Sangy

A twist to this want: Paris.

It’s been a whole week and I’ve woken up early everyday – even weekends! Miraculous really. Two more weeks and it shall officially be considered ‘habit’.

I realized yesterday tha I’ve incredibly messed up my chances of pursuing a Bachelor’s Program in my intended field. It’s quite embarassing because I’ve lost a lot of credits in the past two years – time, money and half-assed effort. I’ve lost the good expectations some professors held of me. I’ve lost the easy route to grad school. And now, I’m expected to work my ass off and find a way to convince my faculty that I will really be serious when it comes to my marks… and that I can actually bring my marks up significantly.

I’m not the most confident speaker. I lose my train of thought very easily and quickly. Sometimes, it takes me some time to absorb information and other times, it takes me a millisecond. I don’t have much time to gain thicker skin before presenting my case to an academic advisor. I’m worried that he/she may even make me drop a 6th course, considering my marks are so low. They usually do not reccomend it.

In either case, I am now willing to do anything – anything (legit) at all to support my case. I have wanted this more than anyone I know and I’m at the brink of losing it. I have risked everything by not doing anything at all and it’s incredibly hurtful. It’s a form of self-abuse, actually. And I’m worried as hell because so much is at stake.

When people are at the brink of failing out of university or an intended program, they usually drop out or take a break for a year. I’m not doing that because I want to graduate by 2010 – sometime in 2010. I want to pursue this as a career, after giving it much questioning. I need a bachelor’s degree. I just don’t know how to prove it. I usually let the other person explain things and I go off listening. I’ve hardly fought for what I wanted. Ever.

These kinds of situations do one of two things – it’s take nothing or take all. Either I fight and achieve something or I lose everything I’ve held dear, break down completely and decide again what it is that I want out of life. The latter seems unpleasant – particularly because I know what I want. I want this. I need this.

I just hope it’s not too hard of a fight. But remember self, you are not helpless. You have the capacity to carry yourself through, if nothing at all. That’s why the world emphasizes the importance of being in tune with one self. If I was such in the past, I wouldn’t have found myself in such a mess today. Likewise, either I can make this point of my life one about forming a stronger relationship with my inner self, or I can just let go. Like I said, the latter has not worked for me so why should I keep trusting it?

I don’t. The predictability and familiarity of certain decisions in our lives seem to make us feel more safe than others. After all, life is unpredictable and most of us are in pursuit of making our individual worlds as secure and foreseen as possible. It’s difficult to fathom facing a life that is completely foreign to us – dreams that we have been entirely oblivious to. Personally, I’m a victim of such naive thought. I’m always bound to the more predictable path than the one less taken. I’d like to believe otherwise – and I often do – but when it comes to the nitty gritty, more difficult decisions in life, I am in constant fear of my inadequacies. Picking failure again and again has made me feel more adequate than not, at the exact point of decision-making – because it’s a scary thought to live a life you’ve never lived before. Excellent academic standing, volunteerism, recognition, emotional reciprocity and security… I have not experienced too much of any. So the thought of turning my life around in 2009, or simply within this semester itself, is actually a very scary push forward. And that’s exactly what it is: it’s a push. And it will be difficult, which I fear most. But my intention was to change my life around – a full 180 degrees by January 2010 – and that’s what I want to be spending all of my time working on. Whether it’s a relationship with someone dear to me or it’s studying for a quiz that’s merely 5% of my final grade – I want to be able to practice my wisdom and maturity. Otherwise, they’re all just words placed together, working independently of my self. All they are and have been, in that case, are lies. And anyone who really knows my soul, knows my love and ambition to write. My fascination with words is what I live for. I barely strive for it because it already thrives and executes itself from within me. I can’t write all of these words every now and then and then simply lie to myself. That is not the purpose.

I should say that to myself often: Sangeeta dear, you write and you fail to comply to the words that stream out of your consciousness. You don’t listen to yourself. You prove yourself fool and uninterested. That is not the purpose. You’re supposed to do something for yourself with the words that come together when you write, moreover than having such words do anything for anybody else. So hear your inner self speak.