Serendipity40

THis is probably the hardest one to fulfill,your heart takes a few beatings and when love does knock on your door, you answer kicking and screaming and unfortunately the poor sucker on the other side of that door, doesn’t know what hit him.

I wish I could erase the heart aches of the past, the let downs, the promises never kept. THe lies that were told, but they rear thier ugly heads when the knock comes. THis time around it’s harder because that knock is in another country and it makes it hard because you ask yourself everyday “What are you thinking?” Love is challenging enough but add distance and it’s volatile, not that I don’t trust this person, because all signs point to a perfect fit, I just don’t have the patience to sit pretty and wait. My notion of love is it’s suppose to be wrapped in a nice little package and easliy accessible, and it’s not for the lack of trying in my own back yard, I have worn those possibilties ragged. I also have my hand on the buzzer of “I’ll dump you before you dump me. For some reason that worked in the past but this time it’s not working. I’ve done all I can to sabotage this but to no avail.

Maybe it wasn’t love before, maybe I don’t really know what it looks like and maybe I should stop trying to make it fit into my “BOX” and let life happen.

When I get back from Tanz. I want to get a TAT that is significant with my trip.

My tatoo will be “Angu Moyo Ni Afrika”

There are so many people to forgive in my life each with it’s own set of circumstances. We can say that we forgive people, we can even write them a letter, but do we really forgive? I forgave my brother for the shitty way he treated me all my life and I wished him well. But the scars of the past are still there and no matter who comes into your life and paints it over with smiles and hugs, in the back of my mind I wish things were diff. I lost my dad 2 years ago, I watched him in his last hours of his life and I held his hand I know he knew I was there. I forgave him for been human and for making the mistakes that I as an adult see my self making. It’s too bad that it is all in hinesight.

Forgiveness is not just a one time thing it is an everyday exercise of the spirit to not be dragged down in to the mud and muck of life.With web technology I am able to see how my brother is, through a business he owns. It is painful to see him and how he is doing.I am proud of him. He has accomplished alot. I only wish I was in his life to tell him that. They say that scars from abuse heal but it is the words that hurt and as much as I have forgiven him, watching him on his web site brings those scars to the surface. Just when I think I have moved on I don’ think I have.

TO my father and brother… IFORGIVE YOU EVERY DAY!

May 2008,

I have come in contact with my brother after 5 years,through FB, there is alot of healing that will have to be done, somethings were cleared up, he was able to say things that he needed to say, I do truly beleive that time is a healer if you allow it. IF he were to have said those things even 2 years after our fight I might have told him where to go, but maturity has it’s rewards. THis will take awhile to gain trust in one another, for now we talk through emails, each one of us writing about our day and what we have done in the last few years, clearly we have lost alot of time, I have missed my neices and nephews growing up. But it’s never too late for the next phase of thier lives.