TheHeroOfGuittars2

K well i have always been a shy person i mean at first but like after the first hour of meeting someone or what ever id get over it and talk, and like i used to walk around with not a care in the world well usually unless idk i had some problem that was bugging me haha anyways, ever since around grade 9 my relationships with everyone have started to really go bad like when ever im with someone i cant help but wonder what there thinking, i always think there thinking something negative about me when in fact i know there probably not and probably just not even thinking about what there saying to me you know….. not careing at all. Like when ever someone approaches me doesnt matter who it could be someone ive known for a while i get so nervous now… like they will be talking to me and ill try to just not think of anything and think about what there saying but i have all these bad thoughts of what i look like or ill give them the answer they didnt want to here and ill either hurt them or they will insult me. So yeah when ever i speak i constantly think before i speak which really makes me look idk robotic i guess? like you know the one worded answer the yes’s the no’s and what not, and im so scared of looking stuppid because ive been accused of being like retarded by so many people that when ever i speak i make sure it doesnt sound stupid when in fact when i think before i speak it makes me like studder and what i wanted to come out doesnt come out the way i wanted it to… sometimes it doesnt even make sence because i get so nervous that the person thats with me is like wtf? are you talking about what? are you stupid or something uhm and just like sits there wondering about me, well i think they are anyways? im not really sure if people can tell im unbarebly nervous or not, like how couldnt they. Another thing is when ever i go anywhere i think everyone is watching me and judging my every movement i guess because ive been judged alot in the past for what ever reason idk i didnt think i was really doing anything wrong but apparently i was like wtf? man i never judge people just leave me alone. Haha and like im not a bad looking guy not to brag or anything but i know im not it also kinda adds to me anxiety because i cant just blend in with the crowd someone always manages to notice me espeacially girls and when they come up to me i pretty much hold my breath and hope i dont say the wrong thing, most the time there pretty disappointed in what they saw of me you know the robot that says like 2 things or sometimes seems like its turned off or has some kind of malfunction. GOD i just want to be comfortable and be myself im really not a bad person, and im not trying to whine through this whole thing, but its really ruining my life and ive lost SOOO many oppurtunities because of this and my school work is definatly not where it should be because i know im not actually stupid, but yeha theres alot more i could say about this but it would be way to long i think so yeah if theres anyone else that has this problem uhm tell me if you want, because i dont know who has this problem to the exstent that i do it sucks alot id trade it for anything except you know some disease because that would just suck completely haha. Oh and by the way im in grade 11 now so its been going on for quite some time and its so depressing like sometimes i really cant cope because im just to depressed, and yeah i think i have to be perfect and look so good and be like amazing at everything when i know i really dont have to be but i still like try to be anyways, and when i dont get perfect i like criticise my self and it annoys me so much like i know i dont have to be perfect but for some reason i strive for that in everything i do. Like i sk8board 24/7 and i think everyone is judging me and they care if i dont land something or it looks bad when i know they dont and are to caught up in there own lives. So yeah i really really really cant perform to the way i actually can on my sk8board so much worrying it pretty much makes me suck well it doesnt completely but to me i just know i could land something that i didnt land or i could have landed it sooner. I was also wondering if theres anyone with this problem who also sk8boards, because that would be great to see what they have to see or any sport for that matter. Anyways thank you for reading this as i know it was really long peace !