He has been trying to get back in contact recently. I’m ignoring him. I know he doesn’t like me, and even though it’s hard still, I’m really not ready to even say “hi”. I still wonder what he’s up to, still think about him sometimes… But I need to move on. Yet he needs to know I’ve moved on, when I have. I just don’t know how long that’ll take, besides he wouldn’t care anyway. I don’t know what else to say right now. I just feel “meh”.
Found some interesting films that I might not have watched if it wasn’t for this goal, and saw 26 films I hadn’t seen before.
Trying to re-create the happy moments, just without him. For example: I eat the same snacks, watch the same shows… yet it just isn’t the same. Then again, it was all a lie anyway. It was a happy lie though, isn’t that better than unhappy truth? I don’t know, actually – happy truth is better really. Then again, what is true? He clearly didn’t love me, but I’m sure he was happy when he was with me, he just shouldn’t have given up. He did though, there’s nothing I can do about that. Oh, I don’t know. I just don’t actually know how to do this.
So it’s been almost a month now. I need to sometimes just write how I feel. I still miss him, or at least miss what made me happy. I know he’s horrible though and the guy I had strong feelings for is gone. I don’t actually think about him ALL the time, but I think about him a lot, and when I do I still feel sad about it. Then other times I feel kind of displaced, y’know, ‘cause I don’t know what to believe. Who he was was a lie, basically. I still want to check what he’s up to on the profile site I can see (not the one he deleted me on) BUT when I do it’s just stupid “happy” comments by the new THING he is seeing. I don’t think I check it as much as I used to though, and I realize it’s just a habit/addiction, it doesn’t upset me too much, at least I know it won’t last with her either and then SHE will be upset. I don’t think it’s fair if he is happy and I’m not though, but I am trying to be happy, at least when I can. I’ve come to the realization he just is too immature for real love, I guess. Why didn’t I know how immature he was? I really thought he was different, I think that’s one of the things that hurts the most. I watched a good film, called “Kissing A Fool”. Jason Lee’s character in it is heartbroken, and that made me think of “him” (but then he finds love). Oh and Jason Lee is GORGEOUS in the film, that’s not relevant to what I’m saying, but wow! hehe. Anyway, in one scene he wonders what he ever saw in his ex. I want to wonder what I saw in my ex, ‘cause I think that who he appeared to be was amazing, although what he really is isn’t. I know I don’t feel exactly the same as I did when he first left or when we were together, I know it’s a process. I don’t know how long it should/will take me to get over him, but oh well.
So, just over 3 weeks ago (24 days) my b/f dumped me. We had been together 3 months.
Since then I had been through all the emotions – sadness, feeling lost, anger, confusion etc. I think about him a lot (whether in a good way or bad way), but I think this is all pretty standard, and it all takes time for me to deal with.
I have to say before I say all this, I KNOW he’s not who he was/seemed to be, and for him to be so nice one minute and then just leave me randomly, it’s just totally wrong, and for me to still be like this – well, it’s annoying, but I don’t quite know what else to do.
Recently though, and this is what really confuses me (about myself) – I’ve been, well, almost imitating him, and also trying to cling to how things were (in my head, without him in my life!). I suppose because I was so happy with him, especially some of the time. I really miss the good times, even if it wasn’t real, and even if HE is not worth anything anymore.
ANYWAY, why am I doing this? OK it used to make me happy and I want to be happy again… but I just don’t think I’ve every really done this kind of thing after a break-up before, or felt this way. Maybe in some way, but not quite the same. I don’t know why he had such an impact on me.
Have you ever had this kind of experience?
Now I have some more of the DVDs. So far I’m only on season 2 (watched disc 1). It’ll be good when I have all the seasons on DVD!
Recently I got my first ever laptop that is mine and isn’t even second hand. It took me awhile to decide what I wanted, but with a bit of help I decided. I’ve now got a HP Pavilion 15-e040s, and it’s blue which is my favourite colour.
I thought I was doing quite well. Turns out I wasn’t doing quite as well as I thought. I don’t want to rant too much but I just want to vent a bit.
Last night I went out, and tried to have a good time. I really wanted a good night. Last night wasn’t it. OK it wasn’t all that bad, some was OK actually… but then I got upset. Without ranting too much it’s hard to explain, but I get lonely sometimes and while I know a few people it’s not a lot really, especially not a lot that I’m close to. I really should try to make the most of things (and I do try, at least sometimes). But then I just thought: this relationship ending, not only does that in itself upset me, but I felt really disconnected – I felt he’s changed my whole view on things, even to the point of feeling like giving up on relationships/love or whatever. I may have felt it a bit before (in past break-ups) but I really thought this is different. There was one guy that I admit I have a crush on who I did see last night (we did have some intimacy in the past) but I’ll admit it upset me when he basically didn’t want that again. I just want fun, I know I shouldn’t feel too much for people (except ones I already do, I guess) because then I can get hurt. If only maybe I had seen the relationship I was in as less serious (I really fell for him, I really wanted him, what we had), it should have just been fun. Having said that – you can’t help what you feel, and I’d STILL miss the fun times and be upset by rejection.
