inner guru

I’m still on track. (yeah) – haven’t missed even one day and closing in on a full year of doing Morning Pages!

It feels fabulous and empowering and triumphant. I’m proud and inspired and thankful to Julia Cameron for insights discovered through the process. I see my gremlins more clearly. I’m more aware of what triggers discipline tantrums that end up preventing creative brilliance – or at least creative openness.

It’s a grounding, yet uplifting ritual that has brought me to my knees and to my tippy-toes.

So, begins the list

1. I know there is controversy about ‘Disney’ and maybe Walt Disney himself. For me that doesn’t even begin to matter. His work, his vision, his ability to pick himself back up after more than one bankruptcy and build teh legacy that he did – deserves my respect.

More than all the fantasy, and enormously inspiring art, are the stories of the ‘underdog’ who wins in the end. My birth mother is a card-carrying fan of all (pre 1980) Disney.

From Walt Disney I learned – never to take off my rose-coloured glasses.

Thank you birth Mother.

I’m now thinking that this issue has been with me for a long time (see ‘Release toxins as balanced karma goal’). And although I am making certain, even impressive, progress – it’s time to kick things up a notch and reach for the next rung on the ladder.

The (emotional) hole in my belly from the abandonment I’ve felt from both my parents, still rages up and out of me – given the right triggers. To clean out the last crumbs I’m gonna take a different approach with my self to heal this issue.

I’m gonna make a list of all the goodness that came from my mother to me – what she taught me; what I’ve learned about myself as a result of all the gunk; how she (honestly) tried to be a ‘good’ mother (when it wasn’t a symphony of guilt, passive-aggressive behaviours, out-right lies, minimalism …); what she did for me …

I don’t exactly know when – only that I hope it will be soon. (What the heck is ‘soon’?) And, once I’ve made the list about the mother I choose (for this incarnation [before I knew what I was signing up for]) I’ll make another list about the mother I’d like next time around.