Perceptionist

I’m still focused on moving out and keeping a positive mindset. My “team” and I are coordinating our schedules so that we can all be free at one time period. The date is not set, but it will be soon. Also, after having some doubts – I got a text out of the blue from an old flame who I’ve felt very close to in a spiritual sense (I’ve never met her in person, but we have been talking for years now). Now that we are talking again, I’m even more motivated to make the move.

Ok, so last night I came home and she gave me a huge attitude about me being out for so long (including the usual “I was so worried about you, I could not sleep, etc.). As she was complaining, I thought “YOUR the one who’s angry at ME?”. Finally, I let it all out. I asked her how she could say those words to me and try to physically offend me. All of the sudden, she began crying uncontrollably. She must have said she was sorry and that she did not mean to hurt me a million times. I held her and told her that everything was going to be ok. I’ve never seen anyone cry like that in my life. I know she really loves me, and this is going to be very difficult to do, but it has to be done.
I’ve talked to my mom about it, and she’s ready to help me out with everything I need (as always – my mom is awesome). I HAVE to tell her that I’m leaving for sure (and BEFORE the lease is up) within the next couple of days if I’m to leave between the 17th and 20th of this month as planned. The date may be moved though for logistical reasons – we’re just not 100% sure yet.

The girl who claims she loves me took my weaknesses and used them against me to cause me further psychological damage. Then she tried to become physically abusive as well, but I stopped that pretty quickly with self-defensive manouvers. That night, I took out $400 from my bank account and was ready to leave to Florida to start a new life and be close to my parents. I ended up staying because my mom happened to be in town. The funny thing is that as cruel and damaging her intentions were, they actually made me dig deeper into myself – even beyond my psyche to my very level of existance. When I did this, I realized that all this hate that I have been directing towards myself is not justified. Why? Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m GOOD – and I have always known this deep inside. That relity that finally surfaced again after so long made me feel great and empowered! I did have another unexpected bout of depression this morning, but it went away fairly quickly. I went out to dinner with my mom, and I think she’s right – I should move down to Florida even before my lease is up! Why not? I KNOW I need a huge change in my life, and I know I will not be able to trust this girl after that incident ever again – so what do I have to lose? I have to be strong though and keep in this positive mindset. I know she will do everything in her power to keep me here. But I know that the more time I spend here is just suspending my “re-birth” if you will. I have good support from family and friends as well. I think I’m really going to do it this time.