I’ve been messing with my skin the past few days. Nothing too serious, but I’ve got to cut it out. I’ll go a couple of weeks without really noticing my skin blemishes, then I get bored or distracted and go at it.
http://www.littlethingsmatter.com/blog/2010/07/16/are-your-expectations-hurting-or-helping-you/
Today I had an argument with my boyfriend about something that I’ve neglected to address for a long time.
For almost all of my life, I’ve never realized why I’m so unsatisfied with things that happen to me. Maybe I don’t get what I want from someone. Maybe they don’t do what I think they should do. Maybe they do something I don’t think they should do.
The issue is that I have a bad habit of setting high expectations- nay, unrealistic expectations for the people around me, and oftentimes, for myself.
I had a long walk home today. I cried at the bus stop. I moped at my bedroom desk. I pondered things on Facebook.
As I get older I realize the correlation between forgiveness and expectations of someone.
1. forgiveness isn’t about accepting an apology. It is about closure for yourself about things and realizing the other person is human and therefore is not perfect by nature.
2. Expectations are pre-conceived notions one develops for yourself and others about how things should happen and how people should act.
2.a When expectations you have aren’t met or recognized at all by the other person, you yourself feel betrayed because they aren’t living/acting up to your pre-conceived expectations. Ergo, you get upset with them.
See, I’m understanding things a whole lot better, but when I’m put into these situations when my expectations of others is compromised, I get really upset.
It makes me feel…
Angry
Sad
Confused
Invalidated
Passive-aggressive
Resentful
I’ll go Law and Order on my boyfriend at times. Cross examine the shit out of him. And it’s not that I want to, but my flowchart tells me to. Something happens. Question it. Not the right answer? Know he’s lying? Ask until I get the answer I’m EXPECTING. I get the truth. The truth compromises my EXPECTATIONS of him. I get mad. He gets upset that I’m mad. We argue. Someone cries. We stay passively aggressive about it for awhile. We cool off. I do crazy things like this and think about why I do these things to him. We come together and try and fix it.
It’s like trying to put a fucking printer cartridge into a printer. The slider thing goes back and forth, buttons flash, ink spurts everywhere until you get the damn thing in and then all it does is look like a monochromatic mess in the end. You know where the things have to go, but for some reason you forget what you have to do first.
It’s frustrating. This is something I HAVE to change about myself if I ever want peace. It will be difficult. It will be humbling. But hopefully I feel better at the end.
Today marks the end of my career course. I’m still as puzzled about my major and career future as ever. Things are looking a little less fuzzy, but I’m still not satisfied with how things are looking.
I’m researching certain science fields, communications, accounting… things that all these personality quizzes tell me I would be perfect with.
I’m like 265. No bueno.
This can’t get any worse. I’m only 21. I don’t even lift, bro.
Medications don’t help my battle with weight fluctuations.
Also I’ve been feeling really lethargic because of the time change.
To quote Louis C.K., I need to lose the equivalent of a dead dog and sooner rather than later.
Thinking about breaking down and getting a free gym trial. My boyfriend is also looking to lose weight. Just…
It’s not even the weight. It’s my eating habits. It’s the sore legs I get. It’s waking up feeling chubby. Not realizing how round I look. I RUE THE DAY SOMEONE ASKS ME HOW FAR ALONG I AM.
Gosh.
This is just…
I’m so disappointed in myself.
Doesn’t help there’s a big ass cake in the fridge. Chocolate, chocolate chocolate. NO, no, no.
Skin-wise, things aren’t too bad. I’ve discovered the art of exfoliating my legs before shaving! I never noticed how much dead skin builds up on my skin… but it makes shaving a whole lot less bloody and irritating!
I’m growing my hair out from pixie cut to normal length, so I anticipate by summertime I’ll probably experience some skin acne. Hopefully by then I’ll be busy with things that I won’t have any time to poke around at my skin!
I’m going to reupholster a toy box for my mom.
Never upholstered or reupholstered a damn thing in my life before now.
Currently researching tools needed, fabric/material to use, measuring things and estimating whether I’ll be able to finish it by Mother’s day. (Note: Find out when mother’s day is)
En el año pasado, necesité qué tomar una clase de español para el colegio. Soy aprendiste mucho. ¡Ella Habló muy elegante y está muy amable!
