I dunno which day is it, probably 4th or 5th, but I’d like to do this again.
I tried to go to a therapist, it didn’t help me at all. She just talked I should like myself the way I am, that life is about being spontanous and that I shouldn’t wish for things I can’t have. I got my weight again, now I lost it again… this weight-bouncing wasn’t good, but now I learned what to eat.
The naked flesh is tempting, the part of me wants to do all the things young people do, but I quickly grow tired of it. And last night, I had nightmares related to my problems again. And now I know… I’m still too fragile and gentle, I still have to grow stronger. For my sake.
Nothing special is going on, just letting you know I didn’t give up. I have no sexual desires whatsoever, but I know I still have problems. I’m focusing on my emotions, feelings and insecurities, not on sex.
It was supposed to be Day 30, but I couldn’t any longer. It just wasn’t stopping and I’m mentally fatigued. I did my best for now.
I’ll try to make it all better and better, I have to be stronger. :)
Today was difficult! I felt urges all day, I’ve seen some things that were tempting and couldn’t simply pass by them. I was lying on the floor, playing video game and for a longer time thinking about turning it off and searching some porn… I was negotiating; I didn’t have to masturbate, just to see a bit… I need it right now, I won’t need it later. Just this once?
But then I said: NO! I don’t need it ever, this is exactly the chance to build a firm attitude! I’m not desperate, I’m not dying, I’m simply addicted. And the key is in realizing that you don’t need it, that it’s all in your head, that you’re in charge! But you have to be brave and start fighting, even though things aren’t under absolute control. :)
So I endured it, of course. I made NO negotiation, what so ever. The feeling keeps returning, but weaker.
Was a bit depressed today, but it was a normal day. Feeling like I’m gonna burst, but I’m slowly breaking the habit. XD
I feel proud of myself.
Feelin’ good. :D My body is really complaining because it’s been almost a month, but I know that’s normal and that it goes away – been there, done that.
But I think I’m a bit more confident and brave.
Was better than I usually am. Exercised more, ate healthier food, didn’t MB… :)
Last night I had a bad sexual dream again. It shook me a bit, but I survived.
Later I had a little party and it was good :D
Really busy with exams and preparations for the party. But I’m not stressed and I’m truly happier. :) Praying for you guys, you can do it!
We had a little early celebration – you see, tomorrow is my birthday. TrueFreedomCall – you were right. Today was really brighter than yesterday. :D
I feel a bit anxious and sad… Wondering what’s going to happen with my life, feeling that woman inside my head.
It’s 22 days without porn, 22 days without the MB. I don’t miss THAT, but I still feel dependable on it. I don’t have many other things.
My libido is weak and I really don’t have erotic thoughts about guys. But I feel strongly emotionally attached to them and at the same time, I wanna be one – a real guy. It’s kinda like this: I don’t care about genitals, or body or abs or anything; But their confident look, their strong smile or hands… Things that are physical, but come from the inside are what attract me. I feel that they’re strong, brave, confident, relaxed, masculine – I wanna be like them! But I dunno how… And I express it by going all gentle.
I just needed to write this, I imagine it will become more clear later.
I started working out a bit, I’m minding what I eat (today was fish day) and trying to build up a good stamina. :) I think I should start training aikido again, too. I really miss it.
EDIT: What I concluded – with every addiction, it’s important to have a strong body and strong willpower; The stronger these two are, the easier it gets.
But also it’s about making a strong personality for keeping the bad habit at bay! For example, I quit drinking sodas or eating bad food many times successfully. And I would successfully forget about it, but then I would eventually start doing it again.
I got reminded how emotionally bruised and wounded I am…
How much I dislike my effeminate nature…
No stressurbation though! Gotta keep going.
And I should talk to somebody.
I’m getting close to 1 month again. :) I won’t fail this time, for sure!
I spent today Christmas day with my family. Yes – today, we are Orthodox. :)
It was nice except that yesterday and today I was a little bit tempted. But I was in a festive mood, I was cleaning the house… So it couldn’t take charge over me. I’m still very confused, but I’m making a slow progress.
I still feel stronger than ever, but I’m in a weak moment. It’s kinda odd and very difficult to explain. You wouldn’t believe me if I tried. :)
Praying for all of you! Let’s become better people. :)
Hello guys, I’m still doing mostly okay. I still don’t have sexual thoughts mostly. Last night I had a dream that I failed and I think I was subconsciously trying to fail again, thinking “What’s the point if I already lost my days” but, somehow, then I remembered that’s not true. And I stopped – it all happened while I was half awake.
Too bad that was my hatsuyume – the first dream I had in a year, but it isn’t all bad really. :) I think I was victorious.
Just singing in one last time this year. It’s day 11. I won’t fail and neither should you – go out and have a great time. Best wishes. :)
I failed yesterday (Made it 21 day), but I started again. Believe me that I don’t take my failures lightly and I know I have to grow stronger and stronger, but I’m not sure how. Still, I have to keep trying.
Today was okay. I wasn’t at home, I went to a place where I volunteer and I was helping a lady who runs it. We really got closer and we talked a little bit, so we agree that my family is kinda crazy and irresponsible. No wonder I’m kinda messed up. :(
Later a girl came and we talked, made some origami and had a lovely time. When we were going home, we stopped by at church to light candles. That was nice. :)
:) Hope I didn’t make you worry. It’s tough and I am busy, I admit. The last 2 days I wanted to sin badly, but somehow I can always reason with myself. Mostly, I have to deal with the depression because urges seem so natural, like they have to be this way. I’m on Day 18, I think. My Day 0 was Nov 28, the day I donated blood.
Today I failed in diet because I was waiting in a line to get some documents for 5 hours and I’ve become very upset how hungry I was at the end.
I learned that I’m very frightened person, very emotionally broken and distrustful of people, especially women. This is a good thing to admit.
Today I took a long walk and I exercised a bit. Today I had some peanuts, a bannana, 2 apples and 1 persimmon. And I’m not hungry at all :)