PepperyJasmine

I think this is a good goal because I want to do more gardening but I’ve had trouble getting out there for a long time once a week, and I think it’s actually important to check on all your plants every day because some of them might need something more frequently than once a week. Ten minutes isn’t very long but it’s better than nothing and it’s better to start small. I think I can handle 10 minutes and I want to be doing something at least. I read in a motivational website that just do something tiny if you want to do something, that way you can handle it and won’t give up. I really want to get my garden looking really nice :)

I was feeling kind of depressed after salsa class today. I wanted to get a burrito to make myself feel better and eat it but instead I bought some sushi and a seaweed salad. I read that the iodine in the seaweed salad helps to balance your thyroid.

I guess I will get a burrito soon but eat it earlier in the day. I think what I ate was probably lighter than a burrito and with more nutrients and better to eat right before bed (even though I would like to get in the habit of eating earlier or somehow changing my schedule, it’s just hard having the 7-8pm salsa class.

i guess i was just feeling depressed because i developed a crush on a guy and then he just stopped calling me and stopped showing up to class and i guess last hope was that he would come to class on wed, today. i told my friends about him and that i thought we were dating and now i’m embarrased that he dropped out of my life. i had to delete his number on my phone because he stopped calling me and i was afraid i didn’t have the willpower to not call him.

february is a hard month for me, with valentines day. last year I ate a lot of ice cream during february, and gained weight. this year i want to eat healthier and ideally lose weight during this month. i don’t want to get into emotional issues now, but i am dealing with a lot of things right now, trying to get ssdi and i have a new job working for my mom which puts our relationship under stress and i’m also volunteering and i have a house to take care of and a cat and i also do salsa dancing and i have friends and i wish i could have a relationship… but that doesn’t seem to happen :(

and trying to lose weight takes a tremendous amount of concentration, willpower, energy, committment energy time effort dedication and priority. I have weighed 160lbs or more my entire adult life since freshman year of high school. at 5 feet 4 and a half inches that is too much, i should be 150 lbs at the most. maybe with all the yoga and now tai chi i do my posture might have improved enough that i am 5’5” hopefully but i should still be 150 pounds. trying to lose 10 pounds is actually really hard, especially when it is something you have had your entire life and when you have also weighed way way more than that sometimes.

i gained 100 pounds when i was around 18 years old very rapidly and stretched my skin out. if i lose enough weight to feel like i am where i want to be, i might have to have surgery to tighten my skin, but maybe not. i am young enough that it might tighten on its own. hopefully!!

it is a little loose right now just from losing the 10 pounds or so I have already lost in the last couple of months. Trying to lose the next 10 pounds is a big challenge and I just have to deeply commit.

I’m lucky I have 43things. I also created a blog that i am hoping my friend and mom will keep up with but it’s so nice to have internet support from 43things too because people are very responsive and supportive and it makes a huge difference in my commitment level. Thanks!!! :)

Today is the first day of February. I’ve been working hard to lose weight and I’ve lost 5 pounds during January. I want to keep up the momentum and lose another 5 or so in February. Ideally I’d like to get down to 149 on my home scale (that’s my first goal) just to be in the “normal” category for my BMI. And then, ideally, I would like to be in the “normal” category at the doctor’s office.

It depends on how much muscle you have and bone structure too but I definitely have a belly and as I have lost those 5 pounds already I am noticing it’s easier to move around and feeling better. I notice I feel better when I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables and foods that have a lot of “color” like raw beets in a salad and sprouts and a wide mixture of natural foods, avocado stuff like that. Getting a lot of nutrients can be very beneficial.

I also want to keep running intervals, I have noticing very impressive weight loss during the days when I do that. It’s also kind of fun, in a “exercisy” way. I really feel like I am pushing myself.

I also want to keep drinking a TON of water, I’ve read that when you are better hydrated you can burn fat more easily (or convert stored fat to energy more easily, actually) . So I am trying to drink a lot of water, eat a lot of vegetables, and exercise as much as possible. I think it’s important to make exercise feel meaningful to you, and have weight loss be meaningful, be doing it for a reason.

I guess partly I’m doing it because I want to feel confident in my body and if I start dating someone I want to feel confident in being romantic with him. But it’s definitely more than that, because I have felt confident in my body and being romantic at all different weights that I have been. And I know that men are attracted to women of all shapes and sizes. You don’t have to weight a certain amount for a guy to like you or to be in a relationship. So losing weight to meet someone or to be in a relationship isn’t really a motivating factor for me.

