Raiveran

I had my garage sale after an agonizing summer of having that shit all over my personal living space. My best friend’s gf showed up to keep me company; thank god. And the crap that didn’t sell went to the nieghbour (though I still feel really bad about giving her dog one of my favourite stuffed toys after I promised it it would go to a nicer home :( ), the rest fit neatly in the car and went to the Salvation Army. Nathan was helping me clean my kitchen, which my anxiety was, stupidly, preventing me from doing, and I borrowed the car and took my shit, huge monitor to be recycled, and took in the Queen bedframe he didn’t want and which the nice man assured me he had a spare wheel for.

I got some shit out of my dining room, and feel less like a slug of a failure. Now I just have to mend one of hte knapsacks so it’s worth giving away and sort some shit to go to the SA and take it down. Still trying to let go of some of Dad’s stuff. For christ’s sake, it’s lamely hard.

But don’t be misled; I’ve gotten rid of so much stuff I didn’t even think about. I’ve gone through everything and weeded down, and it feels so good because guiolt about possessions largely comes from your inability to make a firm decision about them. Since I’m moving that’s a great excuse to whittle my things down to a more understandable, memorable and dealable level. I’ve gone through everything, and I’ll do it again in 6 months until I have only everything I need and a little of what I want.

My house looks so nice now, by the way.

I cannot textualize how completely mind-numbingly boring it is to have to take down curtains, cut them, and hem them. It seems to only make it more painful because it’s all straight cutting and hems. But just try to plan to do this and see how awful it can be. I want it done so I never have to do it again. Points to me for sorting through a 6 year old pile of fabric and mending, sorting them and having them near the sewing machine so I can address them. The plan? Take a small bit of time with each garment to see if I can fix it or if I want it. I still feel guilty not fixing things I’m giving away, but I want to rush through them to get it done. God, I can’t even think of what it will be like not having this shit around my house.

Haw haw, this is funny. Today is something like the 20th and I’m just getting all the shit out of the room right now. I have no hope in my life for anything, so it’s hard to even believe small things like this will make me happy, but I want to keep doing it.