Reiko17

All my friends graduated this year. Yup, they all went off to college while I’m still here, just starting senior year though I started with everyone else. I made some huge mistakes in my life (hell, I still make mistakes), but I’m doing my hardest to right them. The first step was getting out of my previous high school and transferring. I did pretty well for the first couple of months, but the bad habits started returning after a while. Luckily the year ended before things got too disastrous and I was able to end the year without failing any of my classes.

School’s staring soon… my final year… and I’m a nervous wreck. I need to start looking for colleges, studying for SAT’s, deciding what I want to do with my life, and finally learn to stop bad habits before they strike.

I want to go to college so bad. I want to study writing and psychology and computers… I want to take that next step in my life. I’ve been dreaming of being in college since before I entered high school. Somehow, I became the type who looks forward so much they forget that they are living in the “now”.

I will finish high school year. I will get into a college of my choice. I will make this change.

I have to.

If there’s any reason for me to go away for college and try my damnest to never come back, it’s to get away from my family. God, I can’t stand them. I love them, I do, but most of the time I lock myself in my room to get away from them all (but now that my laptop is being fixed and the only other computer we have is in the living room (where my brother sleeps), and I use it so often, I’m pretty much stuck “outside”.

I haven’t talked to my younger sister (16) for more than a year now since she let her boyfriend hit me and tried to say it was my fault, though I never raised my hand to him (let alone anyone). He made her stop going to school, I confronted him, yada yada, he hit me, she blamed me, and a year later continues to go out with him. Simply, I can’t fucking stand being in the same room as her. Funny how we used to be as close as twins.

My mom is a total hypocrite. She speaks without thinking, contradicts herself constantly, is always whining and complaining about everything, and is the most dramatic person I know (and not in a good way). She drives me insane. She has a real bad attitude. Sure, she buys me most of what I want and spoils me… but personally, most of the time I can’t stand how she acts. Sometimes I think she just doesn’t think. At all. I’m not a patient person, and even if I were I wouldn’t have the patience to deal with her.

My second oldest sister is an idiot. Horrible mom, horrible sister. She spends most of her time either at work or at our house, and I hate it. She tries to act like she’s an adult, and sure, she is, but she sure doesn’t act it.

My older brother… I think he irritates me even more than my mother, at times. He’s 25(?) and he’s STILL here. He had no intention whatsoever of leaving, and makes it a point to mention every day that he’s awaiting the day I leave so he can take my room. He’s a GROWN ASS MAN yet he acts like everyone owes him something. I can’t stand him.

I have two other siblings, and they are alright I suppose. My oldest brother lives in Floride, and I haven’t seen him in almost 2 years (wish I could say the same for the rest of my siblings). My other sister lives a few miles from here, and she’s quite likable (when she’s not being condescending and trying to play the “big sister has all the authority/ I’m right and your wrong” cards). I visit her often. Her, and her adorable 2 year old son who I absolutely dote on and her annoying-as-hell husband who I dream of killing because he’s that irritating. He likes to pretend that he’s above everyone else and that he knows everything. I draw the line when he tries to act like he knows me. You wouldn’t believe how much I hate to be analyzed. I hate it when people try to figure me out, assume things, and find reasons to justify my actions. I hate it.

Everyone in my family loves doing it.

I pretty much keep to myself. Give me a computer and you wont see my face for the longest. I don’t share my problems with people (real people I know, anyway), I barely talk to anyone unless there’s something I HAVE to say or need, I spend most of my time on the comp, reading, or writing (not social hobbies, as you can tell)... hell, I barely leave my room most days! I don’t understand why they can’t leave me alone, too. I value privacy more than I value eating, and in this house (with 3 siblings, my mom, nephew, niece, etc…it’s impossible.

I really need to get out of here. For my own peace of mind, if nothing else.

A’s been my best friend for four, almost five years. We’re polar opposites. She’s a Leo, I’m a Scorpio. She’s perky and ebullient and I’m mellow, if not withdrawn. She’s a flirt and I’m an introvert. She’s the sun, I’m the underside of the moon. She’s attention seeking and I’m much more modest in my desire to be in the spotlight. She’s a talker and I’m barely what anyone could consider a conversationalist (not at all articulate). Her smile is bright-white and mine is off-white. See? Total Opposites.

A… I used to hate her. In elementary school and in middle school. Somehow we ended up tolerating each other, and then we became friends, and then we became best friends (that was 8th grade. It’s 4/5 years later). She… it’s so hard to explain. She’s just so into herself that it drives me crazy. She takes me out on group gatherings because she doesn’t want to go alone and because she hates how antisocial I’ve become, yet at the first sight of a cute boy she completely ditches me. When we hang out… it’s fun. I laugh, she laughs, we talk about things we don’t talk about with anyone else (I feel really comfortable with her, and that’s a lot because I’m not comfortable with anyone, save my mom and closest family members (like 4). And then she opens her mouth and says something stupid and I just want to strangle her. For instance, we were at a rock concert about 2 days ago and some guy found her cute (she’s really small) and protected her from the evil crowd and she never fails to bring up every five seconds how she was protected because she was cute, and then mentioning how I wans’t protected by anyone because I was “tall”. She asked me along on a group date today (to the beach), and when I told her I couldn’t go she whined and said that she didn’t want to take her cousin who was really pretty because a cute guy she liked would be there.

She’s almost as insecure about herself as I am, but she goes about it completely differently than I do. She likes to bring herself up by stepping on people. And I swear she isn’t a cruel person. She really is nice (most times) and funny and stuff… she’s a sweet girl… but her egotistical, conceited nature is what I can’t stand. It’s like… sometimes when I’m with her I feel that she enjoys being next to me because 1) she’s skinner and 2) she’s pretty (now, I don’t consider myself ugly, but A is very pretty. And how the hell do I tell her to stop without stepping on my own pride? I’m not good at conveying emotions, let alone words.

One minute we would be fine… mostly when we are alone. But when others get involved she just… the side of her that I don’t like at all comes up and I can’t stand it. When we were at the beach and she completely ignored me to go flirt with the guys for the majority of the day (her excuse being I didn’t try to talk to them—and she knows I wouldn’t, since I’m not comfortable with people I don’t know, and even ones I do, really) and I was hanging with by guy friend, in the beginning (before the other guys really started paying attention to her) she kept on butting in and interrupting. As soon as they started mooning over her she stopped, and then started again. And it’s like… sometimes I don’t know if she’s doing it just to do it or just because she wants to be involved in everything.

She’s such a difficult person to explain. If I ever ran away from home she would give sneak me in her house. If I needed money, she would give it. If I cried, she would hear me out. Yet, she would also subtly insult me. She would also bring me down and make me feel insignificant. She would also walk over me to get a cute guy. It’s like she can’t stand not ever being in the spotlight… and lately, especially since I’m dealing with so many of my own problems, I don’t know how to deal with her.

What to do?