Shannel

So, we had another blowout. And it seems crazy that we can still fight like this when we are supposed to just be friends now. I decided to accept the fact that we were over and wouldn’t be together in the near future. I was even starting to give up my fantasy of us reconnecting somewhere down the line. (childish hope, I know…) It was going good, I thought. I would talk to him and support him, as always, without accepting some emotional or romantic gratification. I was just happy to still be apart of his life.

But then came the blowout. It came from nowhere, out of nothing. It was all a misunderstanding on his part, but he said vile, arrogant things to me on my voicemail. And as I listened to them (over and over again), I finally realized what I had gotten myself into. It shocked me that the only real thing that surprised me was his arrogance. Somehow, I had never noticed that before. I was used to his degrading remarks, calling me names, telling me I’m ugly. That didn’t hurt that much, but the arrogance was the thing that made me realize that he wasn’t who I thought he was. I had always let him convince me that the horrible things he said were a reaction to something I had done or he thought I meant. And the apologies were enough. But this time is different, I think. I can’t say for sure that I’m done with him, because that would be stupid. I’ve obviously been stupid enough to forget these things before. But I haven’t talked to him in over a week (a long time for me) and I have no overwhelming desire to do so (which is usual). All I have to do is think of what he said and I don’t want to have anything to do with him.

I guess this mysterious blowout was for the best. Maybe I can soon add this to my “done” list.

Wish me luck…

So, he moved to Virginia. He got a job, one that will be very beneficial to his future, and with any luck, beneficial to me in getting over him. We still talk a lot and I’m trying the friend thing, but I’m still not over him. I keep thinking that I want to meet someone else, but when I think of my ideal guy, all the qualities are those that I loved in him. And it’s not even just because I want him, but because those are the qualities that being with him showed me I want. He’s perfect in so many ways, yet poison in so many others. If only he could change, but that’s like asking for the impossible. Hopefully the impossibility of us getting back together because of his move will eventually make me get over him.

We’ll see…

I got a job in a law office as a legal secretary, just like I wanted! The best part was something that I didn’t even expect. When they found out I was getting to graduate with a paralegal degree, they offered me more than I asked for and made me a “paralegal-in-training” with the promise of a paralegal position once I graduate! That’s great and all, but it means that I can’t move to Columbus like I wanted for another 2 years. By then, I’ll have the experience to get just about any position I want!

It seems great, but I don’t really like some of the people that I work with. But then again, its about my progression my career, so if that means I have to work with people I dont’ like, I can handle it. I just keep counting down to the time I can actually start the life I want. Until then, I’m just working towards it.