Prelude30

I received honors all through school. I was in advanced placement classes, in a talented and gifted program and excelled in the arts. However, since I have been out of school I feel as if my brain is slowly deteriorating. My grammar is slipping and I am losing the amount of knowledge I once enjoyed having. I used to be secure with my facts and could pull literary quotes off of the top of my head to use as references during a conversation. This is getting to be more difficult as time goes on.

Until I can return to college (and even after I go back to college) I plan on teaching myself. Relearning everything I have forgotten, researching topic of interest, etc. I am responsible for my education. I am responsible for being a well spoken and intelligent individual.

I have lived on my own for two years…and I have been very lazy! My laziness didn’t start when I moved out of my mother’s house…it’s always been there…I just had someone to get on my case about it for a little over 18 years. Someone to pick to up where I slacked off.

Now that no one is being nice about my housekeeping habits, I have seen what mess I live in! I’ll let my dirty clothes pile up in my room until it almost reaches the ceiling, I vacuum maybe once a month and I’d rather have a tooth pulled than do dishes.

My roommate is sick of pulling all of the weight around here and I don’t blame her. I’ve been of little to no help. Also, I currently have a sinus infection and chest cold. We both believe it has to do with the amount of crap apartment holds inside. Also, I’m allergic to dust, one might think that would be a good motive to do something…apparently it’s not good enough. I’ll admit it…I have a problem with cleaning and it’s going to change because I’m even getting sick of it (literally).

I started smoking a year and four months ago. In October, I came to terms with something I had been long denying…I was addicted. I noticed that I would purchase another pack of cigarettes every time I was down to my last three. I also took notice of exactly how often I was buying a new pack…which was every day. Sometimes buying two at a time to save on trips to the store. Speaking of saving, I haven’t been able to save hardly any cash (even change) because it all goes toward something that in the long run will only kill me.

One day, I was jogging to catch a bus and by the time I got on…I was gasping for air and my lungs felt like they were on fire! I can hardly walk up the stairs now without feeling slightly out of breath. On top of it, my grandfather as emphysema (so I have seen what tobacco has done to him). To make it worse, I’m asthmatic. Yet, for a very long time I was insistent…I wasn’t addicted.

Finally, I was able to open my eyes to the ugly world of addiction. I hated that in as little as five months after starting, I had gone from two cigarettes a day to a pack a day. I had become so reliant, so in need of that little death stick.

I wanted to understand it…and I did that the only way I know how…through art. I set up a photo shoot with myself as both the photographer and the model. All of the photos are addiction related (anti-smoking). It really hit home after the ten hour shoot. It hit me while browsing through my new photos…the person with the addiction was me. It wasn’t some random Jane Doe…it was me. I saw my addiction through the eyes of an outsider. I hated what I saw.

I, too, have become another nicotine addict…another statistic. Enlightenment doesn’t always “shed light” onto something spiritual or pleasant…it shows you the truth…and the truth isn’t always pretty.