Shinx

So I am going with the Lindo… I think I am being led by God so I am seeing where he is taking it… more progress to follow I hope!

:-)

Umm, to update… I am 23 and not even close to getting married (which was my previous entry for this goal… a bit ambitious if not slightly immature on my part!). I still want to be married young, but I think I need to achieve something more in my life before I settle down to the kids part. I think the new goal is married by 26… 27. It’s a goal that keeps changing. On my last entry someone commented that my goal was awful and sad… maybe it is to some people, but I have wanted to be a mother and a wife for as long as I can remember. Don’t get me wrong I want to achieve other things in life, tons of things, and I don’t want to get married to validate myself or my life or to fix things or anything but I really want to have a family of my own some day!

At least all this time is enabling me to work out what kind of person I want to be tied to for the rest of my life! And I have learnt big time from my mum… DO NOT get married because you are lonely and settle for anyone who persists enough… it only leads to stress and huge bouts of unhappiness.

Woah! I have just read the last entry, all those feelings came back but at least I can be more detached. To update the friend who left me went on to be a good friend and I am now helping her through her first heart break. We lived together for two years in uni and few years in London. She has now come to live in London and I see her practically every week, if not more.

I’m still not as honest as I want to be. I still think I am under appreciated by most of my friends….

Tots, Lori and Ellie met up (one of many times to which I wasn’t invited) and booked a holiday together. They then chickened out on telling me and didn’t get in contact to see how I was for about 4 months after they came back. The excuses where pathetic, and then Tots tried to make me feel like I was making a big fuss over nothing. I was really hurt, angry and pissed off and they all tried to make me feel like my feelings didn’t matter, and that I shouldn’t make such a fuss.

Now I’m not sure if I should have been as upset as I was. It was a combination of things and the holiday was the last straw, but Laura and the square four (or whatever they call themselves) are always meeting up and I rarely get an invite. That pisses me off about them too but I suppose they aren’t my close close buddies (which is strange since I lived with them for 2 years and next to them for another year…) and Lori etc I have known since school. I guess I should be more honest and let both sets and future people know when they do things to upset me. It all comes down to that ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings’ but mostly it’s that I’m too scared of confrontation or that they will leave me and decide I’m not worth the trouble. But that is hardly a basis for a good friendship!

I asked God to show me who to put in my life… he put some strange people into the mix (Athia, Tanashae, Fiona, Chris Candon) and kept out the Lori lot and the Uni lot, including wifey. I have been trying to follow this and some of it has been easy… Fiona. Some of it has been really hard… keeping out Lori etc. and some has been a non-started… Athia, Tanashae. I don’t really know what to do.

My mum also had a talk with me and said that the Friend’s friends idea that I had didn’t really exist. I think it does because I had it before I just wasn’t being myself and so they didn’t fulfil my needs in friends. I am now able to be myself more with Abi and Laura, and that is good as they are close friends who appreciate me.

I do wish we had a wider group though. For more entertainment, more reliability, more safety. And yes so I look better!

I don’t know if the friends base is possible.. I hope so. I’m going out with Laura and Iain tomorrow and I will pray that if he and his friends are a good thing for us that he will stop Iain being so pervy and inappropriate and make us be good friends. What I do need to do is be myself and be honest about how I feel.

Let’s not even mention S9 and his games… that’s for another day!

I shall keep plodding on!