I feel grateful for:
I’ve got a load of resentments buzzing around at the moment. I feel like I’m trying really hard to sort my life out and just get things done, but life isn’t really happening for me in return.
However, instead of staying stuck in my pain and misery, I have to ask myself: is this true?
- Life isn’t giving me back enough for my efforts- is this true?
- People aren’t caring for and appreciating me enough- is this true?
- I need people to show that they care and appreciate me more- is THIS true?
- I guess life is giving me back something for all the effort I’ve been putting in. I do have a lot of unresolved things on my ‘to do’ list still, but even if those tasks seem to be dragging on, there’s not a single one I don’t have answers for. I know what I have to do to take each thing into the next stage. So I guess no, it’s not true that life isn’t giving me back what I’m putting in: it’s giving me answers.
- There are many people in my life that do definitely show they care about me. There’s one person in particular that I feel should have called me last night because they said they would, but I guess I can’t know absolutely for sure that he doesn’t care about me enough. I mean, I know that sometimes he prays for me which I feel is the ultimate caring thing to do…and I wouldn’t have known if he did that. There’s a slight possibility that he prayed for me last night because he didn’t have time to call.
Also, when I judge him for not showing me enough care, I make him my enemy and in that way, I am not being caring enough towards him. When I was feeling a lack of love last night because I felt neglected, did I pray for him? (small voice) No….
- And do I even need people to show they love and appreciate me more?
Maybe I need to show other people that I love and appreciate them more? As I was writing I was just thinking that there’s certainly opportunities to show others that I care for them more. I could make more outreach calls instead of texting, and how about creating a prayer list? I’d love to have people to pray for.
And I definitely need to love and appreciate myself more. This morning I cleaned the kitchen up after my housemates and did a huge load of washing up. When I was doing it I was feeling resentful, like I was doing it because I had to. But I didn’t really have to because if I didn’t want to on some level then I wouldn’t have done it. So really I was giving my housemates all the credit for me being a helpful, organised, kind and tidy person! Doing the task with resentment towards others sure feels different to doing with love and appreciation for my own virtues!
So during the week I got an email from the volunteering bureau who received my application for an ‘activities support worker’; a position where I’d basically be overseeing/supporting someone through their physiotherapy/occupational therapy sessions. In the email I was told that I would probably be unsuccessful because I would only be able to offer 3 and a half month worth of my time.
And how do I feel about that?
Well, really mad actually.
Because first of all, this is not the first time I’ve applied for something on that website only to be told after I’ve spent time and effort filling in an application form that actually, the people who put the advert up haven’t bothered to put all their essential requirements in their advert. That pisses me off because their lack of effort, care and attention to what they’re doing wastes my time unnecessarily- it’s as if they think ‘well, it’s only a volunteer position’.
The other thing that pisses me off is that the reason that they aren’t willing to take someone on that can only work 3 and a half months is because they “have” to pay for CRB checks and follow up on references. Well I’m sorry to sound unsympathetic to this, but beggars can’t be choosers! It outrages me that they’re not prepared to make even the slightest contribution- they want to have their cake and eat it!! They want to have someone of a high calibre to work for them for absolutely nothing, demand that this commitment be for 6 months to a year and then not even be prepared to pay out £50 for admin costs!!!
In actual fact they are not required by law to have volunteers CRB checked anyway because they are never working on their own with an individual, but clearly they’re not willing to take that risk. Which is fair enough, but then they have to ask themselves whether it’s worth £50 and whether it’s realistic to demand that someone commit to at least 6 months of work.
I know I’ve probably made myself sound like the most unwilling, conditional-helper out there, but all the red-tape really annoys me. I did get in touch with the volunteering agency and nicely asked them why organisations didn’t state their full requirements in their adverts and people could only be told AFTER they’d made an application. I was told that they “can’t upload it to the website” so I think really they meant ‘won’t’, not ‘can’t’, so I’m still none the wiser as to WHY.
Finally, as the last part of my rant, I would just like to say that I am mad at the volunteering agency because I was told I would need to contact all the organisations myself. So what was the point of me having to fill in the application form for each of them online then? Jesus. Volunteers have time to GIVE, not time to WASTE.
It’s been about a week since I was last in the gym properly. But on the positive side, my 40 minute interval training session on the bike flew by. My fitness really is fairly good, shame that I’m so stuck in my eating disorder still I can’t lose any weight.
Today I am grateful for:
just asked me if I wanted a brand new photo album that A didn’t want. I’m taking it as a sign!
Well today I spoke to BackOnCourse about resuming my University studies and what to do next about the funding issue. It’s a rather sticky and complicated mess as I need an old doctor of mine to write me a letter to prove that I withdrew from a previous Uni due to ill health…but I’m no longer registered with that practice so they don’t have my medical records. Even the best letter in the world (if he is willing to write it in the first place) doesn’t guarantee that I will be granted the money, but I’m keeping fingers crossed. At the moment I’m waiting for a phonecall back from said Doctor with more info.
