SlayneB

wbmsic (Jan. 29)
SlayneB (Feb. 8)
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Narcissa_S
ugogirl (Jan. 28)

Those who attract Aquarians:
Marikit

In AA meetings about this time, Thanksgiving, November, it’s Gratitude month. I’ve always liked this, it’s a nice dependable thing in this changing world. And it’s true. Gratitude for the goodness in my life.

Sobriety’s at the top of my list. I would not have any of the good things in my life (and probably my life itself) if I didn’t get sober back in December of 1994. The more time passes, the more I see it clearly. I see the ravages of people my age (and much younger too) who kept drinking. Many of them are unable to walk, or walk very far, for example. I love to walk and think of the miracle of it, my legs being strong and stable, heart pumping without problem, lungs breathing. So many little miracles make up this sober life.

I always start getting a little emotional this time of year, when my AA anniversary approaches. I’m tearing up even as I write this, and I am not one to cry much. We AAers call it PMS, for Pre Medallion Syndrome, in reference to the medallions we receive on our ‘date’. I just am in awe of the glory of it, really. All the work, faith, sweat, and darned perseverance I put into this thing, even when it just didn’t seem worth it, when so many reasons to drink or drug came up. It was a total transformation of the whiny, self-pitying, terrified little girl I was when I picked up my white chip. I’m glad I had no idea how much work, setbacks, and pain it would cause me to get to where I am today: I don’t know if I could have done this knowing that. Ignorance can be bliss.

So the steps of AA have showed me how to be the person I always wanted to be, but didn’t know how. Someone told me once that the worse thing about growing up in an abusive home is not the abuse. The worse thing is not being taught how to live. I agree. AA has given me the template to have a decent life. (It’s why I don’t blame my deceased parents for the abuse anymore: they weren’t given a template either.) I’m glad I can put a mirror in my face to see what I need to change, and that I can set boundaries today. That I can let decent people love me, and that I can love them back. That I don’t have to put any chemicals between me and Reality. That I have a relationship to a Higher Power. That I can be helpful to others.

So many things I am grateful for. What was a hereditary illness has turned out to be my greatest blessing.

Something is seriously wrong with this woman. She is always berating me, and now it’s in front of other people. One of the other students was stunned: “She really emotionally abuses you.” Patients and their families are appalled, other nurses have noticed. People ask me “Does she always treat you like this?” Well, yes. Maybe I remind her of someone she doesn’t like, I don’t know.

And now I’ve come to realize she’s trying to sabotage me. An example: we can’t go on the floor to deal with the patients until we report in to the nurse in charge of them, and/or review their charts. Both my patients had a nurse I hadn’t heard of before. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I could only find one chart, and did the best I could with that. Then I found out the reason I couldn’t find the nurse: she wasn’t there. She came in three hours late (and looking suspiciously hung over). So I told the teacher this, wasn’t allowed to work with them until she showed, and did the best I could with much less time that the rest of the class. Both patients were bedridden (more on that later) and needed total care. She, naturally, berated me that my work was not done, so badly in front of one patient that he told me he was upset at her treatment of me and he thought I did a great job. This was unsolicited on my part: he just noticed.

Well it hit me today: she knew that nurse wasn’t there! She goes in and does the assignments and talks with the nurses beforehand, and knows them all. She knew that nurse wasn’t there, and deliberately gave me both patients with her, knowing this would slow me down.

And on patient assignments: the other students get to mobile, younger, patients, requiring much less care, which leaves more time for charting. Me? I know they will be in their late 80s and 90s requiring total care. I listen as she gives out the assignments, and this happens again and again. Then she will call me back as we start to head out to work, make some snarky comment that she hopes I’m up to it, as I’m not very competent and I need to be better. Nice way to start the day.

She will tell me she wants me to do different things, I will shift and do what exactly what she asks of me, then she will say oh no that isn’t it at all. When she was on my case about charting, I went home, reviewed everything for 3 hours, came up with a new plan and ideas, and of course in this morning’s berating, I told her how I worked and reviewed, trying to be better, and she just snarled.

And when I make the beds with bedridden patients, I am not allowed to ask for help in turning the patient, no matter how frail or heavy they are. This stuns me, as it is dangerous for the patient and impossible physically for me to do. Other students ask for help all the time, and it’s no problem with her. So I sneak and try to find someone to help me do this, and if she catches me she accuses me of being lazy but I am following the protocol of what we have been taught. I just can’t turn a 85 year old obese patient by myself. Really. I am not lazy, I work nonstop without a water, food, or bathroom break for five hours straight.

But, wait…now she is assigning some of the other students, just one, easy patient. Not two, hard patients like I get. And of course they get all their charting done on time. She showed me one of their charts, as the wonderful way to do it, and guess what…

...it looked a lot like my nasty horrible chart. And today, she, out of the air, never mentioned before, just started on my case to some more charting in the hospital file that was never mentioned before. Just out of thin air, but I should know by osmosis. Because I certainly don’t have enough to do.

So now the other students are received their drug training, actually giving meds, and not me. Oh, no. She tells me my high grades on the classroom tests don’t mean anything (even tho she once again berated me when I got a C+ once, and I promptly pulled my grades up to the top of the class, which, naturally, received not a word of praise). She tells me I’m not fit, or ready to do this. She has a little smug smile when she says this. “I know you really want this.” Well, yeah. Beat me up because I’m knocking myself out to learn how to be a good nurse.

I guess what really gets to me is I could be with the nice cookie baking teacher actually learning something. I could approach her and actually ask her questions, or admit that I am weak in one area without being verbally pulverized. And yeah, one patient would be nice cause I could chart well, take care of the patients well, and actually do things I am supposed to do. I could learn. And I am tired of being abused, but I am always polite, respectful, decent, even when she is at her worse (I suspect she would love a meltdown as a reason to get rid of me: I won’t give her that: thank you AA for teaching me emotional sobriety).

So this is it, my long end of week ramble. I got a nice surprise today tho: I qualify for a grant I didn’t even apply for, for a decent amount of money. A phone call out of the blue said a check was waiting for me to pick up next week. We can get a turkey for Thanksgiving, I can buy a decent blood pressure cuff (my cheap one broke), and I can actually own more than one uniform!

And I’m halfway done with this term. A miracle.

Edit: I was thinking, yes, I am not perfect. But she could correct me without telling how stupid and incompetent I am. She could just say: “This is a better way, try this.” I would implement the changes, really. Why does she always tell me I’m stupid? I passed the test for Mensa, and have an honors degree already, so I just think she’s completely cruel and abusive. I’m not stupid, and to keep telling me I am makes me think she’s emotionally unbalanced. It makes me wonder how many other smart students she’s treated like this who gave up their dream caused they believed her.