Porter Hall

• Seance on a Wet Afternoon (1964)
• Amadeus (1984)
• Invasions barbares, Les (2003)

• Léon aka The Professional (1994)
• Voyna i mir aka War and Peace (1968)
• Requiem for a Dream (2000)
• Campanadas a medianoche aka Falstaff—not on DVD (1965)
• The War Game (1965)
• The Message (1976)
• Amores perros (2000)
• A Man for All Seasons (1966)
• Vozvrashcheniye (2003)
• Kes (1969)
• The Straight Story (1999)
• This Sporting Life (1963)
• Repulsion (1965)
• Mysterious Skin (2004)
• Punishment Park (1971)
• Henry V (1989)
• Zulu (1964)

Léon aka The Professional (1994)
Voyna i mir aka War and Peace (1968)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Seance on a Wet Afternoon (1964)
Amadeus (1984)
Campanadas a medianoche aka Falstaff—not on DVD (1965)
The War Game (1965)
The Message (1976)
Amores perros (2000)
A Man for All Seasons (1966)
Vozvrashcheniye (2003)
Kes (1969)
The Straight Story (1999)
This Sporting Life (1963)
Repulsion (1965)
Mysterious Skin (2004)
Punishment Park (1971)
Henry V (1989)
Invasions barbares, Les (2003)
Zulu (1964)

So many of the tens of thousands of items in my life have emotional connections to them. I think of this just two days after leaving my late wife’s car at an auto dealership, having traded it in for a yet-to-be-delivered new one.

She got this car before she met me and it became our car. I should have replaced it a long time ago—it had been partially disabled for nine months!

It took me such a long time to let go of it because of all the emotional energy it stored for me. In that way, it was a talisman.

There was no touching good-bye scene at the car lot between me and this little Honda. I cleaned it out, closed the door, and walked away from it. It wasn’t difficult at all. The fear of severing that emotional connection was worse than the act of severing itself.

In most cases, we love not the object, but what it symbolizes in our head. Digital photos can stand in as links to those memories when the object no longer adequately fills its functional purpose in our lives.

from Poor Yorick’s Almanack

Last week, after leaving it alone for several years, I finally pulled the boat up out of the side yard and onto the driveway where I can work on it a little.

My nephew offered to buy it as-is last week. I couldn’t sell it.

And yet, I can’t work on it, either. Since Wendy died, it’s become a symbol of all my dashed hopes. I sill have some hope, though. I want to go out in it, enjoy it. There’s just so much work between here and there. It’s the last thing I have on my list to do today…and here I am writing about doing it rather than doing it.

Sigh. We are moved and checked by forces we don’t understand.

I picked the right time of year to do this.

Spring is here and while it’s not very warm (48 degrees F when I was coming home yesterday), there’s a surplus of light that buoys my spirit.

Yesterday, I started cleaning out my office, throwing and giving stuff away. I’ve also applied for a few jobs this week and made some major headway on a creative project.

I have clear goals ahead of me, and the steps toward those goals are laid out. Still, I do get that voice in my head saying, “I don’t feel like doing that.” It’s the voice of Bartleby the Scrivner.

I just read an article in the current issue of UU World by Tad Waddington called “The Avatar’s Advantage.” He advises people to think of their goals “in mythic terms.” By thinking of yourself as the hero and your goals as the plot of an adventure, you’re less likely to get discouraged by obstacles.

I’m not writing a novel now, but a memoir. It feels like that’s what I need to write now, and one thing I know about writing is to follow where the feeling takes you.

I’ve hit 40,000 words, which is somewhere around 160 pages. I’m still going. Here’s how I’ve gotten as far as I have.