Also today: I sent an email to remind my old Professor to write me a letter of personal recommendation so I can apply for the academic scholarship (which would solve all the above problems- and more- in a trice!) Let’s hope he pulls his finger out and writes a goodun!
Finally, the people from the CAB rang me back and apart from almost crying on the phone (how embarrassing) I found out that in my circumstances I can continue in applying for the Employment and Support benefit, but not the housing benefit. There would be dire consequences if I did…so glad the CAB are impartial!
EDIT: to say I almost forgot. I dropped a letter into the Chiropractors’ clinic about work experience this afternoon!
I started this with enthusiasm, thinking it would be good to put on my CV to show I haven’t been wasting my time since I withdrew from Uni, plus I thought it would give me employability points. But the reality is that it was fairly tedious and I can’t really say I learnt that much. To be fair though, I have to be honest and say I do have more of an understanding about the implications of E&D in the community and workplace than I did before I started.
today for the static and active biceps femoris release exercises. Much better than the apple I was using haha!
I really want to make sure the exercises become a part of my daily routine to see if I can get rid of the pain.
Today I am grateful for:
I heard back from the place I applied to for work experience and apparently they have had lots of applicants and aren’t able to take anyone else on. I wrote an email back and thanked them anyway. I do feel disappointed but I guess I’ve just got to keep looking forwards and contact the next place.
Heard back from St Stephens and apparently they’re going to get back to me next week after the bank hol.
Also got my copy of the Income Support form in the post today- several errors on it(!) and I’ve got to check whether I can backdate my payments to Feb. Which is a hassle and means ANOTHER trip to the docs but would be worth it if I’m entitled t the money I suppose.
Yesterday I browsed through some sample CV designs (like the really expensive ones you pay for)for inspiration. I went for a fairly simple design (photo left hand side, name in a nice font in a header above a contact bar with symbols for modes of contact i.e. address, tel and email.) I’ve edited the information I had on my old CV to make it shorter and punchier rather than paragraphs and I’m much more pleased with it now.
Before I mark this goal as done I’d like to have a few more things to put under the employment/experience header, so I’ll wait until I’ve completed my work experience placements and festival work.
I know I’m a perfectionist, but I think if there’s an overall aspiration CV-wise it would be for it to appear more unified, so that my experience and interests etc seem more coherent. At the moment it’s a bit all over the place, but I guess that’s OK considering my age and the fact that I’ve not finished education and started on a FT career path yet.
My first part of the assessment has now passed, so I’ve moved onto the second unit.
As you progress through the course there’s various exercises you’re supposed to complete…I did them all for the first part but am skipping them for the second part as I just want to get it finished. It’s a bit of a gamble, but I don’t think the tutor really bothers to check them so hopefully I’ll get away with it!
I went to the sports therapist yesterday and she said my hip strength is excellent (among the best she’s seen) and hip flexibility was “amazing”.
Playing around on the hip adduction and abduction weights machines with the 90lb and 110lb weights has obviously paid off! And the daily hip flexor stretches too!
Had a sports therapy assessment and massage yesterday. It was really painful but I’m hoping it will help.
The past three days have entailed some of the worst binges I think I’ve ever put myself through and the anxiety levels I experienced were so extreme that I just felt like I was going crazy. It was so scary to have things descend to the level of sickness I experienced before I went into treatment and just not be able to do anything about it: I just lost sense of ‘normal’ and didn’t now how to get back.
Although my food has been waaaay out of control, weirdly I have made progress. I’ve been facing my fears about taking responsibility for my life, turning beliefs around and deciding ENOUGH!, as well as fostering greater independence from my parents and engaging with a coaching plan to specify and work towards clearer goals for the future.
My sense of control, security and esteem might have hit rock bottom, but my sense of self-efficacy has undeniably shot up in recent days. Maybe I needed to go through the experience to get truly focussed- yes, I’ve always known that I don’t want to live with an eating disorder and be paralysed by my feelings of emotional immaturity, but I haven’t ever really focussed on what I DO want and got really clear about systematically achieving them. I mean, who would want to work towards anything if there wasn’t the real hope and excitement of getting the goods at the end?
I can feel how resistant I am to let go of this pain, but equally: I know that I must relinquish the belief that I SHOULD be a certain weight and look a certain way and just get on with my life. I feel like it gives me control, but it doesn’t: the idea controls me.
OK, so it certainly doesn’t feel like it, but claiming an ‘employment support’ benefit is a really important step for me. It’s something I’ve never done before, but it feels a positive step towards increased independence from my parents. I phoned up this morning and found out it’s possible to have the payments backdated from February which would just be great.
I am grateful for:
I’m really scared at what I’m doing to my body and I just haven’t been able to stop today. I have an appt. with a psychiatric nurse tomorrow and then a sports massage after that to sort out my trapped nerve.
I really hope I’m not still feeling physically bloated and in pain by 12 tomorrow, though I do have to remember that I don’t look to others the way I feel in my head.
Agh. So angry and self loathing and frightened of what’s happening.