SirDanielSan

At least.. But probably I should continue after that for the rest of my days. I realized I was in a place, a sad place. I am in a place I do not want to stay anymore because I want to live and be happy.

I had sent an email to my now distant wife, I met her online six years ago and I was the one ‘blinded by love’ who moved away to new england from the northwest. Well, now after she quit the bond, I did the best I could, immediately gave her all my pay coming $4000 roughly, and left for a planned 30 day break away from it all.
We are counseling 1 on 1 with the same counselor different times of the week. Mine by phone remotely. (do I call her ex now?.. naw.. the judge will do that. Then after that I will never utter those words ex-wife.. NEVER) Not long after my old mate told me that basicly the counselor wanted a 1-2 year separation. And then she said, without intimacy… ouch. It had already been very little love.

But.. I could spend toooooo long on details, I think although I tried, I must reach my final stage of acceptance. The email I got tonight was 1 line. I had sent several detailed letters attempting to get through to the whole picture.

It has been 2 weeks of actually feeling death. owwww. pain. owwww. owwww. I have been blessed in life even with a pretty big family compared to most at mid 30’s I have never even lost anyone to real death. So this divorce is sorta a double whammy. hurts so bad.

But I realized after no calls.. no emails.. when there was phone conversation.. as I tried to find solutions to things… in the end, I was told I was fighting.. gosh the pain. well.. I realized that I have to change sooooo bad.
The article I read is at; http://www.divorcetransitions.com/articles/grief.htm I hope it will also come in handy for others.

I think I am down to depression because I relate to a few steps already happening. I know because I was doing the barter step 3 and 4 days ago believing I will just get a new mate and all will work out fine. But then things got really bad on Wednesday… and we talked on the phone for only a little bit.. in the end I failed. I guess I don’t work for her.

So I really am hurting and I don’t know what to do, so even though my Dad is NOT! like into this kind of trauma he and my step-mom have been helping me soo much. I feel loss I just can’t explain. My two babies are with her also, 3000 miles away!

So I started talking to dad and he mentioned steps of grief. ANd there were articles on the web. He emailed me one later.

I need help. And I don’t know where to start.
So I start with the fact that I just cannot talk to her anymore until I am well. I mean as far as the kids go and such we will be around our kids for life so nice we will be.

But other than that… pain. PAIN THE WILL GO!! I WANT TO START THE HEALING PROCESS.

And so for the first time in my life I am going to face this PAIN!!! PAIN!!! that has lingered in my soul, my heart, my mind for 30+ years. I did not have a mother to hold, or hold me, without going into words too long to cound, it did not exist.. and now the wife I applied as my mother as well is gone. I want to stand and face this and it will not rule me inside anymore. NO MORE! NO MORE! I DECLARE TODAY!! I RULE YOU PAIN!!!

Being 4 when my parents divorced I lost something holy…
I never wanted it for my two so I feel pain and guilt there…

But I need help knowing what to do..

Is it totally about reading??
Cause I better if that is it.

It pry also is about getting away from it..
Like after the last brief and also unpassionate emails.. I started to reply but thank goodness I closed my browser.
I just said to myself, this is hurting me….!!!!! this does not feel good!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And I will I start to feel better when I stop letting this situation control me????

I don’t know!!! I never had parents!!!
The answer has to be yes, because everything is opposite in the universe right????
So it stands to reason, no communicating with her I will feel better. Nough said bout that I guess.

I need to heal. I am starting to read a magazine about bodies and stuff called prevention.. I need to learn how to take care of myself cause no there is 0 to take care of me.

And I am planning to get off paxil and onto something more helpful, I gained 100 pounds.

Then I need to read alot more stuff and journal I guess.

It said to journal till I feel done..

I am feeling a little better..

The 5th step is acceptance.. I know acceptance will bring peace.

We tried. We really did.. No because the first chapter of life can never be changed. BECAUSE IT CANT BE CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT SELF??? you cannot change it!!!!!!

So embrace the future, today. Live for God, Joy, Peace, Love, Harmony, togetherness now. k?

I just started to enjoy 43things today, I was looking at all the new modern websites and this was really neat and new.
Only about 3 weeks ago I started writing more of all things.. it is fun actually, it is for technical products.

Sorry this ones not that kind of technical.. another kind.

My wife and I have had problems since day 1. I pushed her up against a door on my honeymoon after we packed to head home, Not extremely hard but..all the same. I will never understand why, why would I destroy something 3 days after I wed? I KNOW why, but I still had a choice. My parents (step-father/mom) destroyed me as a child..I was very young, 4/5-10 I left at 12.

But I STILL at that very day, 3 days after my marriage, I could have said NO, don’t break it, don’t kill this relationship, cherish her. Love her forever, she is yours, keep her and protect her.

(childhood thing.. well I could go into what happened at 5 with shock-sticks etc. but I am seeing beyond that.. all of us I hear have really bad stuff happen to us, and I need to learn to help others instead of needing to be helped all the time.)

Beyond control I guess I make everything about me, so bad she is divorcing me. We have been arguing for 6 weeks and there is no excuse for me at 35, I am born-again.. but I guess now.. I REALLY need to be born again. I have decided to be made new. And I really want it. SO I thought by sharing, I would defeat my shame openly.. the bible says the things in darkness only kill and destroy.. I was so ashamed.. I hid all the problems I had the best I could, but because I hid them AFTER repeating them day after day.. life would not sprout. I am sorry to humanity and to my Wife I have told in every way I know how, I beg for mercy but I guess there is no time left.

