ShellyTeri

Well summer over & I didn’t do this one! It rolls over to next year :)

This is a combination of three entries in another goal I’m now moving into this one as it seems to fit better here. So this first entry is a bit long.

Basically I must lose the obsessional behaviour, the anxious need for reassurance, the fear of loss, the need to clarify, all of it. It leads to more worries and anxieties and I feel dreadful. No more. This is the moment it changes. And I am tracking this for at least a month.

First few days though – not great. Last week got stressed over something silly (felt like I’d seemed too critical & then was hurt & probably over sensitive when trying to sort it out) which then escalated & got similarly stressed at something else (similar- felt like I’d been too critical) & then later upset (more from trying to explain why I am so sensitive to any hint of rejection & not being liked). All not good. Each conversation is hard because my OCD needs it to go perfectly & if something isn’t said in the perfect way I have to almost restart the conversation. Exhausting. The only positive to come out of it I think is that I can see a pattern to these feelings & behaviour & can see where I’ve felt the same (but less extreme) in the past. The key issue seems to be I judge & am very critical of myself – it’s such a cliche but I really do need to learn to love myself. Until I do I can’t believe really that anyone could know the real me & still like me – apart from Peter & I sometimes even fear that won’t last. He is such a good person I feel more secure there than anywhere but even that can sometimes feel at risk to me. My OCD and other issues sometimes make me act so strange sometimes – so fixated on certain points. I don’t know how to love myself though. I am so tearful & emotional all the time.

Over the weekend I had swirling thoughts, resolutions, strategies & fears. All annoying, frustrating, depressing etc. But I did start calming my mind eventually & did start giving myself “silent space” when I found myself over thinking things and anxiously planning for the week ahead. Started to think that if time is circular & we have been here before then maybe we need to give room to our higher self to control things rather than trying to control with our mind. Started today with this in mind. Had some wobbles I have to say. My OCD makes me restate things time & again & seek out the perfect reply in response to everything I say. It’s exhausting. I have to go to the doctors about this I think. But…there was slightly more calm in general. Very slight. Really needs improving. There were too many moments when I lost the calm and needed the clarification etc but … I’m holding onto the slightly improved calm – I have to. I will build on it tomorrow.

I haven’t drunk now for 5 months. I am so happy that I have been able to do this. But it hasn’t been a magic potion. The issues/anxieties/depression that led me to drinking (& other issues/anxieties/depression that are a result of drinking) are still there. I just deal with them in a different way now, and it still isn’t easy. I read lots of books on the nature of self & the mind to try to understand more, I paint, I try to focus on the now, I run, I think about everything I’m grateful for & try to turn away from the obsessive thoughts. Basically I am contantly searching for the peace of mind I wrongly thought alcohol could give me (it couldn’t give me that & it took what little I had away). I’ve gone past the stage where I associate alcohol with fun things & miss it in that way. It now seems more than this. I now realise that alcohol was part of my search for something else and without alcohol I’m still searching. But … I’m happy I’m not choosing a quick fix “solution” that is in fact not a solution. I think perhaps alcohol takes us away from our real task in life which is to think about who we are, what our values are and to live them. Alcohol is easier but we are better than that and don’t need to take that easy road. So I’m soldiering on up the hard road knowing that it is the right one to be taking.