PascalKitten

I was with my husband for 16 years, married for 12 and I cheated on him. A couple of times, not that I’m proud of that. The last time I felt pushed into leaving him by him, and pulled by the man I was cheating with. Things spiraled out of control for following 3 months until I screamed “Stop. I need to pause reality until I can gain control again”. I saw my extranged husband, not sure why, but I just needed to see him. We spoke, he asked questions, I answered with total honesty (another first for me) and I asked if there was a chance…he said he didn’t think so.

Since then I have been to a relationship counselling, I’ve felt depression, suicidal, unloved and so emptry. I’m on anti depressents and I’ve cried more water than our english summer.

My new man, loves me so deeply and wants to marry me, have children with me, and 90% of the time it sounds great. But I can’t help missing my first love, and wanting him back. 2 weeks ago I had an light bulb go on it my head. It was ok to still love him and to still miss him, that shouldn’t stop me moving forward. So I@ve felt good for 2 weeks and then friday just gone, I got sad again. And I’ve felt so wretched in my heart and soul.

I’ve no family to turn to (they all live in Australia) and friends tend to be one sided. The kids almost love my new man more than their own father, and that makes it worse.

I don’t know what to do. It just feels like a bad dream, that I can’t wake up from. Or maybe it’s just ground hog day.

I’ve just failed my marriage and for the past 6 months was living in denial. When it hit my that my husband of 12 years (been together for 16) was never going to walk through my front door again, or be there on christmas morning or hug me again, I felt like my world was collapsing. And since that fateful Monday afternoon I can’t stop crying. It’s affecting my children (8, 7, 3) and since I’ve already failed them in not keeping the family together, now that I’m cracking up, just makes the pain twice as bad.
I’ve just started on anti depressants (4 days ago) and I think I’m feeling even worse.

I want my husband back, I have to let go of my lover (who still wants to love me, even after all the uncertainty crap I’ve put him through) and I couldn’t even get out of bed today. How the hell am I going to get through this.

I feel sick, empty, lonely and a failure.

I’m not one for suicide, but sometimes it seems that the world would be a far better place without me. At least then I couldn’t screw up any more lives…..