If this helps one person eternaly, I would be blessed. If you are treating someone bad, trust me, stop, or it WILL end. I don’t want it to end for you if it can be saved, cause I can tell you, you will not like it. It will rip your heart out.. so don’t rip anyone else’s heart out. I PUBLICLY DECLARE I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON. I will NOT let this happen again at any cost.
Because of what I did as a MAN a FATHER, now my 5 year and 1 year old will suffer the loss of their parents together.

I pack in the morning.. I am going 3000 miles to the west coast to regroup. I guess a month, I don’t think there is a given path here. I will regroup as fast as I can with enough money for an apartment and try to be a good person. I would do anything to save the marriage, but I guess at this point, I would have to be FIXED. So you accept that I guess, and if she waits for me then I will be there. But I think that is not the point here.

I was actually saying “I did not see it coming!”. Bull crap, you did the work! So I am not allowing myself to Say that anymore when I think it.. .. Yes you did see it coming! And I CHOSE not to change and try 1000X more over 6 years.

I don’t want this to ever happen to another human being again. And I guess… I am saying. By expressing myself is such a raw public way like this, openly telling the world what I have done, It is the least I can do to correct a very big wrong done to somebody. I think that men SHOULD say something if they are going to behave like animals. So… I will take the lead. Will you join me? I think it will heal me, this is step 2 for me.
Step 1. was friday, it is sorta complex, and brutally honest sadly. The darkness I talked about.. I entered into sexual addiction at the age of 13 I think. And the addiction was off and on over 20+ years! I hated it, but it controlled me..in the last years online pornography.. a very wicked place for a man trying to live an opposite life.

Friday. It was something I had to do to fix myself. I had tried so many thousands of times to win over the addiction in the past and I always failed again. But I cant express in words why I know I have beat it now. But I do know I let God help me. I prayed what to do as I always had, help me! Please! I feel I then had the thought, led by God, to search the web for a better porn-filter, one I could not turn off at will or circumvent. Netmop.com, and also even if I was tempted I would be blocked.

It was the very thing destroying me and as a result, my marriage. But who could I tell? Nobody really goes around confessing THIS sin! But hiding it was killing me! 20 years proved it! Tell your wife!?! Yeah.. uh Crazy!! But when there is not another option then .. I guess I made the right choice right? Maybe I blew it.. damn.. but I knew I needed fixed and I had to reveal the sin to do that cause sin undealt with and recuring causes death to all things ESSPECIALLY sexual sin. And I wanted to save my marriage at all cost.

So I obeyed and I confessed to my wife and a couple friends what I had done and to please forgive me. I know I will never view it again. I know I am healed after 20 years the day came at last!

I started to change in really big ways after about 3 years, I grew so tired of fighting. But I had done so much damage to her emotionaly the roles started to switch.. And now at 6 years I feel and know what she felt then.. crushed down deep deep deep.

This message is raw with honesty sad to say, I wish I had started to help heal our intimacy 8 weeks ago, at least. But a whirlwhind started in my life, I could not get out of. But really in many ways the enemy was the monster I created. I tried with all my heart mind and sould to create a profitable ecommerce store.. only made it to 700,000 is Net sales the 5th year. I can’t even stand the word ecommerce anymore. As the company came crashing down I agonized what to do.. I did not rush into it but then I made a wrong choice totally against my wife and her wishes.. I thought I could save it by renting a local shop and doing both online and walk-in. That cost me an additional $10,000 in debt, and 3 months ago against everything inside me, I filed bankruptcy, I feel ashamed, but It got bigger than me and anyway.. it bankrupted both of us financially. Not good. Now I really pissed her off.

Then my church asked me to leave. I won’t go there, but God can heal all things, the wound is raw there. The pain was beyond words. All I know is the Lord came to heal the sick, and I guess some have forgotten that one.

I thought we were going to make it. That is what is so hard to get.. I wanted to live the rest of my life with her. But the worst of all is I have two babies. Life is soo very sad if (I) you choose not to make the right choices. I think for real, I have learned my lesson.. after 35 years. All she ever wanted from me was for me to “be nice”.

Living after divorce.. hmm I will. I WILL! As millions have lived before me on Earth, my boys are the love of my life, I have never known love more pure than for my children. I think even more for me personally because I was the 2nd part of a decision process to end the loves of 2 babies in the womb as a teenager. What a fool. What a different person that was eh? And to see my babies I have now, the beauty the hold
I will no longer hide my sins, my shame that had me in chains, the lust of my flesh that ruined my life.

There is nothing more about me to hide. I am in the light.

I hope in faith by being in the light as the days turn into weeks and months I will become a new man. I wait for you babe.

But I think I understand you, I need to do it alone now. And I want to do it for me now. I want to live and not be dead to sin. Such a bitter sweet victory though.. I won something and lost something in just 2 days.

Pray for me all, I am going to enroll in onlinepurity.com
And get off stimulants, i got on them because of some comments about me triggered old patterns but.. Beyond that just day by day. And I think a really good point for trying to tell others. I broke the generational curse. I feel good about that. My boys will not have that curse. amen. Bless you if your still here.