So aside from feeling that not only am I upset about HIM but I’m upset about a lot of things, and it builds up.
It’s complicated, sure, but I need to find a way to be happy, FOR ME. I tried and it didn’t work, but don’t stop trying… what’s the point in that?
Anyway aside from everything else, yes I am upset about him, I still think about him a LOT. Not just “him” but the times we had together. I want to re-enact it, even (sure I can watch comedy on my own, but I can’t exactly cuddle or kiss etc myself). Even with someone else it wouldn’t be him. I don’t need to go into all that, though. Other than that I just have to realize there’ll be other good things, different, but they WILL be good. Sometimes I think watching comedy on my own isn’t the same, but it IS still good. Even if I don’t always feel like laughing, but when I do or even if I just enjoy it anyway – that’s something. That’s just one example, because it used to be really good with him. We had a lot of fun, so sure I’d miss that anyway, but I still don’t know why I felt how I did, and even more than that WHY HE HAD TO LEAVE ME, LIKE HE DID. How I can still think of him AT ALL after that, I don’t know, either.
I don’t know why I’m so hung up on what WAS though, really. I even feel myself wanting any way to stay connected to HIM. Well, not him, but the good times. I sometimes listen to bands he liked, but if I enjoy the music that’s the reason, not because of him. I don’t want anything to do with who he is NOW, which is why I don’t (except for when I did) even feel tempted to contact him. It’s just who he WAS, or who I thought he was. I really liked that. I can’t help that. I really hate him, as I’ve said. I’m sure one day it’ll just be indifference, but not now.
OK maybe I ranted more than I meant to, but I did have to vent.
In the nightclub that Summer evening, Katy glanced across the room. Standing there, was one of the most beautiful men she had seen. His name was Paul.
Paul had a dark secret though. One that this poor Katy would not discover for several months. At least, not if she ignored the signs.
Katy: Hello. My name’s Katy. What’s yours?
Paul: Hi, er, I’m Paul. Do I know you?
Katy: Not yet… but if you’d like to we could GET to know each other rather well? ...she winked
Paul was taken aback by this. He had no real social skills, he was a sad loser. Some nerds are actually quite nice intelligent young men who just would rather play video games than play football, and who don’t have lots of friends (maybe) but would be nice to any girl they got a chance with because they know in reality even if they CAN get all the girls, some girls would pass them up… so they know what it’s like and don’t do it to others. Unfortunately, he wasn’t this kind of guy. He was just a jackass…. yet she didn’t know that… yet.
Paul: Sure, why not?
They went to dance. You see, he had already played the first “Play”, as Barney from HIMYM would say. He said “Sure”, when he should have said “I’m sorry. no”. Maybe there’s no way to warn someone you’re a selfish irresponsible “Creature”, well, human is not the word. However they have no reason to, either. He was aware what he was doing, though, that’s the thing.
They danced, all night. They went to hers. Her cousin was passed out on the lawn. In her bedroom in the mansion they went at it like rabbits. Then he had to leave, but his second play was “yes, I’d like to see you again”. Most of the plays were his “magic” charm. He had this charm and he was aware of it but she just FELT something about him, yet she had no idea it was THAT.
Time went on and as it did, she fell for him. Suddenly he realized Katy had fallen for him. Now Paul could do whatever he wanted. He decided to leave. Tear her dreams, hopes… everything she held dear… and tear them apart.
Oh, and he was a MONSTER. That’s why he did it. So if you see a beautiful guy, who seems really nice. Be aware.
Well, he deleted me from the profile site. I asked him why and he said it’s how he deals with things. Whatever, he has nothing to ‘deal’ with. Anyway, I really felt recently I’m moving on. I hate who he is, the guy I thought he was (who I fell for) is gone. I admit I still miss the good times, I’m still disappointed that it ended especially the way it did, I admit I still think about him a lot, even if its in a negative way. I didn’t feel sad when I saw “how happy he is” online though, if I’m honest it seemed to be a case of “doth he protest too much”. I told him I’m happy for him and I’m moving on. I’m not really happy for him though, I just wanted to show him I don’t want him anymore. I’m not sure when I’ll properly be over it all, but I guess it just takes time. I think the hardest thing now is to forget, and when I think of the good times I just should feel “oh well, that happened and thats that”. Yknow? There’s nothing I can do, he isn’t who I thought and I am so much better than he is and I deserve to be happy.
