Pain2deep2heal

I have been living in the past for the last 4 years now. A little over a week ago, I let my past love go…at least the thoughts of reconciliation. This person became my everything, and I kept holding on to the feeling of what things use to be like. I didn’t think I had it in me to let it all go, but in a moment everything changed. I realized its okay to embrace the memories of the past, but not to let yourself be dictated by the “use to be’s” I realized I had to stop looking in the rear view mirror of life because it prevented me from focusing on what was ahead of me. It’s all moment to moment, but eventually it will be day to day and soon enough I will be completely free.
Since I let go and stopped living in the past, I feel so much freedom, I had forgotten what it was like to feel free. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. The thing is living in the past only causes pain, because it doesn’t allow you to grow as an individual and eventually you end up losing years of your life in a relationship that had so much pain. Living in the past was only good for a temporary moment, but it left me trapped and it was so hard to let the past go and live for today…but I thank God he released me from all of that…

I realized I have to learn to love myself. Every word out of my mouth that condemns myself, is only a step further from learning to love myself. So many people find it so easy to love themself, but when you lose yourself in someone else, its hard to find out what you love about yourself…when the person you lost yourself in, all of a sudden disregards you. I use to know what I enjoyed about life, now I have to start over and figure out what truly makes me happy. I hear I need to take small steps…maybe the small steps will add up.

The person I thought I could truly trust broke my heart. It took me so long to trust them and after all was said and done, it turned my world upside down. I have such a hard time trusting people. I have been let down time and time again. So I stopped trusting people, but does this make me emotionless? This wall I built up, so afraid someone is going to come along and break it down and just walk out of my life. I started to trust again, but that scared the heck out of me…and left me running in the opposite direction. I’m still broken hearted and feel like love just ends in heartache. My outlook on life has changed.
This trust issue has me doubting so many things, especially since I myself am like a vault, whatever is said to me in confidence remains in me and that’s it. I feel if you can’t have a relationship that consists of trust, then what is the point. I started thinking is it too much to ask for someone to keep your life to themselves?..and the answer I came up with was NO way, and if it is to hard then its another mistake to add to the books.