Future Ted: Kids, it was the summer of 2013, and I still hadn’t met your mother…
Luke: wait, don’t you start this story going back to 2005?
Future Ted: Er, yes… But this is a different version. So, I was in MacLaren’s bar.
Ted: I’m sick of dating, I’m sick of meeting the wrong women. Jeanette was it for me, no more until the woman who’s right for me.
Marshall: Today, Ted, you will meet the woman for you, who you will marry!
Ted: no I won’t!
Lily: how do you know?
Ted: because that’d be such a short story to tell my future kids, and how likely is it really? Look at my past “luck” in relationships.
Marshall: Ted, do you think I’ll tell Marvin how I met Lily?
Ted: yes, why not? I already know you met in college because Lily knocked on your door.
Marshall: I guess you’re right. Anyway; I don’t know you will, I was just acting all psychic to make an interesting story if I AM right. If not, make it up? Say I said it on the day you do!
Ted: I’m not going to lie to my kids!
Robin walks in with Barney
Barney: Did we miss anything? We’re late cause we were having sex!
Robin: Barney! We weren’t! Robin giggles nervously
Lily: Robin you’re giving it away again…
Robin: Fine, OK, we were – but it’s personal!
Lily: Don’t worry, I only dream Marshall and me had more sex. Since Marvin was born we do it maybe once in a blue moon!
Marshall: Once LITERALLY in a blue moon… A cafe called the blue moon.
Lily: We were so sex deprived we just ran to the toilets.
Ted: OK can we not talk about your great sex lives? I’ve stopped dating, I’m waiting for future Mrs Ted Mosby before I have sex again.
Barney: laughs That’ll happen… Ted, everyone loves sex, we were made to.
Marshall: Don’t worry, it’ll be later today when you next get laid! You’ll meet your wife and mother of your children TODAY!
Leia: Was it? Was he right?
Future Ted: You’ll have to wait and see!
Just then: a woman walks in the bar with a yellow umbrella, and sits at the bar
Ted: Wow, that’s the woman I’m going to marry!
Future Ted: It wasn’t.
She turns round… It’s Jeanette. They all look shocked. She walks over.
Jeanette: Hey teddy boy, I stole this umbrella off some woman claiming to be looking for a hot architect. I thought there can’t be more than one surely!
Ted: She knows me?
Jeanette: No, she just wishes she did, she didn’t specify a name, just a type… But you’re mine!
Ted: We broke up, remember.
Jeanette: Oh yeah, my mistake.
she walks off, leaving the umbrella on the seat
Robin: Maybe you were right Marshall, you know Ted is now going to chase after every woman in town to find the owner of this umbrella?
Ted: laughs nervously Don’t be silly Robin…
Ted runs out of the bar with the umbrella.
Lily: You know, Marshall, it still may not be today.
Marshall: That’s OK, but I hope it is!
Barney: OK soppy love story out of the way, who wants to see me honk-a-honk Robins breasts?
Barney: I’m joking… I’m not joking… I’m joking!
Lily: If he doesn’t, can I?
Marshall: I’d be OK with it.
Barney: So would I!
Robin: Guys, look, this could be a big moment for Ted – let’s support him!
Robin: I don’t know but not by going on about sex… as if he would tell his future kids any of this anyway!
Marshall: I’m recording it just in case on a talk boy, like in Home Alone 2 – his kids, they’ll want to know how awesome I am if I’m right!
Barney: I think you mean me! I’m legen…wait for it… dary!
Lily: Let’s do something then, to help Ted find his woman.
Marshall: Like what?
Barney: I know, I’ll get the number of every woman in this bar!
Barney: Sorry… Old habits!
meanwhile…. Ted knocks on the door of a random apartment in New York
Ted: Hi, look, sorry if this sounds stupid – do you know ANY women in this area who have an umbrella like this?
Random big tattooed dude: No. Sorry dude. Good luck!
an hour later, just as he was about to give up… Ted knocks on another door
A blonde girl answers: Hello?
Ted: Hello. OK you’re my last hope, I’ve been searching all over for a girl who owns this umbrella, it’s stupid really, but I think she’s trying to find me too – and I think she might be important in my life. Call it intuition, maybe. Anyway, do you know any women in this area with an umbrella like this?
Blonde girl: Yes, if it’s who I think it is, I know her. Well; not KNOW her, but as luck happens I caught the subway this morning and it was raining heavily – a girl was sat opposite me and she had an umbrella like this rested next to her when she got on. Well, when her stop came she rushed off in a hurry, and I guess she forgot it as I noticed it still there… so I hurried after her with it. She thanked me, and quickly wrote her number down asking me to get in touch with her, as she wanted to buy me a drink sometime or something at least, just a small gesture to say thanks properly. I said “no, really, you don’t have to!” but she insisted and hurried off. I suppose it’s ironic that she lost it again if it IS the same girl. Maybe it’s fate. Do you believe it fate?
Ted: Sometimes. I haven’t really had much luck in the past, but I hold out hope! Call me an old romantic, but you have to keep hope I guess!
She goes back into her apartment, then comes back out with a piece of paper and hands it to Ted
Blonde girl: Here. I copied her number already, so you can have this to get in touch with her. I hope it goes well, and even if she isn’t the girl for you, at least she will probably buy you a drink or something to say thank you.
Ted: Thanks so much! It’s nice to meet someone else who still believes in things the way I do.
he leaves, hurries straight back to MacLaren’s to tell everyone the news
Ted calls the number and says: Hi, I know this’ll sound crazy but please meet me at MacLaren’s bar, do you know where that is? I think you might be my future wife!
Brunette girl: WHAT THE HELL?
Marshall: Oh Ted… Ted, Ted, Ted.
he says, shaking his head, as Ted puts his phone on the table and slumps onto a seat in the booth, gulping at the beer he’d bought himself just before the phone call
Lily: You could have left the last bit out, and explained about the umbrella!
Ted: What is wrong with me??
Robin: Ted you’re a really great guy, a girl will see that one day.
A few hours later, just as they were all about to go home… a girl walks into the bar
Brunette girl to Ted: Can I sit down?
Ted: What? OK. Hi, I’m Ted.
Brunette girl: Hi Ted, that’s my umbrella you’ve got there. I recognize it. A girl I met on the subway this morning called me, I told her what had happened and she explained you’re a hopeless romantic, not a crazy stalker. She met you and could tell you were genuine, and wanted to return my umbrella. Thank you. How can I repay you?
Ted: Would you go on a date with me?
Brunette girl: smiles Sure, it’s the least I can do. I don’t know if I’ll be the mother of your children though or your wife! We can see how we get on, though.
Future Ted: All the crazy things I’d done before or had happen to me – stealing a blue french horn for Robin and telling her I loved her before I’d even kissed her, going up to the roof every Halloween to look for “the slutty pumpkin” (Naomi), being left at the alter by Stella, and of course the whole thing with Jeanette… they made me who I am, and telling this girl the first time I spoke to her she might be my wife was just as crazy. I’m glad it all happened, though. Kids – that was how I met your mother.