I guess my main motivation is that I like to be active, and I feel like losing weight makes it easier to do the things that I love. I want to manage my bipolar, and Yoga is an import piece of the bipolar management puzzle for me. I see myself “committing” to Yoga for the rest of my life. I want it to be a daily practice. I mainly began it because of the breathwork and the calming mental effects it has because I wanted it to manage my BP. However now that I do it more I’ve noticed that with a little weight loss it is easier to do the poses.

This type of thing is one of the benefits I hope to experience with weight loss. For example, it would be nice to be able to do the arm balances in Yoga without feeling inhibited by excess abdominal fat or whatever fat anywhere, carrying extra pounds. The lighter I am the easier balances will be. Also, the more weight I can lose the easier any type of activity I can do. I’ll be able to hike farther, run faster, dance better, and have more endurance. I’ll be able to do more gardening, and have more energy to clean my house. Just more energy for everything because I won’t be carrying around extra pounds of fat that are serving no useful purpose.

So I have a lot of motivation to lose weight. To get more energy and be able to do more with my body. I have also been using “stumbleupon to look for websites about motivation.

Anyways, I want to do some intervals/sprinting today, and go to the grocery store and buy supplies for fruit smoothies, and salads. I am going to eat oatmeal for breakfast and go to yoga at 9:30. I am going to clean out the fridge. I am going to make my schedule for working at creekside and organize that so I don’t get stressed by it any more. I am going to make a to-do list and call a lawyer about my social security disability hearing. I am going to check on my budget. And I am going to try and relax and destress a bit. I think I am feeling kind of overwhelmed and I woke up this morning tense at 5 and couldn’t fall back asleep. I need to keep my cortisol low so I can lose weight so I want to minimize stressors I will journal about that. Once I get creekside on a regular schedule and the disability hearing done things will settle down. Just keeping things done, asking for help, and not taking on too much is key.

:)

so I dropped down to 156 and then back up to 157… it sucks to lose weight and then gain it back again it feels like I’m going nowhere but I look at my progress over the whole month of january and I’ve lost 5 pounds!!! so even if I gained one pound back I need to stay focused and not get discouraged. I need to keep running intervals and get the money together to buy new running shoes.

I want to start eating a big veggie scramble in the mornings and I need to get back into the habit of keeping my house clean all the time. That reduces stress and having a clean kitchen makes it easier to cook.

A new idea… I guess this one could just be reviewing old things, get the kitchen clean all the time, buy new exercise shoes.!

Buy new running shoes. that’s an idea. I want this to happen in the next week or two. Haha new running shoes by valentines day! :) and be running intervals at least twice a week. The pounds will be melting off!!

:)

my bed
my jewelry
my body
my friends
the ability to choose a relationship
the ability to choose how i spend my time
hiking

I like to manage my house
I am trying to date
I am losing weight

talking to friends at salsa
my salsa teachers c&j
losing weight
seeing a coyote

I want to schedule a regular routine for my gardening job.

Negative though: I suck because I don’t have a full-time job.

Converted to:

Positive thought: I am growing and improving my life by challenging myself by taking on a part-time job. This may be the most I will ever do as a bipolar person who can only handle a limited amount of stress. This doesn’t make me less than other people, just different. I experience life differently and I am still worthy of being loved, experiencing romantic love, and living a full and happy life. By choosing to work part time I choose to manage my illness, protect myself, and I choose to live a symptom free life without manic or depressive episodes. By living a normal life I am actually able to contribute more to society and I am just as worthwhile as anyone else and I deserve respect. I am financially solvent. By managing my stressors I am also preventing myself from having a manic episode where I might become financially unstable which also helps me to maintain my financial security.

it would be so amazing to be at 149… my goal weight and a “normal BMI” by my birthday.. i really wish i can do this…

this morning i was down to 156. incredible!! i feel like it is impossible and i can’t possibly be that low tomorrow. if i am i will be sooo happy. i would LOVE to be at 149 by my birthday in the end of may. it’s only 7 pounds away… if i could lose even 1 pound a week that would be fine.. I have about 12 weeks or so… If I can stay really focused I might be able to do it… that would be SO awesome!!! :) :) :)

I just have to stay on track and give myself healthy rewards.