1. Write an SFD. SFD is Anne Lamott’s term for “sh!tty first draft,” from her excellent book on writing, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. The first step to writing anything is to write anything. Turn off that internal censor and produce words. I like to think of it in terms of sculpting: an artist starts with a block of stone and begins to chisel. By creating an SFD, you are giving birth to a block of stone. Ouch! You’ll later chisel (edit and revise) it into something readable.
2. Set a production quota. Big things can get done by doing little bits at a time. Some people go by pages or wordcounts, others go by time. I set 20 minutes a day for writing on my current project, which is an easily attainable goal for even the busiest person. I’ve read that Graham Greene forced himself to write for two hours per day. When his alarm would go off, he’d put the pen down—sometimes even mid-sentence.
3. Try different mediums. Perhaps some of the problems you have writing comes from staring at a blank screen. If so, try dictating into a voice recorder or writing out longhand or write with crayons on butcher paper. How you write will affect what you write. See what works best for you.
4. Log your progress. I worked for a guy who once said, “If it’s not worth measuring, it’s not worth doing.” Many writers have a writing log where they track what, when, and how much the wrote on any given day.
5. Create a rewards system. This advice comes from Write: 10 Days to Overcome Writer’s Block. Period., by Karen E. Peterson, but I’ve read similar concepts in Neil Fiore’sThe Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play. Basically, the idea is that you’re mammal, just like a Orca whale or a Bengal tiger, who can be trained to perform with rewards. By making guilt-free play the reward – such as going to see a movie, making time to read a fun book – we reinforce our eagerness to work while simultaneously restoring our drive.
   

By picking myself up from the canvas, what I mean is that I feel like I’ve given up on myself. Like a boxer who has been knocked down, I’m listening to the referee slowly count to ten. I want to get up and be a brand new boxer. I’m ready to restart my life.

In order to make a big change in your life, you need three things: desire, awareness, and patience.

First, you must want to change. This is different from feeling like you ought to change or wishing you could change. You must be ready to make the commitment not tomorrow, or next week, but today.

Next, make yourself aware of the ways you can sabotage yourself or block your own progress. Be willing to take a deep, hard look at yourself and know where the trouble lies.

Third, be a patient, benevolent parent to yourself. You’ll make mistakes—it’s good to know that in advance. Gently guide yourself back with love and do what you can to set the ideal conditions for your success.

I’ve always known, but only recently understood that fear has been a governing force in my life. By that, I mean that I’ve used fear as a lens to view myself and the world around me.

I came to this understanding while talking to a friend about how I was feeling about something. “What would Love say to that?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” she said, “what you’re describing sounds to me like fear talking. I think fear is the opposite of Love. So, I was wondering, what would Love say to that.”

I was speechless.

Being aware of my fear-as-response tendency, I now have more of a choice in how I look at things. For example, I’m about to go on a vacation. I usually get a little anxious about traveling outside my little bubble and fixate on all the things that can go wrong. Over the years, I’ve learned how to stuff that fear down inside me, but not how to be with it or counter it. Love tells me that I’m going to have a great time and that I’m a strong, smart person who can think on his feet and be prepared for anything.

Thanks, Jen, for giving me this new way of looking.

This is done. Yahoo! I’ve been procrastinating on this for years. Years I say!

Now I need to work on my asset allocation…

That was the real problem. Things were getting left behind, forgotten about, or done poorly.

Over the last year, I’ve been perfecting a process that captures everything I want to manage – ideas, receipts, bills, notes, etc. – into different types of inboxes. Then it’s a matter of processing the inboxes.

For me, having a routine process helps get things done. It’s not as easy or automatic as brushing my teeth, but it helps. The tools that help me do this:

• The Hipster PDA: No, this isn’t a consumer electronics product. It’s a stack of index cards, two binder clips, and a pen. If I want to remember something, it is collected here. Later, the cards are thrown into an inbox to be processed later.
• Google Calendar: It’s secure and I can view it from any online connection and it syncs with my iPod through Thunderbird.
• Wikidot.com: I’ve created my own personal wiki to manage everything in my life. It’s easy to set up, easy to edit, and stores all of my notes.
• Remember the Milk.com: This site manages all of my tasks. It is also secure and viewable from any online connection.

I’m embarrassed that it’s taken me this long to do something that only took a few minutes of my time.

I went to Fidelity and created a roll-over IRA online. They were housing one of my 401ks and simply moved it over. They also gave me instructions on how to transfer my other 401k—basically they mailed me a check addressed to Fidelity and including my new account number.

Fidelity has sent me a packet with an envelope to send to them the check from the other 401k.

Now, I have to build my model portfolio.

Here goes…

October: Ask someone out on a date. It’s been a while for me, and I’m pretty nervous about this one.

November: NaNoWriMo. I’ve started this each of the last two years, but life events intervened and interrupted me.

December: Take a piano lesson. I have always wanted to learn how to play…

So, having given myself plenty of time to grieve, I am now taking these steps to get my life in order:

• Yoga, strength training, and cardio workout. I have been doing these now for two weeks. It is designed to improved basic body function and help ward away depression.
• Meditation. I’ve been meditating for 10 minutes a day. Grief and depression will make you very distracted. This is designed to build back my focus and concentration.
• Meeting with a Career Coach. This is an external stimulus helping me sort through my goals and figure out my next steps. She requires me to show up, do homework, and all of that helps me get back on track.

