TheOleander

I’ve always had a problem with letting people walk all over me. Now that I’m in the “real world” and out of school, I’m starting to agree, and I’m starting to shape up. (Or get jaded. Whichever?) I’m getting a little more confident and a little more “This is who I am”. Which isn’t to say I’m a “sure of myself” person or anything, but I’m leaps and bounds ahead of where I was in highschool.
While I haven’t totally reached my goal of standing up for myself, I have made progress. Just recently, in fact, my boss hinting that I’m incompetent at my job (Which is ridiculous, he’s never even seen me work, I’m good at what I do, and I don’t understand why people always assume I can’t do things…) and it was just the last straw. I said to his face “I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB” and I defended myself. He hasn’t bothered me since. I was upset at the time with pent up anger which probably gave me more courage than I’d usually have, but I’m still proud of myself. In highschool I’d have NEVER done anything like that. Ever ever ever.

I hate to admit this, because it makes me feel like a terrible, horrible person. But it’s a flaw I have and I really do want to work on it – I talk about people behind their backs.
I don’t talk about people like…saying I hate them or saying they’re ugly or stupid. But if someone is really mean or irritating or something and I hear someone else talking about the same issues then I talk right along.
I have this problem at work A LOT. Sometimes I just have an issue with someone and when I find out other people do too I just can’t help but BURST OUT and start to about about it with them! Which I think is acceptable – to a point. But I know I’m starting to go past that point. I recognize it and I need to stop. I’m even talking about two certain people EVERY DAY NOW with someone. And even those these two people are unkind and annoying and poor at their jobs (I’m doing it again!), I shouldn’t be CONSTANTLY complaining behind their backs but still smiling to their faces. It’s not right. It’s unfair to them and it’s an unattractive trait on me. That’s not the kind of person I want to be, you know?
Tomorrow I’m going to challenge myself: Get through a day of work without talking poorly about anyone, no matter HOW MUCH they irritate me.
I hope to eventually get to a point where if someone annoys me I either SHUT UP AND TAKE IT or TALK TO THEIR FACE ABOUT IT. Because constantly complaining behind their backs does nothing but probably ruin my reputation as a good person.

Well…I just failed 19 (I believe) days in. An online friend claimed to take a bunch of pills so when I got on the line with police (who were fucking useless by the way) I broke down HARD. I was pretty scared.
But I am willing to start over again from the beginning. See, this is why I need to do this. Breaking down DURING an emergency when you’re supposed to be giving crucial info is NOT okay…