I'm doing 43 things
When I was 12, I had a best friend (whom I had met when I was 7-8) whom I thought the world of – Hell, they were one of the only people up until that point to really treat me like an equal instead of simply picking on me.
While our friendship never left school grounds (it almost did once in 3rd Grade but I was afraid of getting in trouble with my mother by coming home late so I made a pathetic excuse that I had to watch the FOX 4 Kids Club for “my shows”), it did survive the passage of time and after 4 years or so of not being around one another (I had left that school and been to like 4 others in that time before Junior High at A.J. Wendler). When I saw her again I was nervous at first because I didn’t know if she’d remember me (and I was a bit shy around girls). She did, of course – although it was quite potentially due to Katie Maze having asked my name in HomeEc a few days earlier…anyway, whatever.
For the first few months of High School, we did pretty great, although this guy Eric Taylor got in the way and I felt obligated to hang out with him since he was always hanging around me and whatnot. So, in all honesty I didn’t hang out with her or that group of friends as much as I was wanting to, but I did get some awesome times in of..well, standing, mostly. But I felt like I had been grafted into their circle and I got hugs and all that (a new thing for me to get from non-family, really). However, Eric turned out to be, ehh, well, nevermind that, but ultimately she ended up upset involving me one day when I had stayed inside on a tennis day at P.E. because we were given the option and I took it because, seriously, how often does THAT roll around?
I tried talking to her but she entered the girls’ locker room and then I tried to be the first out the boy’s locker room to try and locate her and talk and get things resolved, but they had let the girls out first and I could not locate her. After that day I went home and was extremely depressed for 2 weeks because she wasn’t talking to me after that day during that period and I felt like I had lost my best friend; incidentally, this was the first time I was ever depressed.
After that period I had become afraid that she would push me away if I tried to talk to her about things and then I would know for a fact that I had been rejected – enter my childhood cowardice. The one interaction I had from her really from that point forward was her friends coming over to my table and asking me for cash because I had a bunch (like $30 – a LOT back then) and each of them got some, and then her friends asked if she could have some too but I was now flat broke – instead I told the other girls to share with her so she could have some because I didn’t want her to think I didn’t like her.
The rest of my life changed course when I lost that group of friends – I begun really hanging out with the school outcasts and was officially considered an outcast myself. I once again was being picked on and had fights picked with me on several occasions simply because of whom I hung out with. Ultimately, everything that has ever happened to me and everyone (except for John Baker) that I met was unintentionally caused by losing her friendship.
I ended up at the same High School as her, but still never worked up the courage to actually talk to her; the few times I saw her in the hallways I felt obligated to look at the floor in a sort of shame for my fear or rejection. I graduated and never saw her again.
I am now 26 and it has been 10 years since I left High School. One of my best friends whom I had met at Bartlett-Begich High recently died (June 25th of this year); we had had a falling out two years prior and while I had been wanting to talk to him again, but felt that I had more time and that I should wait until I have something awesome to offer him partially as an apology for tossing our long friendship to the curb like that (such as a way to get his ideas into video games by me working for one or something). Unfortunately, he died long before I could repair our broken allegiance. Because of that, I realized that I DON’T have all the time in the world, and I swore that I was done with this procrastination BS – from now on if I wanted to do something, I would actually work towards it instead of just huddling in a corner and waiting for it to come to me.
Today (July 17th, 2009), I was on Facebook (or as I call it, Spacebook – because of it and Myspace – or as I call it, Myface – being essentially clones of one another these days), I started looking up people from my past because, well, because I am curious and I like getting back into contact with people that I once knew. It’s nice. However, I was set aback to actually find that THIS time, I found her. She was online. I leisurely checked on Myspace as well – she was there, too.
Now I have a chance to mend the crap that happened back in the past; to repair what has altered such a crapload of my life. Now, I am not saying I don’t enjoy the path my life took – I have become a great person, I hang out with a famous DJ and people who hang out with me one-on-one really enjoy themselves because of my comedic personality. Hell, I’ve hung out with (and got a hug from?) Matt Damon’s brother! (Okay so I’m only mentioning that part to make my sister squirm to hear it, mwahaha); however, I consider her an important person from my past and I would really love nothing better than to be friends with her again – even just simple occasional friends if not best friends once more. I feel that now I can experience both worlds – when before I was afraid that I would have to choose between one or the other.
But I have that same nervous feeling I had in junior high and high school, like I’m afraid of rejection again. It’s obnoxious to feel this way again, and I thought I was over it, but apparently not.
Even so, I know what I must do; this is a test set in front of me and I will work towards the goal I crash landed on 14 years ago. Cross your fingers – here’s to finally making things right.
