POPkulture

i had my first bass lesson yesterday, let’s just say it is much much harder than it seems. nonetheless, im getting a Fender bass. im so excited. my friend/instructor insists that i go to the store before i buy it on ebay, but i refuse to let people hear my destructive, disgraceful noises. so, we’ve settled… we’re going to try out this fender bass far far away, and i will be incognito (wig to boot).

i inspired the below poem. however, i still do hope that one day i will infulence a body of work…

“Luminous, shimmering pools of love, star-crossed in the view of the sun
Shining rays of impenetrable, inescapable sweetness down upon those unsuspecting
The bounce and spirit in her heart, impossible to forget and even harder to deny.
A sweet iconoclasm; the furthest from the touch

To camouflage a much deeper sincerity

Her smile illuminates the inevitable lightness of being unto my existence
A thought of her gleams unto my subconscious
And as I pack my mind up, heading down this broken road to the rhythms of those jaded souls far more volatile than I
I realize I am not lost

I have just been losing for a long time

And that’s my rock n’ roll.

Someone like you can give me strength in my hour of need
Someone like you can wrap these bell towers in shades of grey for me
Cascading my soul in an endless parade of watchful eyes
And as she smiles sweetly, I can be happy again.

The wave breaks back upon itself.
The wave of a million broken promises, forgotten aspirations; half-told truths seems inevitable- even trivial

To feel true, to feel free, to feel creative, to feel all-for-one and one-for-all
That’s my rebellion
That’s my rock n’ roll

When she is happy

And I can feel true again.”

i just read the last entry (and only) that i made on this goal, and i mentioned a friend that i had tea with, and that he was someone i felt close to and didn’t understand why. it saddens me because he is dead now, and has been for the past 3 months now. i think with time, a person’s death becomes more sureal. once the tears and funerals dry up, it almost seems like they just went on vacation, or you’re just out of touch. his accidential murderer’s statement today was: “i pray every day for all the families involved. i realize i will live with a sense of guilt for the rest of my life.”

lately i’ve been getting the notion that there is more to “this” than just simply people making choices each day. just as i finsihed reading the last entry noted above, my mom passed through my room notifying me of the atricle published about the man who is more than likely going to prison for manslaughter. perhaps it was just a coincidence, but it seems as if these coincidences happen more frequently with each passing day. if there is anything that i learned from my friend, it was that beauty really is on the inside, and that everyday you should smile and make the best of it, and to tell people all the time the way you feel about them no matter how ridiculous you sound… that’s what he did, which makes me believe he lived a fulfilled life. he was truely one of a kind. i just wish he knew how much i loved him. this hasn’t happened for quite some time, but i feel that gutteral pressure rising up within me before i break into tears.

i guess my fear is: letting people really become close to me, and when they do, they abandon me before i can tell them how much i care for them. it seems like a dilema easily fixed… too bad it isn’t so.