PepperyJasmine

151 this am.

idea: go to core yoga at 4.

151 this am. feeling frustrated and wanting to get down to 149 by the beginning of april and it’s already march 17th (st paddy’s day)

idea for today: going for a walk this morning, enjoy the sunshine. go back to sc, go to salsa by the sea.

150 this am.

go to tai chi at 10am.

stay motivated with food journaling and doing 43things every morning.

work on centering myself and building a weekly routine. this will help both with mental stability & when I am mentally stable it will be easier to work on physical health.

149 this am.

idea: just feeling like i want to lie around today. it’s already 4pm and i’ve basically rested all day today.

feeling down about worrying about how i am going to sleep because of my boyfriend snoring, and getting bad sleep just totally brings me down.

and i need a strict schedule to be my highest functioning, and it’s been hard to stick to one lately.

in the meantime, what i can do today i guess is eat some homemade juice and make a salad with some lettuce.

:)

149 this am :)

well i didn’t get as much sleep last night as i would like. which always means wanting to eat more. but i ate really well yesterday and i’m stoked to be back at 149.

so for today, eating healthy, getting for a walk this morning, maybe do a little yoga this am too just to get a good start to the day.

i don’t want to start out stressed. eating some fruit take it with me if we have to rush out.

apparently the “perfect age gap” is 4 years, so it’s too late for that…

Idea: go away together… tahoe?

trying to lose weight, worrying about florean, not going to sleep early enough, eating sugar, etc etc.

florean: remember to put myself first and not get bogged down being a caretaker, keep my internal reserves.

going to sleep early: stay going to the library and turn the lights off early enough

eating sugar: replace with fruit, ask florean to pay for the groceries at his house, make vegetables at my house,

this is so hard. and it seems like it gets harder every day. what is it with being a woman, or being myself, or the role models i saw growing up, i don’t know. i wonder if men have this problem too. i guess sometimes guys will date some gorgeous woman, or like a really hot lady and then they will put her first, spend all their money on her, whatever, all their time, drive her around… i’ve had guys do that for me, drive me everywhere, when i didn’t have a car. and of course guys will do a lot for young women.

but my point is, as a woman, i don’t want to be the caretaker, getting fat or sad depressed letting my bipolar get out of control, or in general becoming unhealthy because i am expending all my energy trying to “take care of my man”... my mom used to sing this country song around the house when i was a kid,

I think it is “stand by your man” by tammy wynette.

and it’s all about just putting up with anything he does and sticking with him no matter what. i mean, i want a long term relationship and everything… and i do plan on being there for the long haul… but on the other hand, i don’t want to sacrifice my own well being.

i haven’t been able to follow these plans i’ve made before in the past. i wanted to get back to santa cruz and go to sbts last weekend and i couldn’t do it. but i want to make some changes from now on. i don’t know… on the other hand it’s good to be in love. love is important and empowering. and it’s good to be generous and giving, it’s good for the soul and healthy.

i just know i need to take care of myself or i will fall apart. there are things i have to do, my sleep, my medication, my therapy, that are absolutely necessary to control my bipolar that i don’t think f. truly understands the necessity of.

i will bring over the bipolar book today to his house and read some excerpts to him from it. it will help him understand more about me… it’s scary sharing something like that but important too.

what else can i do to take care of myself? i would like to get massages again… but that’s not in the budget right now…

well it would be fun to go to salsa rueda at stanford… but i would also like to spend time with florean tonight…

but i guess i could take care of myself by going to rueda at stanford tonight… or go for a walk at the dish.

EDIT:

because of f. being rear-ended last night, i think it’s important I spend this evening with him, and he doesn’t want to go to rueda. that’s ok. he was nice enough to pay for a gym membership for me, so i will go to a zumba class at 5:30 and hopefully i can avoid the traffic.

151 this AM. I think I am losing weight, as I look at my progress over time. It is a gradual process. However, there has been a lot of instability lately and I’ve noticed myself eating later in the evening and going to sleep late.

I wrote in my journal that I was concerned that t. was a bad influence on eating habits, etc and I didn’t want to have a relationship that was causing me to gain weight. So I wanted to be stable at 149 by april 1st, or I would have to break up. Right after that I made that weight watchers vegetable soup and I was down to 147 almost right away and it was easy.

Now I am back to 151 after spending a weekend at t’s house, eating late at night, eating cookies and chocolate milk, and the stress of commuting etc.

I definitely want to be at 149 by april 1st, and though I’ve made these mistakes in the past like when I tried to force myself to 145 in time for halloween and got an injury… it never works to push yourself to weight loss by a deadline, but maybe it will work for me. I’m just going to be careful not to get an injury.

