I want.

I’m just trying to figure out why I’m crying right now and I can’t. I’m lonely, pathetic, and fat, but that doesn’t seem like the reason. I don’t know… I think it might be the fear that I will always feel like this. That I will never be the go-getter type. That what I want is within my grasp but I’m not even trying to reach for it. I’m just watching it fall away. And I know that’s just an attitude problem and I wish I could just fix it.

And of course, as I said before, when I’m sad I like to eat. Actually, when I’m letting myself be sad, I don’t eat. When I push my feelings aside I eat everything. So maybe what I need is to just face this sadness.

I really wish I had someone to talk to but I know that I wouldn’t talk even if someone were here. I just like joke around and forget everything (I’m seeing a pattern here) and I hate talking about how I feel. I know that if I started having “friends” or regular people that I talk to on this site, I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying any of this. No one knows how much this kills me and how I sit at a computer and cry for no reason. Part of the comfort of this site is it’s anonymity and the fact that I know that not many people will ever read this (just judging by the response that most entries get on the lose weight goal;]). It’s not that I don’t want to ask for help, I’m just afraid to let my people know. Fear of judgement I guess and also the fact that my family never was the type to be supportive and talk about what is hurting us. I just can’t be open. I think I taught myself at a young age that showing people your feelings pushes them away? Or something. I don’t know. I just fear people’s reactions.

Anyways, I’m continuing to feel like failure because I am one. Maybe I need outside help with losing weight. Maybe that’s just the push I need. But I fear not just failure, but public failure. I just don’t think I can do it. I have zero confidence in myself and I know it sounds stupid but I JUST DON’T THINK I CAN DO IT.

:) Baby steps!

I really don’t want to be grubbing for the last 5 vanity pounds. I think what I need right now if to be healthy and happy. I think I need to work on the happy to be healthy.

So tonight, I was going to go out with some friends and they bailed on me. And I know it’s no big deal, but it really… hurt. (I’m way too sensitive). I think the reason it hurt so much was because I just got out of sticky relationship where the guy (a total jackass) told me that I was “socially inept” and a bitch, and a pig. And I know he was just reacting out of anger, but it makes me wonder if it’s true. I can be all of those things. Maybe he’s right? Agh it just makes me feel like a total failure. I don’t want him and I shouldn’t care what he thinks, but the fact that someone thinks that, makes me wonder if everyone thinks that.

So anyways! Totally got off track. The point was that because I felt hurt, I searched in my house for something to eat. But, I’ve been trying to keep everything “bad” away, so I had nothing. You think that would have solved everything, but what I did instead was bake brownies. I didn’t eat them. They’re still on the counter staring at me. But I really really really want them. I really need a different outlet for my emotions. :( I think I’ll leave the brownies for the family and go to sleep.

The whole situation just proves to me that my weight loss goal is a failure when I’m not happy.

I thought of a goal:
- Be comfortable enough in my body that to do something I’ve always wanted to do: take swimming lessons.

I think that’s a good, non-numbers goal. :)

Good luck everyone!

I’m just not trying hard enough! I’ve been walking my dog everyday this week but I haven’t been exercising at night. My food has been… better. And I refused pizza the other day. That’s good, right?

ARGH! I must try harder. In addition to walking in the morning for 30 minutes (which is good for my dog too. He gets walked but not consistently :[) I will do 10 minutes of YBB and 20 minutes of cardio. Whether it be running, fast walking, or a combo of both. I will do this. I have to do this.

I have used this site before and I think it works and doesn’t depending on how honest I am to myself.
Anyways, I am 18 years old and I’m going to college in September. I am unhappy with myself. I think before I was totally depressed, but now I am more comfortable about my personality and I think I should be comfortable with my body. And I’m not going to be happy as long as I’m fat.
And it’s not just a teenage-I-want-to-be-perfect thing, I’m actually at an unhealthy weight.
So my goal is weigh 120-125 lbs. Which is 55-60lbs. Agh That’s such a big number. :(
I think my problem is not so much what I eat, but how much I eat. However, if there is food somewhere near me I will eat it. While there is “bad” food around, it’s not junk food. I really need to work on my portion control and I need to prepare food instead of eating what my parents make because when it’s so readily available, I have no sense of how much I should be eating.
I’m going to work on one thing a week. And this week it’s portion control. More veggies and fruit and less grains.
Food problem number two is snacking. I’m going to try to eat only fruits and veggies when I need a snack.
Sometimes, I have like a meal as a snack. And then I’ll have a meal when I supposed to have a meal. It’s like having two dinners. It’s just not good. So that has to change too.
So food portion control and normal healthy snacks.
Exercise: I’m out of shape. And this is going to sound lame to all of you, but I have to start easy. I’m going to take thirty minute walks in the morning, and exercise for thirty minutes (semi-hard) at night.
So that’s the plan. I’m going to report back tomorrow. Good luck to all you. :D