SpunkyKook

I haven’t thrown up for one whole week. : D

Things I could care less about that’s important=School, Myself.
Analyzing what I need to focus on is a start..

I want to do something in life. I’m such a freaking idiot when it comes to school. I mean, I can do everything..I could easily get straight A’s if I did my homework or perhaps even studied a little bit.
I really don’t understand why I don’t. For the most part, I just don’t give a shit. There’s a new goal-CARE about important things.
I guess I look back on this year and my freshmen and I was just too busy being with my boyfriend or sleeping or even doing drugs to really care.
I haven’t changed much since last year..I’m not a idiot, but in this aspect..I’m more then just a idiot, I’m a freaking DUMBASS.
Ah well, this is going to change. Tomorrow, I will do all my homework for this school week, or at least the majority of it..

I actually do this now. I listen more and as a result, more people talk to me about things-personal issues..which heh, I’m not sure if this is a good thing for me..or bad. Hearing someone blab on about their problems… Ah well, it’s good to help people right?

My boyfriend and I are such losers heh.
I had a absolute blast today, we were acting like such idiots..chasing each other around outside and everything..acting like we’re little five year olds.
Just need to learn to live a little..even if doing so often is completely idioteque.
Love life, you know?

I have three wonderful, really good friends now.
That’s beyond plenty for me. Woo.

Lately, I’ve been a lot more social..I’m always social when it comes to my boyfriend, Andrew..but other then that, I usually never would go out. Lately though, I’ve been going out at least 2 times a week with people other then him.
It’s amazing, I’m finally developing a actual social life.
I’m even in shock.
I’m so pathetic, heh. : D

Alright..So I threw up yesturday..my grandmother took me out to freaking dinner. She got angry at me for only wanting to order a salad. I ended up ordering a grilled cheese..(I’m a vegetarian)..Super fattening. I ate a little bit. She got irritated, had to eat more.-She knows I have eating ‘problems’ to a extent, not bulimia though..well..I got home, took a shower, just completely freaked..Back to day one.
End of day one at least : D
I just really wasn’t ready for that..

I’m on day 3. It’s been difficult some too a extent, but it’s not too horrific. I’m doing better. It’s only the beginning of day 3, but I’m going to get thru it. I’m so sick of being a failure at achieving this. I’m so freaking sick of being entirely pathetic, being bulimic. It seems so screwed up to me that I actually a problem, even though bulimia is the apitimy of eating disorders. I’m going to do this, no matter what.

Alright..So, I’m taking this a single step on a time.
I didn’t throw up today. I was so freaking tempted once..but, I didn’t- A friend told me how she knows that you do something addicting once, you’ll continue doing it. It such a freaking simple concept, but so incredibly true and even helpful. It’s one of thoes things that has to simply bite you in the buttox before you realize how true it is.
I can overcome bulimia.

Tomorrow..I will,

-Wash all dirty clothes=Done
-Do homework=Done
-Clean room=Done
-Do something social with family=Done

I’m actually being more social. I’m breaking more so away from my boyfriend and well, I am..indeed being quite a bit more social.
I went out tonight with a group of friends.
My good friend, for my 16 is planning to set up a huge party at another friends house, just for me, you know? I really felt great.

We’ve been together for almost 13 months now..That’s insane. I love this guy a lot..but, I want to escape now partially…
I mean, what do you do when you’re still completely in love with someone and they love you just..the whole flare out of his side of the relationship isn’t near as great as your own? The novelty has worn off basically for him, but not so much for me.
It’s rather stupid to even ask such a question..but is something like this that big of a deal or not??

I just don’t want to be with him another few months and me being basically…there, if you know what I mean

I’m feeling decent about myself. I think I’m fat as a walrus, but not as hideous looking as one. I’m not a dumbass, but not another Einstein either..I’m at a happy median with that for the most part.
It works..

At this point, I feel completely frustrated. I’m a weak individual when it comes to this area. Over this weekened, my bestfriend and I went out shopping, we stopped to eat at a pizza place. I was really hungry, but only had one piece at first, then I had one more, and at this point I was stuffed, but this was the first time I’d eaten in a couple days, so I ate one more.
About ten minutes after I was done eating, I went to the bathroom.
Took me forever to get anything up and by the time I did I had made my eyes puffy as hell and my knuckles scared more so then currently. I began shaking also, which very rarely happens.
I came out of the bathroom and it was a small restaurant, but out of the four employees there, all of them stared at me as if I was absolutely insane..
I didn’t really think anyone would really notice, but everyone did..Everyone knew. The woman that worked there didn’t take her eyes off of me the whole time until we left, Staring as if I had a 20 foot beard attached to my head.
My bestfriend, who knew I had eating problems in the past, questioned me..she knew what I did. She was hysterical.

That was seriously one of the worst moments of my life. Until that day, I guess I never realised that it was all that big of a deal. Maybe that’s why I don’t really feel a whole lot of need to overcome it, simply because it’s not that important, right??
It is and I’m going to stop..I’m using a friend’s advice on how to do so. Wish me luck. : )

For the most part, I’ve got this down. Yeah, I’m not letting people control me. I’m still nice as hell though. I still have a bit to work on, but for the most part..I’m doing pretty decent, heh.

Erm, I wasn’t too shabby when I met the people. It wasn’t as many as I thought, except there was a misunderstanding and I really was invited to someone’s house. Yeah, I didn’t actually realize it, I thought they all secretly hated me. Yeah, so I guess I was just really nervous in a lot of ways. I wasn’t too bad though sort of?

Been writing my thoughts a lot now. Been thinking a lot, like more so about my issues rather then other shit.
I’ve been boxing and doing yoga.
Boxing seems to help the most. Beating the crap out of something really makes me feel great..heh.

Heh, I complimented my buddy today on how it looked like she lost weight and how she looked great.
Her face literally lit up like a little kid on Christmas..She apparently lost 20lbs and I was the first one to comment, heh. It made her feel exceptional and I’m glad..she’s a wonderful person-she deserves to feel so.

Everything’s been going absolutely spectaculous. It’s our 11 months this Thrusday. Woo.
How the hell have I put up with him this long? : )