i noticed something happening this morning, and i think it was the bipolar although it could be because of stress or just my df being annoying (an example of this being that he thinks it is cuter if our dog is untrained and not obedient) however, all craziness on his part aside, i feel like i was getting really out of control the last few days (with my mom cutting back on my allowance and so feeling financial pressure and stressed about that, and angry about deciding to invest the money and why should i be punished for that anyways?
but just in general, feeling a lot of irritation (and taking it out on him because he is there). and i think the irritation is about the bipolar, and part of it is because of summer and that’s a more manic time. and irritation can be part of low level mania.
so how to control it? well at least i put the money into investment, so spending is now under control for the rest of the stock money. so that’s good.
journaling on here helps to bring stress down for sure, as does yoga, so i can do those things, and just do a little bit less every day. my mom and df are saying “get a job” but i dont’ want to push myself.
if i can just be normal and nice that’s really enough for me.
so maybe just trying to not expect too much from myself, keeping my days stress free, and doing stress reducing activities like yoga and making sure i get enough sleep…
as for arguing with df… i don’t know. just make sure everything else in my life in under control and things will probably be okay with him. i know i was really hungry and i think that was a big part of it. and stressed.
for example he wanted to shop at costco and i didn’t want to shop there… but we had to shop together, because it was his card and he wanted me to choose things. but he didn’t want to leave the dog alone in the car because he was afraid someone would steal him. i don’t know… it seemed ridiculous to me. who would break into a car to take a dog? there are millions of dogs to take at the spca.
who knows. anyways we were fighting about it because i thought it was fine to leave the dog in the car. he will keep the dog with him but won’t walk it or train it. go figure.
i guess the best thing i can do is try to keep a regular schedule too. that has been shown to help with bipolar. so maybe there are things i can do every day (whether i am in san jose or santa cruz) that become a part of my routine.
i don’t know. i want to spend this week here in sc. relaxing, there won’t be tourists here because it’s during the week, the weather is beautiful. but i hate being away from df. and if we are fighting it’s even scarier.
i have never worried for even a second that he would leave me but last night he didn’t even want to spend the night and this morning he seemed very frustrated with me and i was crying. i feel out of control. i just want to be with him but i need to get myself together.
one step at a time.