Pechorin

about things but nothing seems important. This life seems more dead than alive. Work is like a prison and when I’m off work I think about going back to the prison. I do, know, like, want, need nothing. My entire existence evolves around getting money to pay off bills and food and booze and clothes and everything that is required in order to make more money but in the end there is nothing. Getting old and death, yes that will be the end, but what is in between ? Just waiting, walking around blindly stumbling against walls, leaving a few stains of blood here and there and getting a few insignificant scars. Is it my fault that I’m unable to enjoy my existence on this planet? What is wrong with me ? Or is there something wrong with me or is it the others that are crazy ?

I don’t know exactly why but all throughout the day I tell myself I should shut up and keep myself to myself. Somehow I always end up joking around with other people, without really wanting it.
We sit in a group of six and they’re constantly talking and chatting and making jokes and gossiping about other people and I don’t want to play a part in it. Because I know that they will be gossiping and talking about me behind my back when I’m not there. I always end up joining them poking fun at everyone and everything. It makes the time spent in the office seem more pleasant, for them, for sure, for me too, but it’s such a wretched and disgusting attitude that I feel somewhat ashamed of associating with them.
I feel like I want to be kind to other people. I just want to be myself, Worry about my insignificant half-thoughts, They are so obvious all of them, these little things they say which they suppose is going to make them feel more important than the rest. And I feel like a hypocrite because I’m nice to everyone when I really should be telling them to go to hell.
Maybe those who don’t have these thoughts live happier. They may think that because they never get upset, never say a bad word, always smile and are always polite,they’re good people, when in reality they don’t take anything serious and make fun of people who take things to the heart. I’m no sissy, I’m not being mobbed, my character is just too strong, the surface, this evil look of mine has always held everyone in check, and I don’t really care what they say behind my back. In fact I do care, but it doesn’t really hurt me, I’m just curious I guess, who other people perceive me. \
All this may not make much sense. I’m just trying to get some thoughts out of this dumb head.

Constantly bored, with everything. When I’m not bored, I’m worried, with everything. It’s always everything, or nothing. I’m unable make distinctions. It’s either white , black , or grey.
The only times I feel awake are when I am under stress, mental or physical. Most times I feel asleep, but I never feel really asleep, I rather feel half-asleep, half awake.