Chadwyk M

Yes, I know. Kinda silly putting this here, BUT I need to be more aware. Cause in all honesty there have been some fairly decent girls come across my path, and my dumb ass was too busy not looking to notice. SO, now I am officially putting myself on alert. Next time a girl comes along that I find interesting, I will notice, and pursue. Cause thats also another problem. I don’t pursue. So… time for me to realize… THIS IS something I want. AND THIS IS something I need to keep my eyes open for.

Ok, This song is not for everyone. The video for it is kinda lame. But there is just so much of this that speaks to me and to what I am working against in my own self and my own life. I’ll post the lyrics and then I can explain more.

Everybody Here Is A Cloud by Cloud Cult (I don’t THINK they’re actually a cult. But who knows)

And everybody here is a cloud
And everybody here will evaporate
You came up from the ground
From a million little pieces, have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?

You’ve been spending your time
Thinkin’ about why you think so much
If there ever was a time
Now would be the time to see your time here is limited

Everybody here is a crowd
We all walk around with a million faces
Somebody turn the lights out
There’s so much more to see in the darkest places
In the darkest places
In the darkest places

And everybody here is a cloud
And everybody here will evaporate
You came up off the ground
From a million little pieces, have you found where your place is?

Everybody here is waiting for the next creation
They say oh-oh-oh-oh
Everybody here is waiting for the next creation
They say go-go-go-go

Everybody here is a crowd
We each walk around with a million faces
You came up from the ground
From a million little pieces, have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?

Okay, So As you can tell from the lyrics and from my title for this entry, the primary focus for me is “You’ve been spending your time, Thinking about why you think so much.” And even the next line. “If there was ever a time, now would be the time to see your time here is limited.” This is a realization that I have been against for a long time. My time here is limited. LIMITED. I not a big proponent of limits. I hate them. They are, for all intents and purposes, USELESS! But, and I can’t believe I am about to even TYPE THIS, I am human. (BLEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHH! Gag me!) Yeah Yeah, hate me if you want to but I am not a fan of humans, for the most part. They have their redeeming qualities, but they seem to be few and far between. (I know, I should be saying WE, but give me a break. LONG before I was convincing myself I was a god so I could deal with life I was convincing myself I was an emotionless robot so I could deal with the tyrannical expectations of a military father. {Yes ROBOT! I was like 6 or 8 or younger when this started so robots were the only unfeeling thing I could think of} So back off!) Anyway, its difficult for me to get used to the idea of being limited. IN ANY WAY! But, realizing that time is limited, may not be a bad thing. I have to realize that not everyone is a “big picture” as me. I need to be more “in the moment.” Which, if you ask Jimmy Bohr, my scene study teacher back in NYC, I was NEVER good at. I could never seem to separate my mind from the whole of the play. And its the same for life. I feel like I know the ending so I never really play the part in an individual scene, I always try to maintain the overall image of the character I want to portray. I hope this acting analogy isn’t losing anyone. (Even though it is kinda losing me) And I also realize that my every entry on 43things sort of counts as spending my time thinking about why I think so much. But its not like I passed up an invitation to a party to be sitting here doing this tonight. I didn’t. If there was a party tonight, I was not invited, nor had any knowledge of it. I have been taking every social opportunity presented to me of late, parties and the like. I’m going to become better. I am better.

I WENT TO A PARTY! I can’t believe I didn’t write about this THAT VERY NIGHT! Considering it was kinda life altering for me. (Yeah, yeah, SHUT UP!) YES! A party was life altering. Everyone makes choices everyday, right? And, unless I am the only one, most everyone is on a sort of an autopilot when it comes to decision making. Be it through conventions of culture, practice of politeness, or merely routine, when certain decisions are placed before us, we have a default setting. And, (and I do think that THIS is just a ME thing) most of the time we (ME) say no. No I won’t go there, No I won’t do that, No Thank you, no, no no nonnonono. (And NO, I didn’t see Yes Man and was suddenly moved. =Þ ) Normally when I am asked if I want to go to a party or go out to like bars and the like, my default setting is no. No for any logical reason, I just always feel like I would be imposing in some way. Well, I told that little NO voice inside, and SHUT IT THE HELL UP! A few weeks ago there was this house party for, well a couple reasons, a lot of the Japanese students here were heading home soon, and one Japanese girl who is still here was having a birthday. I decided that, Fuck It! I am not going to see some of these people for a VERY long time, if ever again. Lets hang out one last time. Sooooo, I went to the party. As soon as I got there I had a beer in my hand. (Not exactly by choice. I’m not a beer fan. But it was more a residual acceptance of offers made to me) Though, inexperienced as I am in party settings, I didn’t realize that if you finish one beer and put it down, another will be promptly delivered. =D My friends are so NICE! This one guy, Makoto, seriously, I think his catch phrase that night was “Where’s your beer?” So, in a truly uncharacteristic move, I drank. And drank. ... And I drank some more. This is unusual because, I’m usually the DD. Forever the DD. And I’m okay with that. This night. I wasn’t driving. So I was like, FUUUUUUCK IIIIIT! Give me another! I didn’t drink to the point of vomiting or blackouts, but I was fairly well DRUNK! I think I had like 6-8 beers. And I downed the remains of a bottle of champagne. And I use the word remains very loosely because it was still pretty damn full. And I think I emptied another non-single-serving bottle of something. But that could just be me over doing it. So, now that everyone who is against alcohol is like WTF! Let me explain how a drunken night at a party was life-altering for me. I have an inordinate amount of self-control. I would say too much. I would say inhibited. SEVERELY! This night acted like a giant hammer swung into that antisocial wall. And guess what, There is a crack. I can see the glimmering image of a me that was social and had friends and had fun and LIVED! The guy I was in NYC. The one who would say yes to things. Who was… well just damn better than this me now. So you know what I did with that crack? I took some spackle and… no I’m kidding. I started digging and clawing at it and am currently in the process of getting back to a me I can be happy to be. I stop some of my antisocial behaviors such as facebook cleaning, and treating my phone number like it needs to be a secret. I’m opening myself up. I’m trying to be more social with, well anyone who will have me. =D And of course those people are pretty damn fantastic. I’m making friends! How weird is that? I was beginning to think there was an age that you got to and that ability was just gone. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m also trying to untrain myself to project this “I’m an evil God and you had better not fuck with me” vibe. Cause THAT will be the hard part. I have spent many a years creating that image for myself, and shedding it, isn’t comfortable or easy, but it must be done. I may try to keep a hint of the “evil god” part, but instead of “don’t fuck with me” I think I would rather it be “lets play! =D” Though, I also know that one of the pitfalls of being more social is beginning to care, more and more, what people think. Not necessarily what people think of you, but what people think in general. Their opinions and the like. Which, part of my former persona was like, “Oh how sweet, now piss off. Some of us have real opinions.” I’ve also found myself trying harder to acquire skills to make socializing more, I could say more easy, but I think I like the phrasing of “more lubricated” better. These skills are things I have wanted for a while, as you can see from some of my goals on here, but now I am pursuing them more actively. Like learning piano, guitar, and I have also developed an interest in magic and XCM. I dunno why. I think I clicked a silly banner on facebook one night and I was sucked in. Sue me! Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, drunken party times. You know what else is funny. I spoke more Japanese that night than I have EVER before in my entire life! And, from what I can remember, I wasn’t that bad. =D I think my Japanese was pretty damn good, even if a bit slurred.