I’ve tried some different forms of meditation before (counting breaths, for example) and found them frustrating. I felt like I wasn’t doing them right. I couldn’t keep my mind focused. I couldn’t keep from fidgeting.

For the last week, I’ve been meditating for 10 minutes a day and I’ve collected some good advice on it. Here’s what’s been helping me:

• Get Comfortable: We think of sitting on a mat as meditation, but that’s just one approach. Someone told me a few months back that the position of your head is the most important thing in meditation—too far back and you’re thinking or remembering, too far forward and you’re sleeping. Try to keep your eye-level parallel to the ground.
• Take Some Deep Breaths: Take three slow, deep breaths before you begin.
• Use a Timer: This may or may not help you, but if you trust the time to a timer, you will be less likely to think or worry about the time.
• Try Different Types of Meditation: There are moving meditations, sitting meditations, all different types. Don’t feel like you have to do one method. If you find one that works well for you, try sticking to it. I’ve been focusing on a different word each day, repeating it over and over in my mind, drawing myself back to it.
• Don’t Get Discouraged: It’s easy to get distracted. Pull your thoughts back gently and don’t be angry at yourself for getting distracted. Each gentle pull back toward your focus is moving you deeper into your meditation, like rowing on a large lake.

I’ve done this for a week now, and I’m feeling very good about it. I think the idea is to start off with just enough weight so that you’re not really sore on your off days. My plan is to slowly add weight over the coming months.

The big challenge will be maintaining this regimen through all of the distractions and curves that life throws at me. My plan is “Don’t Break the Chain,” a self-motivational plan that has been credited to Jerry Seinfeld.

Basically, if there’s something you want to do every day (for Seinfeld, it’s writing jokes), mark an X on a wall calendar for the day you did it. Over time, you’ll notice a chain of Xs on your calendar. Your job is simple: Don’t break the chain. I wrote more about it in my blog.

I joined a gym today. I have an appointment next for orientation. I think hope that by paying every month and having an outside location I will be more motivated to workout.

I have all sorts of video equipment that my wife had for her business and I kind of know how to use it, but I think I will have more energy for this if I take an editing class.

I found this beginner’s plan at StrongLifts.com. My next steps:

1. Join a gym
2. Start a workout log
3. Start and stick to the plan

Mehdi, author of StrongLifts.com, points out that although there is a temptation to add weight at the beginning of this plan since it starts off so light, one should not do it. Think long term and add weight over time.

I have a whole room in my house filled – yes, filled – with stuff that is going “out,” either to be recycled, donated, or sold.

My next step is to empty that room to make space for more stuff to be sorted out.

I’ve been using iTunes for about eight months now. I have put every CD in my collection into it – more than 12,000 songs – and my iPod goes everywhere with me. I also use it to listen to my favorite radio shows, recorded as podcasts. So far, I have rated more than 10,000 songs in my library.

The key I’ve found to organizing iTunes, though, is to limit working on it for about five minutes a day, every day. I loaded my CDs, five at a time, over the course of several months.

• Use the “recently added” Smart Playlist to make sure the song data is correct and to your liking (I tend to the genres from what the server sends over).
• Create Smart Playlists based on genres, like “new rock,” to play songs that haven’t been played or rated yet
• Use this star rating system:
  1 = problem (incompete, data tags in error, etc.)
  2 = song I don’t like
  3 = song is okay
  4 = song I like
  5 = song I love
• When listening on your iPod, try to rate just the 1-, 4-, and 5-star songs.
• If you hear a song you don’t like, skip it.
• Create a Smart Playlist called “trouble” to pull just the 1-rated songs and fix and rerate those songs. Try to keep this list cleared.
• Create a Smart Playlist called “suspect” and use the “Skip Count” criteria to rate all the songs you passed over without a full listen as 2 stars.
• Create a Smart Playlist called “needs rating” that collects all the played-yet-unrated songs and rate them all as 3 stars.

Why do this? Well, there are songs in my library that I don’t ever want to hear in shuffle mode. There are songs that I want to go to for different moods. Having good data with your music just helps you enjoy your music more. You can use the data to come up with your own top songs, albums, and artist lists. Then you can start giving out some awards.