I want to keep eating lots of salads and vegetables and keep reading weight loss tips in stumbleupon.

I think they might be dead… not sure… I used to have 4 and now there is only the possibility of one left. I had cantharidin put on it and it blistered up and now there is a big callus there. I can’t really see a wart. It’s hard to tell because sometimes they hide though or come back when you think they are gone. I think it might be completely gone though. I’ve said that before… but this time I think it might be true. It is really worth it to go to the doctor. I’m so glad I made this a priority and worked on it. Putting my health first has been really rewarding

I am only one pound away!!! I started my food journal a month ago at 162 and now I am down to 156!!! I can’t believe how much progress I am making!! The food journal is really helping!

If I can lose one more pound I will be SO STOKED!! :)

I also created a weight loss blog and that has been helping a lot too.

I was trying to make friends with orion but i think i tried too hard and scared him.

sometimes i just go overboard.

anyways i made some dating rules and posted them on my wall. so i am going to follow them from now on, i guess. i don’t know. it’s hard to follow rules and i kind of think rules are stupid. i guess if i like somebody i just jump right in. that’s sort of my personality. if they don’t like me enough to want to jump right in too, then we aren’t right for each other

i guess orion didn’t like me as much as i liked him :(

which is too bad.

dating is hard, frustrating, and can be really hard on your self esteem.

maybe online dating is the way to go.

i don’t know.

i don’t have as many female friends as i’d like either. i talk a lot to one friend but she lives far away. and i have another friend

I am actually getting kind of close to this one… I’m at 158 now and I have been doing a lot of exercise and eating healthy… This might become a reality soon which would be really cool

:)

just gotta stay focused!!!

I don’t want my quest to lose weight to make me forget about other aspects of my life though.

i am down to 158. super happy about it. i am going to bike to yoga class this am. i just want to continue to stay motivated and stay healthy. exercise and diet are key. i am going to continue with my food journal and my diet blog my friend and my mom are doing it too. i just have to stick with it. things come along to derail you but you just have to keep motivated and stay on track. it has to be a priority. it’s hard in this world in america because weight loss is not really a priority here and our lives are geared towards money or living “fast” just cook fast and get on to the next thing, sit on the computer or TV but really you need to be moving around all the time and cook slow and be in tune with your body. the yoga is really helping me slow down and listen to my body.

so I have been using an excel spreadsheet for exactly 1 month to track my weight loss, food consumption and exercise. in that time I have lost 3 pounds!!! If I can keep up this weight loss track I should be at my goal weight (right now I would be happy with 149!) in… just about 3 months… fingers crossed. I shouldn’t be too over-excited but still… pretty awesome. that means I could be at 149 by my birthday!! :) that would be so cool.

plan:

eat more protein.
keep lunch meat snacks in the fridge, yogurt snacks in the fridge.
eat lots of small meals, all that have protein in them.
5-7 small meals each.
exercise all the time.

I hate it when I am trying so hard to lose weight and then I GAIN a pound!!! grrrr!!! I stayed up late on wednesday night because i wanted to go to my regular salsa class so i went with a friend and then he could only go to a later class than i usually go to and i ended up staying up super late… grr… so i was super hungry the next day and had no energy for exercising.

it is just a big reminder that i have to always get to sleep early. and be super dedicated about it.

Who are guys who I could potentially be friends with or closer friends?

John D.
Orion
I’m already friends with Lance, but I don’t want to date him…
I’m already friends with Mike H. but ditto, plus he has a girlfriend and she is awesome, I hope they stay together for the long haul.
I’m friends with Ken and ditto, wouldn’t want to date him AND he has an awesome girlfriend.
who else do i know?
eric from salsa… i don’t even know his phone number and honestly he doesn’t seem super friendly towards me…
maybe mike at the palomar? ok I will be at the palomar tonight, maybe I can try and exchange numbers with some guy there, someone who seems the most like he would be someone I would want to be friends with.
eric, but isn’t very stable.

oh I forgot to mention Dan from rueda. he is super cute and i think he works and seems awesome. i would definitely ask him out… if i had the right moment. maybe i will get a chance. but i would like to be better friends with him. i want to ask him for tea some time. i wish i had asked him on wednesday but someday…

What am I looking for in a guy who is a friend?

-someone who is stable.
-has a job.