I have 2 weeks left.

eating attack plan:

-lose water weight with asparagus & cucumber juice. & constantly drink water.
-no sugar for the next 2 weeks.
-how to avoid sugar at f’s house? -always make sure he has fruit at his house. if i have to buy it, ask him to give me money. or eat yogurt. if I am craving desserts or whatever they have there, go for a walk if it’s during the day, or do yoga if it’s at night. or go to the gym or to a dance class. it’s ok if f doesn’t come.
-when in santa cruz. – eat LOTS of vegetables. cook vegetable stir frys and make vegetable soup. freeze some for later. ditto at f’s house
-how to handle being gone for a day, groceries going bad while being away? only commute one day a week, buy groceries the day i get back, have a regular schedule! the day before i drive over, eat whatever’s left in the fridge, or buy stuff for a tuna salad.

taking classes with sidney weaverling in SF. at the ODC in SF. Friday night Rueda classes, sunday afternoon salsa workout.

buy vegetables & fruit at Safeway, get F. to pay for them, eat fruit & healthy. make soup or something healthy, lentils etc. yogurt etc. lots of fruit.

take a yoga class at just breathe (the saturday night free one?)

wednesday night rueda at stanford.

I am pretty sure that I don’t. I don’t think my boyfriend wants any more kids (he already has a 20 year old daughter) and I don’t think we can really afford any more kids. His mom was telling me how much work they were when they were young.

When we are in bed together I always change my mind about it but then when I am thinking clearly I think having a baby would be a lot of work, a LOT of work.

I like being able to relax and have the house be quiet. However, I liked it being quiet when I was single and I liked my quiet organized single life and now that I have a boyfriend I like that too. It’s nice having a boyfriend. Maybe it would be nice having a baby too. It’s sort of a basic human thing, having a baby. Procreation, all of that, a basic animal drive, a satisfaction. The need to procreate.

I always ask myself, would having kids make me happier? For a long time I thought it would not, but lately I have been wondering if maybe it might make me happier.

My mom wants me to. Probably because she is already 61 and doesn’t have any grandkids and my cousins don’t have any kids. She wants to have grandkids.

Every time I think I have decided for sure (and it’s usually no) I realize that I can’t shut the door on it. But at the same time I could never break up with my boyfriend because he doesn’t want them. But at the same time I’m not really going to actively try not to have them. If it happens, it happens. Que sera, sera.

I guess that’s not really the best approach. It’s probably better to make an informed decision and plan for it.

back to san antonio ranch. beautiful wildflowers, and then dinner with my mom, terry & dave at naghtmarck (night market?) austrian restaurant.

nice hike…

it was a great day.

we have plans for the ballet on march 24th. and we are going to go to salsa rueda on tuesday.

Go back to sc today

Go for walk. Eat healthy at restaurant.

go home tomorrow morning. so i can go to sbts. give t 2 weeks so he can have some space about coming to santa cruz or not. which is until March 22. don’t bug him about it until then. if on march 22nd he still won’t give me an answer about when he is willing to come visit me… then make a decision about whether i am willing to put up with him not coming to santa cruz. in the meantime don’t bug him about it.

go to yoga class this afternoon. eat a 2nd salad this evening, buy some cans of chicken soup to take over to f’s house. make some chicken soup with spinach.

if we go out to lavazza, NO DESSERT!! just get a fruit cup, or mint tea, no sugar.

if i’m hungry in the evening buy hummus & baby carrots at safeway to eat as a snack.

1) walking near t’s house on creek
2) trampoline place
3) walking on los gatos creek trail, san antonio ranch, or st. josephs.
4) walking at vasona
5) yoga at breathe
6) classes at club one
7) eating out at hobees
8) salsa rueda tuesday nights with samy
9) hanging out with joan & mike
10) hanging out with marina, jeff, carl, piper, bernie, julieta, laurie
11)

1) clean house, clean beautiful yard with lots of flowers & no weeds
2) peaceful relationship with loving boyfriend
3) healthy body
4) peaceful relationship with loving family
5) strong relationships with caring and supportive friends
6) getting to dance on a regular basis with lots of people who enjoy dancing with me and feeling like i get to dance with the people i want to dance with and getting the attention i want
7) getting to dance with my boyfriend
8) comfortable relationship with my finances
9) lots of girlfriends i can talk to and hang out with
10) managing my bipolar so i never have another episode and i have a normal mood the rest of my life :)

this is going really well, i can’t always get to it every day as my boyfriend doesn’t have a juicer, but i drank some boxed juice from safeway (it was nowhere NEAR as good…) but i do notice when i drink the fresh juice it is super revitalizing…

:)

i try to do it every day i have access to a juicer.

152 today. got a little out of control when dealing with the poison oak. i don’t feel too guilty though because at least i ate healthy food but a tube of raisins and box of dates are still very high in calories and sugar even if they are natural foods.

today i ran out of dates and i’m low on raisins and the poison oak is finally getting better (thank you steroids! – don’t worry that’s actually what they prescribe to bring down the swelling)

so i am getting back on the wagon, ate a grapefruit (hopefully that’s ok with my meds???)