Heart Beat

and tons & tons of makeup. I’m such a novelty junkie. I get a serious high from NEWNESS.

After being jobless & broke for a few year, it felt good to go out & spend some, replace some old, worn out things, treat myself…

Now I’m stocked up again & it’s just emotional, impulse buying.

I think sometimes I do it just so I don’t have to go “home”; but shopping shouldn’t be a “hobby” or leisure activity. The real problem is using it to distract from thinking about what I don’t like about my life, or having to go “home”.

The internet makes it worse… even when “home” I can shop, and I will, because I don’t want to think about being “home”.

what are the odds I would ever use this camera?
Time to put this “goal” on the shelf…

It’s worse than ever.

It’s like my body just REFUSES.

Oh to live in a world without clocks! To awaken when it is natural and not in line with an arbitrary schedule. Life would be so grand! :P

I can construct simple sentences now & read with a pretty even flow.
Still working on building my vocab and speaking spontaneously, as well as understanding others more.

Totally debt free & keeping it that way.

Over the past few years, I’ve been excellent about not picking. My face has really benefited from it. In addition to finding a good, simple, and gentle skin care routine, not picking has left me with very minor acne at worst. I get a few minor zits & clogged pores like anyone, and they stay small & heal fast.

But I’ve had major stress, slept in makeup, and found it hard to leave alone the minor throbbing beneath the skin, which I picked into a big bump above the skin; it’s like I feel it’s ONE thing I can control. When really, I know I have to let go, and that applies to the stress too. Just be patient, let it pass, let it heal.

A week later, no more picking, & my skin looks better already.

It’s an ongoing process, but I don’t find it so difficult to make friends anymore. I’m better at establishing friendships & keeping in touch with old friends.

I can truly say I have a few very good friends now.

the past few months. I feel like I’ve honed my friend-making skills a bit. It doesn’t seem so difficult now. I’m also doing better at keeping in touch with old friends.

Sometimes I wonder who is driving this thing…

I feel like my thoughts & feelings intrude upon me. Most specifically – unrequited love, general feelings of hopelessness, negative internal dialogue where I criticize myself into a frenzy, & glorious fantasies which spoil my reality. I try to keep my focus away from these, but they insist on a presence.

I want my brain back!

34. Learning a new language. I’ve successfully learned to read Hindi. It feels great!

35. My ministry. I genuinely feel happy when doing it. Everything else just fades into the background.

36. Construction work. Yes, you read that right. I do some volunteer construction work, and it’s very good for my head, because it gets me out of it. I’m not a physical person, and I’m very girly (possibly prissy!), so it actually expands my horizons.

I’ve been praying lately to be content with my current situation, to not long for what I do not have. I am a glass-half-empty type, generally, so that what is missing is GLARING to me.

I’ve had a lot of positive developments in life, and yet I’ve felt torn up inside over ONE thing that is not going the way I’d like. It’s hard for me to even enjoy success, because mind tends to jump to the next void to be filled.

but am not 100%.

It really helps when I STOP worrying about being late. It’s like I can relax and just BE. Then I can wake up & not feel PRESSURE.

I’m also trying to focus on the positives of the day, to feel a motivation to get out bed.

because I’ve had a realization. “Doubt” doesn’t articulate what I’m trying to get past. I don’t really doubt myself as far as what I believe or who I am. There’s a BIG part of me that even knows I am capable of accomplishing things.

What I doubt is my value. And the more articulate word for this is “shame”. Shame has been a cloud following me in life. Even when I read the entries here, they say “shame” more than doubt. I’m ashamed of my design work; I don’t doubt it’s good, I FEEL it is not good enough. I am ashamed of my defects; I’m not X enough. I don’t doubt much of anything, I mostly believe things which may not be reality, and these hinder me in life.

It’s time I doubt myself, actually. My perception of myself has not been accurate. My view of reality, the way I read others’ reactions to me – it’s all been tainted by an ASSURANCE that I am just not good enough.

So now I will doubt myself, and I will give myself the benefit of that doubt.

I’m learning Hindi again.

I finally learned to read the devanagari script! I did it in a few weeks once I put my mind to it. I’m working on building up vocab & phrases now, and then grammar will come next.

I’m very focused this time & have a lot of encouragement & support.

- new job which I mostly like & which pays fairly
- learning a new language successfully
- focusing on spiritual & altruistic pursuits
- making new friends

Bad stuff
- still single, still miserable about it
- still smarting a bit after a difficult break-up
- indulging in hardcore crushing that is likely unrequited
- very, very tired from the positive list….but I’m resisting caving to the fantasy life at the expense of my real one
- staying with relatives temporarily while half my stuff is boxed up in storage; not sure where I’ll end up…
- cat is dying :/
- still stuck in this god-forsaken town…

The bad list is longer, but I think the good list is more SIGNIFICANT.

waiting for the discharge….

I cannot figure what else it could be. I’m too….TOO; and yet, not ENOUGH.

After over 3 years of being unemployed & very underemployed, I’ve found steady work in my field. I’m barely making more than what I did straight out of college, but it’s a living….

Consensus about beauty ideals can really get to me. What I mean by that is finding out what “most people prefer” & then seeing that I don’t fit that. Of course, I always zero in on what I don’t fit, not what I do fit.

When I can’t sleep, I’ll go on silly googling tangents where I’ll “ask” google, “Are thin lips ugly?”. Of course the “answers” are always harsh. Yes, most people dislike thin lips; they even associated it with negative personality traits like being mean, stingy or prudish… This doesn’t exactly make me feel good. I don’t know why I’m such a masochist in this way.

What’s funny is, I don’t really buy into this consensus for my own taste. I’ll often like non “classic” features. I also don’t tend to compartmentalize people & view beauty in terms of parts so much. If someone is physically beautiful to me, then it’s their whole look, whether or not each part is ideal. But I don’t apply that outlook easily to myself.

For the record, I mostly do feel good about my appearance in recent years, but like anyone, I have moments of insecurity still. It’s the same old stuff that bugs me – thin lips / small mouth, skinniness, small boobs, bad skin, funny teeth (despite having worn braces…), etc.

but most have been through my now ex-boyfriend. I don’t think any of them have my contact info, nor I theirs. I need to meet more people on my own, establish my own connections.

Again, I feel like I don’t know where to start. All of my avenues are the same dead ends they’ve always been.