You are my new inspiration, my muse, and I mean that not as a compliment I will use you to cruise through any writers block Any lazy days when a glazed gaze invades my minds cave of creativity I will think of you And what you did to me I will take negativity and make it inspire me I was not a book from a library As I stand here alone, I declare ‘I was not a loan’ To be picked up and dropped off at a later date And you barely even made my spine bend Just skim through some of the interesting bits then skip to the end The notes you left in my margins turned from scribbles to scars but.. ..here’s the best part You didn’t even realise you were reading the first draught of a best seller The manuscript of a future Nobel prize winner This book you discarded as a pamphlet Will ignite shit
I will work ten times harder than before I will create art I will create beauty I will create so many things that you can’t ignore But I will not do them in your name I will not shout you from the rooftops I will tap your name out in Morse code on my outer thigh As I casually except plaudits from on high
I will not try to win you back I do not want you back I just want to show you I just need to show you what you fucking walked away from I will achieve all my goals tenfold I will achieve all your goals too: casually, I will have happiness and joy in my life I will fall in love; husband, child and wife I will shine brighter than I could ever have dreamed to be
And you will see me. And you will see me.
I will make rivers run red in your anonymity The screams of nations will echo our affinity My raft will be relentless My path of destruction will be momentously momentous I will change the face of history And paint it in my likeness And I will LIKE this I will destroy everything that you hold dear By simply destroying everything: far and near My footsteps will be impossible not to hear I will watch you from afar, and taste each tear I will destroy wipe out entire races I will erase faiths of this place with great haste and no graces This world will become my play thing Embracing my ways, and then just breaking I will burn this entire world to the ground I will leave a mark greater, than any have ever left before I will lay waste by land, air and sea
And you will see me. And you will see me.
I hate him. I hate him so much. Why can’t I just move on already? I’m still obsessed, just in a heartbroken way. I certainly don’t want him back. I had a really stressful time tonight and so like a fool thought I’d text him, thinking maybe, just maybe, he’d be at least civil. No, he wasn’t, and he just lied and said silly immature things. So we had a sort of text argument then I just stopped. This no contact thing is harder than I thought it’d be. I need to force myself to just stop, even for a month. I guess I can’t let go of who I THOUGHT he was. However, it’s like that Staind song Outside… “I can see through you, see your true colours, inside you’re ugly…”. The real him I just feel nothing for, except negativity, but he did a really convincing job of being something different. I still look at his profile, where he writes stupid things and him and his little friends make fun of me. I don’t need that, I was tempted to say they were lying but what’s the point? They are obviously just seeking attention. Now all I should focus on is getting over that horrible boy, and maybe do some attention seeking myself, pretend to be happy on that site? False smiles? Fake it til you make it? OR… EVEN BETTER… Actually be happy, find happiness… I really do need it, I’ve been letting myself feel the sadness, and sure I’ve had my ups and downs, tho I could really do with more happiness. I tried to do some productive things yesterday, anyway, like another song lyric “I’d never screw my life up, because of how sick you are”. I can’t just give up, I won’t. So yeah…. Lets try…. “I’m moving on, I won’t forget you were the one that was wrong”.
What are your favourite songs about heartbreak/being dumped/exes… Things like that?
What are more positive ones about moving on?
Any that despite the sad topic have more upbeat music?
Which lyrics can you totally identify with?
Why then would I ever want to be his friend? I don’t know.
Why do I obsessively check his profile page when it doesn’t even make me any happier? Again, I don’t know.
I suppose everyone wants friends so maybe I’ll just have to accept that and hope one day when I’m over him it may be possible. As for checking his page, I think I should take a break. If I can’t cold turkey right away maybe at least take him off notifications (and stop putting him back on, this indecision is crazy!). Try to if I must look, look less often… No more than once a day? I may need to give myself an incentive, but I can try. If it’ll help me, it’s like a compromise to myself, he’s still there but I don’t have to care; I’m trying not to, after all. At the same time I know I must go through all this before truly moving on. Anyway, going to try no more contact again for a bit.
I put some “funny” bitstrips on that site, they featured him and he saw and deleted me. I messaged asking him to re-add me and he did, a few more messages followed. It wasn’t really what I’d call a conversation, and didn’t actually make me feel any better or worse. I think about him anyway but for some reason having him on my list makes me feel better. Maybe I hold out hope that (and I understand I’d have to be over him for this) one day we will be friends. It’s not bad to want this, some people you can’t stay friends with, but some you can, eventually. His behavior now I do not love, obviously his behavior in the past I used to, but at least I realize it’s the past I miss, not HIM because if I’m honest he’s clearly a cold, immature, stupid little boy who clearly doesn’t know what he wants, can’t love, and the him I knew is gone forever. Does all that make it any easier? Not sure, but it’s so hard to forget him.
