StrongRedHead

Last week I called all but three of my creditors to set up payments. Some of them are even helping me with my interest rates and all my racked up fees. That felt good. I just need to call the other three. I also have almost paid off my UND bill, which means I’ll actually be getting my degree in the mail. That will be nice.

I’ve also been researching grad schools close to home so that I can get my PhD. I’ve also been researching the GRE, I need to get that done.

I have stopped applying for jobs. But I have an interview this week for one. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to move in with my Grandma and look for a job up there. I believe there are more opportunities in that area.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is :)

My local paper has an article in it called ‘I Believe,” in which the writer tells us all what he believes. Whether it’s big or small. So, I think I’m going to tell you what I believe, whether you care or not :)

I believe that parents should play outside with their kids. In the sun. In the rain. In the snow. They should also read to them. From real, live, paper books. They should love them and comfort them whenever they need. Parents should also learn to practice tough love. Sometimes it’s needed.

I believe that H1N1 is Mother Nature’s, God’s, whoever you believe in, way of controlling the population. You may very much disagree, but there has to be a way. It’s the circle of life. Without controlling the population, there are just too many people here. Again, you may believe it or not, but it’s part of what’s destroying our world.

I believe that we are destroying the world, little by little.

I also believe that once we overcome and find a way to cure N1H1, there will just be a new disease. There always will be. We’ve already upped our life expectancy passed what people years ago would ever believe.

I believe that history repeats itself.

I don’t believe the world will end in December 2012, but I do believe something will happen. Something big.

I believe in fixing your differences with your family. Don’t go too long not talking or fixating on being mad about something. You never know what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen. If you haven’t learned that from the movies, why are you watching them :)

However, I also believe you need time to be mad. Don’t overreact. Don’t shut someone out of your life forever. But take time to be mad. Let them know your hurt. As a matter of fact, I believe you should take time to feel all emotions, good and bad. Don’t forget to feel.

I know many will disagree, but these are the things I believe.

Especially sometimes like now.

Someone I trust just told me something that my mom said. Now I know the saying, “What he said she said probably shouldn’t be said.” However, she told me that my mom loves me and Annie to death but can’t handle the stress that we cause anymore. That hurts, in ways I can’t describe. I’ve been feeling more and more hurt and resentful by and at my parents recently and I don’t like it. Stress on them? What about the stress on me?

I hate to be all poor me, but lets look at this. I am VERY grateful to my parents for taking me in and letting me live here rent free. Heck, they even let me eat their food. But let’s not forget, when I have the money I pick up the essentials at work. I pay for the phone bill, which they both use more than me. I do almost all of the housework. I even take care of the stupid dog that my mom just HAD to have. Whatever. And you know what, I’ll throw it out there, I took custody of my three month old niece with a promise from my whole family that they would help. Whatever again.

They’ve been nothing but impatient with her. And spoiling her. Picking her up and giving her what she wants when she’s crying. I don’t need that. Not to mention, lecturing me as if I’m a teenager for reasons I have yet to understand.

Do they REALLY think that I want to be a single mother at 25, working a dead end job and living with my parents? Barely able to take care of my self and be independent? Hell no I don’t. If I knew it wouldn’t hurt Annie as much as it would, I would contemplate letting her father have custody of her. But it would hurt her too much. And it would hurt me.

I’m so broken right now. So hurt. I don’t even know what to think. I’m sick of being treated like a child. I’m sick of living this life. I hate being stuck in this depressed little rut that I’m in.

I want out and I have no idea how to accomplish that. NO IDEA! If I could do it over again, I would change so much. And I hate saying that. Because at 25, I shouldn’t have as many regrets that I do. And I can’t get passed that, though I should be able to. I can’t.

And this new light in my life, whether it be true or not (which it probably is, because I know my mother), helps me NOT be more positive. Actually, it does the exact opposite.

Thanks for letting me gripe for a while. It helped me not break into tears.