So… I haven’t been thinking about this very much (him/memories/whatever) for quite awhile (EXCEPT on his birthday last Saturday, I probably shouldn’t have even remembered that it was, but I couldn’t help it). It was basically just playing “unhappy birthday” over and over, but knowing he probably had a “fantastic” day with his “oh so amazing” new g/f – why do I still think of her as NEW, they have been together longer than we were :O (who is NOT amazing btw, I am better and it’s a shame he couldn’t see that… I’m not just being jealous, at the start of their relationship she was mocking the fact that he chose her over me and disregarding my feelings completely, I wouldn’t have done that kind of thing, I never posted on his page anything negative about the ex I knew about, even though I was worried he still wanted her and plus he never left anyone for me). This is all progress, right? I mean that until right now, apart from a few days ago, I really wasn’t thinking about it much. However, I am not ready to say I’m done with this yet. Today I am feeling particularly low about it, I’m not 100% sure why, but my guess is I haven’t been having a great few days really (I won’t go into it). The last time I remember truly having fun was probably the night of my birthday when I managed to go out, to a show and then a club (OK aside from arguments with a few people earlier that day) and in the day when I listened to music/watched comedy/had nice food, that was the start of this month. It’s not all been bad, don’t get me wrong, and most of it actually isn’t anything to do with him – but then today I was just thinking I want things to be better, including being happier. Whether I like it or not, I was happy with him. It’s not him I miss, though. Not at all. Just “memories” of the him I knew. That’s what I miss, you know? It’s almost like I miss a character, that he created – that character was my b/f. He was a fictional character, but he was nice, he was attractive, we had fun together, for the most part. We never argued, even when I had some issues when he was seeming to be a bit aloof, or even that night he said he wasn’t over his ex, it just didn’t bother me – OK it did, but not too much, I still wanted him. I wanted him right up until he said he didn’t want me, even when I felt betrayed when I found out he’d lied, saying he hadn’t talked to his ex when he had. I guess those were the cracks showing, he was “coming out of character”, showing his true colours – an immature, mean, insensitive horrible little boy who shouldn’t really be pretending to be something he isn’t, but then he’d go back into character, we’d laugh together watching our favourite shows, we’d kiss, we’d stay in and have fun and we’d go out and have fun. It was never perfect… but being with him, it just usually seemed to help. It cheered me up. Thinking about it, maybe I made up the character – but he helped by acting like the character, mostly. Even when he left me I wanted him back (at the start), which is stupid, he upset me a lot. I was only with him 3 months, why did he have such an effect on me? I now haven’t seen him for longer than we were together, we’ve been broken up nearly 5 months (it will be in about a week). I met him nearly 8 months ago then. I don’t even know how things would have been if we had stayed together, but there’s no point thinking about what could have been. He stopped pretending to care, he moved on so quickly. I’m the one left behind. I still have good things, I still have my favourite shows, I still can stay in and have fun and go out and have fun (sometimes). Just not with him. Not with the character that one or both of us created for my happiness. If I’m a character in one of my favourite shows (HIMYM) then I feel like Ted, and I feel like he’s Robin (close enough to the name, I guess). It’s not that though, it’s just he has a hard time getting over her, but the differences are huge – they stayed friends, she’s actually a nice person (she just didn’t want to settle down at that time), they were together a year (and friends much longer)... plus I’m not an architect. ha. I’m trying to bring some humour into this though. Because right now, wrong or right, I am just sat here feeling low, confused, not great basically. I need to get myself out of this funk. I need to find a positive way to deal with these feelings, just sitting and wanting to find a time machine, or bring the character back to me, or get lost in imagination – well imagination can be good, I could be creative with it – but it won’t change anything. If, like Scroobius Pip, I could take negativity and make it inspire me – then that would be a positive. Other than that, I could just sit and laugh at my favourite shows, listen to my favourite music, by myself. I’m better than the character anyway. I hope that things will get better. Until then, I just wanted to write. Hoping it would be cathartic in some way.