is pretty much my only friend. I realized that in the last 2 years, on top of the usual loneliness that comes from having no friends, even my relationship with music was deteriorating. I use to write and record songs all the time, sing and play instruments… but I don’t do that anymore. Music was this little imaginary world of my own where I could get lost and fill the emptiness for a while. Everything is dead and blank in my life, but music made things appear alive and lit up with bright lights and flashing neon colors in my head, for a while. Things don’t feel quite right. Maybe the next step in my recovery is reconnecting with music – get back to the same level I was before… which consist of basically listening to music A LOT and force myself to pick up my guitar and sing. If I can’t have a life/friends, then I might as well have music, at least.
PassThisOn's Life List
So this goal is still sitting on my list… I figure I’ll probably never erase it completely either… simply because I think some of its origins are part of who I am. I believe my state of mind goes beyond depression. I’m fundamentally fucked. I have not just become depressed after a tragic event or awful circumstances in my life. I grew up in a negative atmosphere that fed me a distorted take on life from a very young age… Children have a basic need for love and reassurance which is usually fulfilled in order to make them confident independent adults. I had none of that. I grew up alone and afraid and never shown otherwise. I learnt that no one could be trusted, not to let anything show, not to let anyone in. I am a child in an adult’s body. I don’t know how to love or be loved. I don’t know how to handle people. I don’t know how to get close to anyone. These things are inbuilt in me. Overcoming the overwhelming loneliness that has filled my whole life is not just about re-gaining control of my life. It’s about challenging my whole world which does not happen easily. Over the years it has improved, sure, and it will carry on improving… but I think becoming ‘normal’ would mean being someone else entirely and as this is impossible, I have to live with the fact that there are these glitches in brain making a little socially awkward naturally… and no matter how much I try to change, these things might never go away completely…and I guess that’s OK.
Do you find that your depression follows a cycle?
For a few years I feel like I’ve been stuck in a loop. It stems from losing someone that meant a lot to me and watching him rebuild his life without ever being able to tell him how I felt about him. I have difficulty living my life and know that he is just a “trigger”...
The cycle goes a bit like this. I start feeling dissatisfied with my life -> I think about him and how he lives his life -> I want what he has and think I can have that too -> I am on a high for a while -> I’m struck with fear and don’t know where to start -> I feel sad and pathetic -> I feel increasingly lonely, like I’ve wasted my life so far and terrified of wasting the rest of it -> I feel like there’s no escape -> I think of “him” and how I miss him, but can’t reach out to him -> I become very agitated and angry at myself and feel that I’m going to explode -> period of serious depression/feeling suicidal lasting from a few days to a few weeks -> I push it all back in a dark corner of my mind and think “that’s enough I have to live my life” -> I try to keep myself busy with as many things as possible to feel like I have a life -> I feel fine for a while sometimes even on top of the world like nothing can stop me.
And then it restarts. Sometimes the cycle takes months, sometimes I go through the loop in the space of a day… I’m tired. ffs, I just want to be happy.