The Angel of Venice

She’s dating someone else again, which makes conversations a bit tricky, especially when she decides to look into my love life (or lack thereof since she’s taken at the moment). What I said in response to her questions and comments…

No, I’m not dating anyone right now.

No, I’m not looking.

No, I don’t want to look.

No, I don’t have a self-esteem problem.

No, I’m not gay.

No, I’ve never been interested in other men.

No, none of that is it.

What I wanted to say was another matter…

No, I’m not dating anyone, and unless you’re about to tell me your boyfriend is now an ex-boyfriend, I wish you wouldn’t go any further on this line of questioning.

No, I’m not trying to find anyone to date. I’ve found you. You’re busy. I’ll wait.

No, I don’t want to try to find anyone to date. I’ve found you. There’s just been no good time to make a move because your life is so crazy and I don’t want to hurt you by making the wrong move at the wrong time.

You don’t need to pity me. I’m happier alone and hoping for you than you are dating one guy after another. This is real love that I feel. Even from a distance it’s much better than an empty dating relationship that goes on for a few weeks and then leaves you upset and desperate for another high. I’d rather have this 10-minute phone call as friends than any date I’ve ever been on.

No, I don’t have a self-esteem problem. You were just telling me that YOU have a self-esteem problem, which I already knew. That’s why you keep dating a new guy every few weeks. You love yourself enough now to realize relatively quickly that you deserve better than the kind of rubbish they give you. The trick now is to love yourself enough to recognize who’s going to treat you well. Hint: I’ve known you for how many years now, and how many times have I said a harsh word to you, even when you were careless toward me? None. How many times have I remembered your birthday, gone to your shows, called you just to say hello, asked what I can pray for on your behalf? Hundreds.

No, I’m not gay – you know that, for pity’s sake. You always complain that people mistake you for a lesbian – how do you think I feel with you asking me after all these years if I’m gay? I’m waiting for you. That’s why you never see me with other women. You’re the only one I want to see or be seen with.

...a few towns over otherwise I’d have gone to see her for sure. Might be for the best; I’ve been very depressed the last few days and I’m likely not wearing it well. I don’t think I want her to see me like that anymore; she already saw me depressed at work years ago, though the nice thing is that I’m good at faking “mild” rather than moderate or severe depression when I’m at work, so she never knew how bad it got…and as bad as I feel now, it’s nothing like back then.

Anyway I’m going to miss ANOTHER performance of hers because I have to work with an important client tonight…and I’m too broke to do what I ought to do, which is to tell this client “look, I’ve been asking you for this paperwork for eight months, next week is the deadline, and a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part.” Interesting thing is I don’t even mind this kind of baloney except when it keeps me from showing her kindness and support. Everything else in my life can be moved around in a snap, for the most part; I practice music and I push papers in the office, which usually isn’t an emergency thing…but this lady is not just my “crush” (aren’t I a bit old for that?...I suppose not, because I have one!), but she also does stellar performances and I’m tired of missing them.

We haven’t been around each other for a few weeks, mostly because my life got out of hand for a while and I just couldn’t do anything.

I know where she usually spends time on Wednesday nights; it’s a scene I enjoy too so I’ll see if I can make my way there.