Violince

I have gotten to the point where I can practice at least two hours a day, an hour a session. I think that it is best to really get used to two hours before proceeding any further.

It’s been since September 2011 when my ex and I broke up mutually. I have come a long way from trying to get him back, but I still at times think of doing ill will to him as a form of revenge. Sometimes at night, lingering thoughts would permeate my system that I would shudder, and it had undoubtedly kept me awake into the wee hours of the morning. Other times, if I do go to sleep from the beginning, I wake up early in the morning and stay up through the day, even when I don’t even take a nap during the day.

It was hard enough to come to the initial breakup in August after I came back from a music festival in Italy. I got over it rather quickly, focusing my energies on other things. Fast-forward three weeks later. He texted me one night that he really wanted me back, and though I had thoughts already set to refuse him, I said yes because I felt that it really was sincere. Two days later, we broke up officially.

All of this is because I really thought we were going to be together. I had a relationship before this, and though this was my second one, I thought that this one was going to last. He and I were so compatible and so close that it was really hard to imagine us being separated at all. But then we had a lot of differences once I analyzed over everything. He really was not compatible in certain ways, but his impact on me had left me devastated. What really hurt me is that in a relationship, there are no promises. I knew this all along, and though I moved slowly in the relationship for anything, I really felt that I could trust him. But in doing so, I was setting myself up for a lot of hurt. Also, there were things that were left unsaid. That what I had wanted to say moments before our real breakup was legitimate and that it was what I had really wanted to share since we had gotten back together.

Although I hurt him in various ways, he hurt me too. In our short 11 months together, there was one time where he brought up the past, and that was at the end of our relationship, in the time leading up to our breakup. By the nature of our conversation that August, it was clear that the end of our relationship was near. But what really hurts is that even though he was nice about the way he said things, what he said really hurt because while it softened the blow in whatever we faced, it was criticizing at the same time, like he would say, “You need to have trust in the Lord.” Now, he is younger than me by four years, but he has no authority to tell his girlfriend what to do. I really dislike being pushed into something that I would prefer to take my own pace at, as everyone is different. And, the fact that whatever he said seemed to negate or overpower what I said or what I thought, that his ways were better. I cannot take that from a young fish.

What’s really maddening is that my now ex-friends have become friends with him after my obvious attempt to get their support after everything really happened for good. At the time that I really needed them the most, they turned their backs on me and went on to befriend him and support his ways of worship.

However, I see some similar patterns my ex had with my brother. Like him, he is spiritually inclined. It’s not that I want to repel him, but the thing with my brother is that it’s just that he imposes himself on me whenever I do something wrong, and whenever that happens, he brings up my ex, reminding me of my bad breakup and drawing conclusions that may or may not have been true. Every tiny mention of him that he brings up certainly does nothing to help me out.

It’s true that I was extremely distraught at the time, but I am still not really over him yet. Tossing and turning at night sometimes is still the norm. There are just so many good memories that feel like a waste. What I am to do with them, I don’t know. Love letters, pictures, various memorabilia are stored in the compartment under the sink, which is where I don’t look often. Since I have asked for the things I gave him back, I felt that it was a good move. I just got to sell the clothing items. But then, since it was sent just after Christmas, he gave me some cocoa mix and a wooden cross necklace that I liked when we were together. These are the most perplexing, but they most likely probably shouldn’t be.

My thoughts about him have lessened, but they still take a heavy toll whenever I do think about him in any way. Please pray for me, as this something that I cannot stay mad at or sad about forever.