I have to learn o forgive myself.
For being broken.
For being tired.
For giving up.
For walking away.
For not fighting.
For saying goodbye.
For not saying goodbye sooner.
For letting my guard down.
For loving you.
For being fooled by you.
For promising my kids things I “only” thought we would have.
For letting them down again.
For being lonely.
For not being a good friend.
For being bitter.
For not forgiving you.
For fighting with you.
For allowing this to spiral out of control.
For abusing myself, by allowing myself to live with abuse.
For not being the person I am for fear you would love me less.
For not trusting God.
For not trusting me.
For trusting you.
For not having the time.
For wasting my time.
For all the times I could have called and didn’t.
For being flawed.
For being human.
For being me.
For not having enough will power.
For not being stronger.
For being such a girl about it.
For letting me get my heart broke.
and so so so much more.
I want to learn to live again, without your eyes scanning me in disapproval. I want to learn to walk again, without fear of what tomorrow brings. Each day stepping lightly, tip toeing around your sensitive nature. Waiting for the time bomb that is you to explode. I want to learn that love IS as ever splendid as I imagined, despite your constant actions forcing me to question both myself as well as my beliefs. I want to be the me I u8sed to be. Untainted. (finally) Un-Jded. (after so long) Ready to love again and searching for love. Self esteem high, confidence bouncing from room to room, soaking in the atmosphere like a social butterfly. I want to relax and say without hesitation, “I AM MARRIED”. I want to say this knowing that I am safe. That tomorrow you will love me all the same. Regardless of the drama, bad blood, or any mistake that I as a human am pron to make. I want to love a man that loves unconditionally. I want to be the “REAL WOMAN” you teased that if I were, I would leave you. I know you think you love me, but I wonder if you know what love is? Love is not with held in pride or used as leverage. Love is not situational, nor does it change and fluctuate according to the bank balance. Love is not manipulative, and does not keep score cards. Love is what I gave to you in our vows. It is pure and gentle. It is strong and can withstand the test of time. It is heartfelt and forgiving. Love is not bitter or cold, it comforts you when you cry. It does not hang up for fear of emotions. Love does not profess itself and then retract itself. Love is greater than any material object. Love. My love, is what I wish to take from you now.
I watch from across a world and I see that there is no room for me in your world. I am a passerby and nothing more. I was once a forever, but then my greatest flaw attacked your love like a virus. Damaging its stability and security. Weakening is Stay ability until you’re love crumbled in defeat. But I was to weak to fight my flaw. But you know my love, I don’t think its fair. I was cursed from the very start. For my flaw is your flaw, and yours is mine. I am only human and I make mistakes.
If I had of known it would make a difference, I would have announced so when first we did meet. I would have proudly said, I might forget to call the Dr. and dinner might be late. I might be lazy on a Sunday and stay in my PJ’s all day. I might be turned on by my love for you more often than you’d like. I might say things I shouldn’t but I will always ask for your forgiveness. I might wreck the car and cause the insurance to go up, but if I do instead of punishing me for it. Do you think that you could be thankful I am ok? I might get jealous when I see you staring at some other woman’s breast and when you come home late and have no time for me, I might ask you where you have been. I might forget which meal your mother likes. Or not feel like doing the dishes. I might want to take the kids out to eat, instead of working all day and cooking. I might lay my head on your chest at night when
I’m to asleep to forget you pushed me away. I might want a hug every now and again when you have ignored me all night and day. Im not always at my best and sometimes I’d rather be alone. When you say you don’t love me I’ll believe that you don’t. Im only human and by nature I mess up more than I don’t.
Maybe if I had of addressed it we wouldn’t have come so far. But I forgive you for being the man you are. This man that makes loving him seem shaming and embarrassing. This man that does not want me in all my human form.