Snowdulcinee

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what went wrong with us, it seems like I don’t even remember. Why did we break up so many times? Is it wise to even consider going back to a relationship that I had convinced myself, (for the final time), had truly finally ended. I had put an end to the almost 5year long relationship during mid-December and by January I had moved out of our apartment, quit my job, and moved back to California from Montana. When I saw him for the final time before leaving Montana, he cuddled and hugged me, wanting more from me. While I didn’t resist the cuddle and hugs, because it felt nice to be loved, I did resist his wanting to kiss me because I felt so strongly that I needed to move on. I liked feeling almost in control of the situation because he was loving me and I wasn’t giving my love back to him in return. I wanted him to know that it was going to take more than him wanting to physically love me to make things what I wanted out of the relationship. It seemed so complicated then, and I was convincing myself that I could indeed move on with my life and find love and a relationship that I really wanted and deserved. During my last few weeks in Montana when I had already moved out of our apartment, I stayed with some friends. I slept with one of them twice during that time. It was so wonderful to feel as if I was getting back in the game of dating or whatever that actually was so quickly. It made me feel strong inside for letting a bad relationship come to a complete end and learn how to appreciate another person as a potential mate. Looking back now, without that bit of sex with my friend, I would have been much more likely to want to take it all back with Braden and be back with him again. I needed to feel loved by somebody else in order to move on from my old relationship and it seemed to work.

I did pretty well for the next few weeks which eventually turned into the next few months, but now I feel myself slipping into deep thoughts about what it might be like if Braden and I got together again. I ask myself if that’s what I really want, do I want that relationship again? Was it really bad enough to breakup over in the first place? Would it be better now that some time has passed or will those same issues still be present and just take a few months to resurface again?

We talked on the phone the other night and had our first real conversation. He had been texting me, and wrote that he felt lonely, so I called him and we talked about general stuff, but I ended up asking him …

I know I want to talk about my feelings regarding the relationship, but I just have so much to say about it that I feel overwhelmed and do not know where to begin at the moment. But basically I am beginning to feel that I am developing or just resurfacing feelings for my ex-bf. I am starting to think that we could maybe work things out afterall, even through all of the pain and heartache. I just find myself asking if this is wise. I will write more tomorrow when I have more time in one chunk to devote to expressing my complete feelings.