Supafly42

Don’t ask how. Every person is different. Sometimes its medicine, sometimes its a special person, intimate or just a mentor, sometimes it is that special thing in life that you get joy from. You can still find it. The trick is not to give up before you do.

two days before Christmas. ever hear of the Death Rattle? It’s not a myth. I love him so much, I miss him so much, and I wish I knew we had so little time. I would have said fuck it to money, convenience, and practicality, and made sure we took all the trips we planned to take, went to see everything we wanted to see together, spent every second more with him that I could have.

I have been at home with my husband now for a week and a half. He is now in the end stages of cancer, under Hospice care, and I am on a 24 hour schedule, medicating and bathing and comforting him while he dies. I sit here all day and watch him die. We were very happy, we had plans, big ones, and goals and hopes for the time we would have together. WELL NOW WHAT???? I found happiness. I found it in a soul mate, a man who gave me strength and knowledge, care and love, who taught me more about the world, about myself even, than I could ever learn on my own. And now he is slipping away from me, barely recognizing friends and family, growing pale and thin, in more pain as each day passes. And I am watching him leave me. Yeah, I did find happiness, and it wasn’t worth a damn.