Randy

Well, just because I’ve completed this “thing,” it doesn’t mean I’m done posting here. And it certainly doesn’t mean I’m done losing weight. So I’m here as usual on Tuesday with another update on my progress.

My first week since hitting the century mark has been rather tough, as I’ve bounced up and down (mostly up) for most of the week. But as usual, I’ve found a way to lose from Tuesday to Tuesday, and I’m down another 1.6 pounds. I was hoping to slip below the 200 pound mark, but I guess that will have to wait until September…at least officially.

I really don’t have much to say this week, so I guess I’ll end it here. Back next week with more.

WEIGHT TRACKER 2007
Weight On Jan. 02: 303.2 lbs
Weight On Feb. 06: 275.5 lbs
Weight On Mar. 06: 260.2 lbs
Weight On Apr. 03: 251.2 lbs
Weight On May 01: 240.2 lbs
Weight On June 05: 232.0 lbs
Weight On July 03: 222.2 lbs
Weight On Aug. 07: 209.0 lbs
Weight On Aug. 14: 207.0 lbs
Weight On Aug. 21: 202.6 lbs
Weight On Aug. 28: 201.0 lbs
Weight Lost In ‘07: 102.2 lbs

The dark clouds of last week are mostly behind me. A 16 mile walk on Monday, coupled with a week of staying on track food wise combined to finally push my weight below the number I had been chasing since January 2nd. That’s right, I have now officially lost 100 pounds. It took me exactly 231 days to do it.

But instead of the fanfare and celebration, I really don’t know what’s ahead of me. By next week I should hit an even bigger milestone when I drop below 200 pounds for the first time since I was probably 15. But with this goal accomplished, as I said in the title, Phase Two is complete. Now comes Phase Three.

Phase One was me following my strict numbers. Tracking calories, food, and my exercise routine. It was going as far as I could on my own until my methods stopped working. I lost the first 70 pounds that way…though I was losing the dedication and focus to it by the end, more signs that I needed a change.

Phase Two was bringing in outside assistance, in this case the gym. For two months, I regularly hit the gym, using machines and weights to jump start my weight loss again and knock off the next 30 pounds. Even though I left the gym two weeks ago, this was still Phase Two, with the bike I bought also providing me with an
option I didn’t have in the early stages. The last 10 weeks did exactly what they were designed to do, but not without consequences.

The bike purchase has really been a drag on my finances, both through the actual bike purchase and the maintenance to keep it up and running. My work hours slowing down hasn’t helped this issue either. It’s the reason I couldn’t afford to pay for the gym after my free trial ended.

I’ve also found that the gym and bike have hampered my walking speed a bit. I had built up my walking so much before the gym, but once there, I kind of slacked off on it. Yesterday I couldn’t really kick it into as high of a gear as I would have liked, barely able to maintain a 16 minute mile average. Blisters didn’t help my speed much for the last 3 miles or so. Still, while the speed isn’t quite there, the distance sure is.

Phase Three is the combination of everything I did right in the last 231 days. It’s the focus and determination I had back in January, combined with the stamina and endurance I have now. It’s running harder, biking faster, pushing my body beyond the limits. Or at least that’s how I envision it. I still have somewhere between 20 and 40 pounds to lose, and while that doesn’t sound like much compared to what I’ve already done, I know it’s going to be much harder to get there.

Right now I’m in limbo. I’m not mentally ready for this next level. Last week’s post should make that quite obvious. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy I managed to hit the century mark today. But it’s not over yet…

WEIGHT TRACKER 2007
Weight On Jan. 02: 303.2 lbs
Weight On Feb. 06: 275.5 lbs
Weight On Mar. 06: 260.2 lbs
Weight On Apr. 03: 251.2 lbs
Weight On May 01: 240.2 lbs
Weight On June 05: 232.0 lbs
Weight On July 03: 222.2 lbs
Weight On Aug. 07: 209.0 lbs
Weight On Aug. 14: 207.0 lbs
Weight On Aug. 21: 202.6 lbs
Weight Lost In ‘07: 100.6 lbs

I’ve really begun to lose interest in all of this. Here I am, 96 pounds down, and I really just don’t care anymore. Right now, I still feel like I’ve accomplished nothing.

My times of enjoyment have been few and far between this year. Most of them involve me reverting back to how I used to live, how I used to eat, not concerned with what it might do to me. The whole reason behind losing this weight was to find enjoyment that was missing from my life, but in the pursuit of it I’ve lost what little joy I had before.

I sometimes enjoy the exercise, I’m quite fond of the bike riding, when my bike isn’t in need of another repair (yet another flat in the back tire hit me today). I actually managed to trek across half of Orange County, 19 miles, on Sunday, and 18 miles back on Monday. But still, there’s something missing.

Losing weight for the sake of losing weight was never my goal. I was happy with myself at 300+ pounds. It was always everyone else that seemed to have a problem with me being who I was. And while it didn’t really bother me to be on the outside looking in, the thing that made it difficult was that I was alone out there.

Part of me feels like I’ve betrayed myself and my beliefs by doing this. I sold out to the general population in order to be accepted into their society. But the truth is, I’m still on the outside, and I’m still alone.

Those of you that have found people to accept you for who you are, flaws and all, I envy you. I have never had that experience, in fact I’ve pretty much had the opposite. “You’re great…except for that one thing” could be the story of my life. And even if I managed to finally find some company, I’d always have that morsel of doubt, that question of how she would have felt about me before this change. Unless I invest in a fat suit, I’ll never know the answer.

I thought I could make it through all of this without dwelling on this. But it’s become the focus of my life once again. I’m reminded of why I lost all this weight in the first place, and why I feel like its been a wasted effort so far. At least when I was 300 pounds I wasn’t angry and frustrated half the time. If the weight loss doesn’t get me what I need, what else do I have to do? What else do I have to change in order to get what I need?

For now, I keep going forward, not because it’s bringing me happiness, but because I don’t know what else to do. I’m basically a machine at this point, one that’s on auto-pilot.

Maybe I just need to hit the century mark…but I have a feeling that it won’t change much.

WEIGHT TRACKER 2007
Weight On Jan. 02: 303.2 lbs
Weight On Feb. 06: 275.5 lbs
Weight On Mar. 06: 260.2 lbs
Weight On Apr. 03: 251.2 lbs
Weight On May 01: 240.2 lbs
Weight On June 05: 232.0 lbs
Weight On July 03: 222.2 lbs
Weight On Aug. 07: 209.0 lbs
Weight On Aug. 14: 207.0 lbs
Weight Lost In ‘07: 96.2 lbs