RosieTheRiveter

Somewhere deep inside my soul I can’t help but ask myself where have I failed, where did things start to go wrong and why is my life a roller coaster of deeply unsatisfying choices? I try so hard. I try to live, I try to understand life. I try to love, I share a lot of myself, yet I have slowly reached a point where I just can’t seem to be able to go on anymore. I hate my life. I hate my neighbourhood, I hate my neighbours, I hate the sound of cars, the smell of cigarette smoke, I hate this stupid city all together and I wish I could just return to a state of tranquility. I feel like shadows have put their hand over my mouth and I can’t produce any more sound. I feel like somebody walking through a desert, walking through a mental hospital and nobody can ever seem to hear me. It would surely take a miracle for me to get back on my feet again. I just want change. Something must happen…have I lived too much too fast? I feel stuck. This house is gonna eat me alive — I hope not.

...four letters, one obsession — I am still trying to figure this one out,feels like there’s quite a long way ahead. Why do we start off with the wrong people, then gradually become overly picky only to end up scared and psychotic, ready to accept almost anyone, just to feel like we have done something with our lives?

Love, love, love — is it real or have we just been brainwashed since childhood? maybe we have bought into a concept, maybe love is really just that..a concept everyone is making such a big deal about. What if I never see him again? What if I go on with my life wondering what could have been if only..? What if he was actually the one or what if I am driving myself crazy over a complete jerk I’ve only met once in my life???!!! What if it’s not even love? What if I don’t know what love is? What if he secretly likes me? What if he secretly thinks about me…? And so what? What now?

You see, this is all very simple — a woman and a man meet. They share several long conversations, a few meals, a few walks and a couple jokes. Then, they part. There is this atmosphere, but no one says anything. She is too scared to be rude and doesn’t wish to create any awkward moments, he just remains silent. A question mark remains…what next?

While I hear people complain about being single and lonely, I finally begin to understand how my heart works. First and foremost, just because you are single doesn’t have to mean you have to get into a relationship to feel complete. The other thing is…you don’t just get into a relationship with anyone because they are single and lonely too, and because that’s just the way society feels more comfortable with.

Honestly, sometimes upon hearing ‘friends’ inquiring about my current love life, I am tempted to think that besides music and music-related goals, my life is empty, that would mean that I am a failure by their standards..but then again, I can gladly say that I couldn’t care less. Maybe it is because I have met him and despite the fact that we are not involved in a romantic relationship, I can see with my very eyes that there are far better men out there and there is no reason for me to settle for less than what I truly deserve, especially after years of chaotic relationships with..just anyone.

People will always talk, when you are single, you should be in a relationship, when you are seeing someone you should make sure it’s ‘official’ and when it’s official, people wonder how you ended up with that person in the first place and tell you how you are too good to be putting up with his nasty habit of leaving socks and pants all over the place, and how you should just leave and get a better man, etc, etc…like the circle never ends…

Honestly I have reached a point in my life where I can say that the reason why I am single now is because I want more from a relationship, I yearn for a connection that is deeper than just emotions.I yearn for a union that would be almost spiritual, something that would make us grow as human beings and souls, it’s no longer about : ‘hey, this guy looks cute, maybe I should get him to ask for my number or something…’

As for what ‘friends’ say..sometimes it’s best not the pick up the phone :)