Sophiet21

I was split from ex – had been for 18 months – now I am back with him (have been for about 2 months) but it is not a good idea. Kind of only meant to go round for a cup of tea and ended up staying.

Now I need to get away again and its going to cause me heartache again! :-(

He can be abusive too, a mixture of verbal /psychological/emotional abuse, and this has made me love him less. Anyway, I’ve been trying to find a good time to tell him I can’t be with him anymore (stupid as there is never a good time I know but some times are better than other times). Anyway, haven’t managed to do this yet, maybe tonight – I did say maybe last night but then he mentioned sex and I was like oh god I can’t leave now I want sex tonight!

But seriously I do have to leave him and sooner rather than later would be better as I’m getting kind of co-dependent again.

I keep thinking of all the things I should have said to him and haven’t and will never be able to once split up or all the things we should have done together and also how I should have been better in bed for him and haven’t been.

This makes me really sad!

and it is getting me down. I have made a horrible cottage pie which I now have to eat and yesterday I made a horrible cauliflower cheese. It was fine apart from the cheese sauce. I just can’t make cheese sauce. How stupid. It has been successful on odd occasions but not the past few times and I need someone to show me where I’m going wrong. I basically have wasted all the ingredients for a cottage pie and cauliflower cheese by making these rubbish dishes. It really gets me down. I so want to be good at it so I can eat better and also so I can cook for a bf when and if I get one eventually. What man will have me if I can’t cook??! :( I’m not going to give up but I do fear wasting more ingredients and I don’t ant to fail again!

course on Saturday as I am trying to do everything possible to help me gain more confidence. I always expect them to wave a magic wand on these sorts of courses and I’ll be confident instantly but if course that didn’t happen. She was a lovely teacher, really good at delivering the workshop too but I didn’t really learn anything new. I have read lots of self help books such as ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ so I knew practically everything anyway so this workshop really just refreshed my memory. They tell you a lot of stuff in these books and workshops but what I have learnt is that what it really comes down to is just doing something that you fear. That’s it a whole 2 hr workshop, 6 sessions of cbt and self help books to help youy overcome your fears and build confidence can be summarised as JUST DO IT. I have learnt I’m afraid that this is the only way to overcome something. Just do it. So today as hard as it is I have forced myself to make 2 phonecalls in front of my colleague which I hate doing but they went ok and glad I’ve done them. There is another call I could make but I am too scared as I’m not sure what to say on this call. So I feel a bit annoyed that I am afraid to make this one call. If I could make this call that would be every call done for the day. I wish there was a simpler way of overcoming this fear but I know as hard as it is I just have to do it. Somehow. I guess I have made a small step today so shouldn’t worry about not doing the last call. But it does bug me. I’d feel much better if I made the call. Scared of screwing it up and being humiliated/embarassed. I have tried today more than last week though. Oh why can’t there be an easier way??!