Este semestre de colegio, yo estudio mas espanol para educación general. Es mas feliz. Estoy feliz que empiezo estudiar el idioma mas.
Yo usé Google Translator que ayudar escribir este. Pero, solamente necesitaste doble cheque el spelling.
I think I actually finished or damn near finished this book. I should go find it and take pictures of it. Or did I already?
The last time I bothered it, I pretty much dipped it in tempera paint and wrapped it in a piece of newspaper for a week.
(I kind of went crazy)
Well I can’t say that I’ve come to a conclusion on my decision to stay an English major or not, but I’m taking a career development class. We’re doing things I’ve already done for myself online- tests, personality quizzes, researching things. But… it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in my journey in finding my calling.
The class has people in it ranging from 18 to like 50. People of ALL walks of life. It’s amazing. I’m really glad to be on the younger half of that range because it means that I’m not TOO late!
I’m also trying to take in the comfort of knowing that I don’t have to have just ONE career, ONE job, ONE path in life.
While that would be secure, it’s not realistic and it’s honestly something that would not satisfy me. (Unless it’s something like becoming an author, in which case… get me a cabin in the middle of nowhere and a typewriter!)
https://www.tuftandneedle.com/shikibed
A shikibuton. See, I have this strange hobby of re-arranging my bedroom about every couple of weeks. So… having a bed I can move around, put up and out of the way will really benefit me.
That being said, I’m sure it will take some getting used to. I’ve never slept on one, and as foolish as it may seem to buy a bed without sleeping on it… well, it comes with a 30 day return policy. And, I plan on buying a foam support or a second shiki if I must to suit it to my needs.
But, I’m pretty jazzed. Sure, I have to sleep on my fire hazard of a mattress in the meantime, but I’m determined to save up for this bed!
As of the beginning of this month, I’ve taken it upon myself to begin a fund to save up for a bed!
It’s gonna be about… oh, $600 all together I’m guessing, but I’ll appreciate it all the more knowing I made the effort to save money for it.
It feels great knowing I have a financial goal, even if it’s just for a piece of furniture.
I’m also trying to cut back on spending money on coffee and snacks at school. Saving up change. Out of sight, out of mind.
I’ve got to get around to calling some new doctors! I have some numbers but I have to run them by my folks to see if they agree that they are good choices. I’ve never had to choose a doctor for general wellness before :S
So the past month or so, I’ve invested in wax strips. I’m tweezing my eyebrows for the moment (trying to save money) but I’m experiencing less ingrown hairs. Less ingrown hairs = no need to pick at my skin! And I’ve been exfoliating more, so there’s less dead skin cell buildup. Less buildup = less skin acne and stuff! Scabs are healing up nicely, I’m getting better at wax strips (hurts a bit but it’s a quick thing to get used to). I’m hoping that by the time the weather gets better, I’ll be able to show off skin that I can be proud to flaunt!
I’m making another pair right now; patchwork on the sides and just sewed them into the jeans last night. I’ll get pictures up soon =)
I got really stressed out and went for the face. I haven’t screwed around with the blemishes on my face for a very long time now. Now I have spots…
While I can’t say that I have been 100% free of this compulsion, things have been getting better.
One, waxing my eyebrows eliminates the need for a pair of tweezers at my immediate disposal. No tweezers = no excess skin tampering.
Secondly, I’m taking better care of my skin. I’ve found that using an exfoliating body wash with a loofah, and also a pumice, helps smooth over scabs and prevents ingrown hairs. Also, Veet! No need for razors!
I’ve really had to rethink my beauty routines to change how I approach my body image as far as skin picking goes. But it’s working out nicely so far.
A couple of scabs I had for a long time are finally being buffed away! It’s a relief to not feel so self-conscious about skin. Well, winter helps, too =)
Well, I used to think that I HAD to have a religion. That if I had it, I’d be more normal or people would be closer to me. But while churches and things do bring people together, they’re brought together for the reason of worship. Not just to hang out.
I’m becoming more comfortable with my personal ideas/opinions on spirituality and religion.
Well, first I got my wisdom teeth yanked. Then, Halloween came. THEN, Thanksgiving. Weight Watchers just sort of fell off the radar for a while. I really tried not to overindulge on Thursday, and I didn’t even eat that much candy on Halloween, but I was on a soft food diet for my oral surgery.
Gotta get back on the ball, before finals, and before Christmas. I can totally “be good” on Christmas.