I was stuck when I met you
I felt lost and alone
Even when I wasn’t
Then suddenly you shook my world upside down, but in a good way
You made me so happy
It was just lust at first, and what a whirlwind
You swept me off my feet
I knew I wanted more
I hadn’t felt that way in such a long time
We started dating
The passion was a high point
The laughter as we shared a few mutual favourite comedy shows
Music was also important to both of us
3 months we had together, in that time my feelings never faded
They grew and grew
I knew that it was love as well as lust
It’s crazy, but its true
I built up in my head this idea that you could be the one
Even though a few problems became clear
Because nothing is ever perfect
I looked past this, as you do if you truly care
I didn’t see any reason for it to go wrong
You appeared to be a genuinely nice guy
Even though, as I say, you did have some flaws
Then out of the blue
You text me
Things weren’t working out
I could barely believe it
You were ending it
Leaving me with tears, shock, confusion and anger
I could have, would have, done things to make it better
Everything you said was an excuse
So it became clear to see
You just simply didn’t want or care about me
I guess now I see
The whole thing was a fucking illusion
You clearly became bored of pretending
So now all I can do is let go
One day I’ll forget you
It’ll take awhile, but I’ll get there
Right now though, I’m lost and empty
Sad and numb
Angry and betrayed
Yet I try and I try to keep moving on
Need strength to finally let go
Because everything has changed
This time you shook my world
But not in a good way
Maybe other reasons too, and the more I think about it I realize a lot of people I’ve known have been like that, in some way or another. Which is why this guy got to me, he just seemed different to all the rest. He didn’t have a go at me as much as some I’ve known (in fact never really did, he seemed to appreciate me), he was calm didn’t get angry at me (although maybe this is just because he had no emotion whatsoever but some relationships even short ones the person has been moody)... And he just seemed to genuinely care, not like some short relationships where I KNEW it hadn’t been very serious. I thought he was beautiful inside as well as out. Now I know it was all an illusion on his part but it still hurts. Why didn’t he love me? He said he wasn’t over his ex which led me to believe he could love. He was making plans with me for the future (I don’t mean long long term, but he’d suggest something for say in a few months or few weeks), only some of which did we ever actually get to do. Everyone seems to expect me to be over it by now but I’m not, yes I did build it up to mean more than it should have but also you simply cannot help who you fall for and we had some great times. It felt right most of the time. Anyway I still have resisted any urge to contact him. It sort of feels like it’s been longer than it has. Oh well.
So I was dating a guy. I thought he was great, amazing even. I hadn’t felt that way about anyone new for a LONG time. We had a really good time together… Passionate (I thought we had great chemistry), laughter (he made me laugh and usually in just a goofy way, not mean like sarcasm, although he did now and again tell jokes I didn’t find funny), shared laughter over mutual comedy loving (some of my all time favourite comedy shows were his too, and somehow laughing together made it even funnier I felt), both have a passion for music and some bands we love in common too (even though we have some musical differences, like I had never heard of one of his absolute favourite bands, but I gave their music a listen – not bad). So many great memories in my opinion, just having fun together I thought was great, really great. Nothing is ever perfect, but compared to some things I thought the problems even were fairly easy to deal with, even if he upset me and it took awhile to get over, I would and then be happy with him again. Let me say, also, that even though it was only a few months I really loved him, for whatever reason. Lusted him too, even more than most guys I’ve known/been with. Anyway, then suddenly all of that was shattered. He dumped me, by text, last Sunday. It had been 3 months (92 days), that would have been our 3 “monthiversary” (if you will). We didn’t celebrate the months, but I acknowledged them. Since then there was sporadic texting but really it just felt awful, so distant, not like he used to be at all. I made one phone call on Halloween, which lasted about half an hour. Surprised he picked up, actually, but I just wanted to hear his voice. Really though, after it I just felt “why exactly did I bother”. It didn’t make me miss him any less. The first few days there was a lot of crying, more recently I feel more like sighing. I suppose I feel kind of numb sometimes. It still almost doesn’t even feel real that it happened, just like that. Plus I’ve felt my share of anger, confusion… The usual stages… “denial” (when he was first texting it was like “what? This can’t be happening. It must be a joke”) then a bit of “bargaining” (I text saying I’d do pretty much anything to sort this out and “I won’t let this happen” even though I knew I couldn’t really stop it if he meant it), then “depression” (lots of crying and feeling lost and empty) and “anger” too (HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME). Haven’t accepted it yet, but I know I need to move on. It’s been almost a week now. Anyway, I didn’t contact him at all yesterday. Even though I think about him almost all the time.