Sporadic_Prodigality

This is going to take some creative resources that I don’t have. My walls are made out of the chalkboard material, so I am going to add some drawings of things I like: mangoes, eggplants and my dog for starters. I’m not very creative, so I will try to gather some inspiration over the next week before I begin.

The other half of this project will be throwing away garbage and keeping my clothes in a more scheduled rotation. I am hitting a bottle neck on Fridays which leads to a week full of dirty clothes floating around. I hope this project is done by the end of the week.

What kind of childhood produces an ego so dysfunctional to desire something it rejects once obtained? It’s like I have this thirst for the invitation, the need to be included (or maybe it’s the fear of being rejected) that grows larger every day the hand is not offered. I would not be so disturbed if, once I received the hand, I was contented. This is not the case. Initially, I grab the hand like a child grabs his parent’s after being turned around in an unfamiliar place, only to immediately start criticizing the hand, the collection of hands surrounding mine and finally my own hand for wanting such fleeting company. I think it’s the dishonesty of the group. The hypocrisy bouncing around like bubbles in a champagne glass that really gets to/excommunicates me.

I am not suggesting my own lack of hypocrisy. I just feel since my own is somewhat acknowledged, it is more true or pure. This is probably even more ridiculous because if one knows of their hypocrisy and still drinks up the status quo, it must be 3 mountain peaks greater than a man who is ignorant to his self lies.

Damn. Once again, caught in circle of confusion.

I love this goal. It brings so much happiness into my life and the life of one other random person. The connection created by sharing a comical moment is something like a strong rope of emotion that ties me to this stranger and almost demolishes the wall of the unknown that once separated us. The wall comes crashing down and we bask in each other’s warmth and kindness as we both forget life’s problems and laugh at sin, death and the devil; if only for a short time. It’s almost regrettable having to return to the reality of the next moment. I can see it in their eyes, and we both agree, that suspending this connection would most certainly be in the best interests of the world. However, reality can be a persistent bastard..