PurDesir

I used to believe in fate. Eight years ago I moved to a small town from a city and I found myself in a very small town. I went to school and I met Johnathan. Back in public school he was very ‘popular’ I never paid much attention to him that year. The next year, I was placed in class with him again and again we never paid much attention to each other, but we managed to exchange emails. The year after that, he was in my class again. This year we started to talk to each other a lot more. I began to grow feelings for him, we sat right beside each other and he was very kind. As you guessed it, in the next year he was in my class again! This year we sat side by side from the begining of the school year to the end. As fate would have it he moved to the house behind mine. WOW! We laughed a lot had a lot of inside jokes, ate candy together, planned to watch a shooting star, got a teacher fired, went to Quebec and our friendship was going great. We spoke to each other on MSN very frequently, I was so sad this year was going to end so soon. I was so attached to the things we did together. I didn’t want this year to end, not to mention I the day school ended was exactly on my birthday. I figured he wouldn’t come to school that day, he’d be too busy skate boarding with his friends or go swimming at the doc because this was in June. So I showed up to class, bright and early and my friends gave me my birthday wishes. I looked everywhere for him in the school yard, but no Johnathan… I was disapointed. By lunch, I was convinced I wouldn’t see him… as I was eating my lunch he walked in and I was so excited, he was here. I quickly went back to my seat, and he walked over to my seat and handed me a boquet of flowers. ‘Happy Birthday’ he said… I was so shocked! I didn’t know what to say. We spoke later on MSN… i was too shy to talk to him in person. My friends didn’t make it much eaiser either. :P Anyways, next year approached, yes you guessed it we were in the same class again! This year was very special though, I went through a lot needless to say I didn’t have a lot of self-esteem. Somehow I ran for student’s council president because Johnathan supported me to…likewise he ran for vice. WOW! Considering it was a popularity contest most of the time, i cannot believe I WON! I thought this would be a lot of fun. It was, but shit happened. My close friend was going to commit suicide. I told him… he didn’t know what to do.. but it was pretty scary stuff, I told a teacher and he basically held my hand through this whole ordeal. We were both scared like crazy. oh yeah, i forgot to mention this year he had a g/f. but thats besides the point. Then came the talent show, we both worked our asses off putting the show together because we were the MC’S. THe night of our show was so magnificient, so mesmerizing and I was captivated. It was a lot of fun i can’t even describe it. After, the show, it was june and graduation! We had such a blast that day… what was odd is that we had a face cake.. or grad pics were on the cake and all the pictures were listed alphabetically… but as fate would have it ours were paired together?! Bizzare eh?... I laughed. We took a lot of pictures and the next day we went to the doc because it was birthday. Always, near by birthday something memorable happens. I was so sad that it had all ended like that. I was sure our fate would have ended there right there….I mean i doubted that we would ever talk to each other in high school. We both had seperate groups of friends… him and me were on different ends of the spectrum both respected though in the school. So i went into highschool the next year… first class Science course I was assigned to be lab partners with him! WOW! HOw bizzare… that was fate, i mean our last names have NOTHINGin common… coicidence? We shared other classes… WE began to talk less and less but none the less we smiled at each other waved and hugged occasionally.. Then next year came… crazy stuff happened..that i’m not even going into.. he didn’t really help me through it… i just felt i could make it because he was there. I didn’t want to bug him.. but i felt secure with him there. Yes, by this time he even found it weird we’d been with each other for soo long… WE joked about it and laughed… we went for a run… it was fun… I’ll never forget what sounds cows really make. ahahah… anyways…next year around i figured ohh… our fate is strong.. w/e i’ve got him.. i was right… I did have him with me for the first semester, then I found out he had to move all the way from the across the country. I was upset. NOt only was i upset he DIDNT TELL ME TO MY FACE HE WAS Leaving… i was upset i found out through friends, whom he doesn’t even speak to. I was crushed, i cried for days… i purposley left my msn on so he would say it… i counted the days till he left.. he left.. i didnt say anything… several weeks later i finally said hey… and he talked back.
Now, i couldn’t get mad at him because its John. But i was let down and disapointed i felt like kicking him. I promised him a yearbook, that i helped design. [I was edidtor that year so i was very busy so i didn’t spend all my time crying lol] the theme really suited him and me. I still haven given it to him yet.. i want to give it to him personally.. he told me to drop it off at his moms, since she lives right next to me.. but no.. its not personal enough. I hope hes not upset.
THis year is my last high school year, we are both seniors now. I walked in the school doors and I didn’t see him sitting at the benches. Its hard to grasp that concept that hes left. WHen you have someone with you since you were little [9 years old] its really hard to let go. Till now i long for this fate to return. Maybe… just maybe… we’ll be together some day. [Well don’t get me wrong i dont ‘like’ him more than a friend. Hes my best friend. A very close, yet far friend. Even when i am with him i feel a great distant. BUt in our hearts i can feel the rhythm of intimacy, love and a great friendship. NOw that hes gone I dont know if fate exists anymore. I miss him a lot.

I am begining to find defending myself is quite provocative. I don’t like being stepped on at all so I will fight back as hard as I will to fight for my pride and dignity although thats really irrelevent… I think in the end I feel guilty for standing up for myself. How do you guys do it without comming across aggressive or mean or bitchy?

I made a big mistake today, but I think its quite relevant to the succeeding in my french class. Today was the first day of school and I got into an argument with my french teacher. She told me to go to the office to get my time table changed if I wasn’t going to speak french to her. I said “FINE, I was just thinking about that” and I laughed…