The_Deceived

I give up. I guess I’m just not good enough, or perhaps the time is not right, I’ve done alot of stupid things that alot of people frown upon, but she, I hope, appreciates me for, so, I’m going to keep doing those things as long as she needs me to, but aside from that. I’m going to kill myself if I keep trying. So. Yes. I love you, I still do.. But.. I’ve been dragged through the mud for nine months, and I just can’t hold on anymore.

I just went through here and read all my entries, I find it all pathetic, and miserably futile as well. It all fell apart a long time ago? What was the point of having this hope? Only to try and build everything of blocks created only by a shadow of a lie and watch the slightest movement knock the teetering tower down, smash the blocks and crush everything that was built up on and the foundation all together? I dunno, I guess.

But, I did give her time, and space. Months and months of it. It killed me. It destroyed me. It devoured me. No one there for me anymore, just myself, me and my lonesome, but, I must be pretty screwed up if I managed to push everything away like this, eh?

But, she did break up with that guy eventually, and she wanted me again. Lasted a good week, I guess I was just the rebound, because now it sure as hell looks like she’s pointing in his direction, and that only hurts me more and more considering I know what he has done for her, but she didn’t do anything, she didn’t care? Why?...

I give in though, let it all bury me, all I wanted was her, a falasey of hope, diminished and caved in, so to all who are willing to listen. Bury me.

My heart still beats for you, but I’m so sorry to say, it’s only a murmur. You hold my heart. You promised to protect it. But all you did was take from it, did you even known? I can’t hold on, no, not anymore, it’s all gone.. I love you, but bury me. And you have buried me, along with all the ghosts of happiness, a future, and hope, anything I could ever watch, crushed under her grasp, as I merely watched. Lost. Afraid. Dying and cold. This is the end, I always loved you…

I’ve done this, technically, as of October 19th, 2007. But it’s really, really eerie. One day, she says she wants to be my girlfriend, I’m so off the ground that day, that not a thing else mattered to me aside from those words. For her to say that, for her to want that… Again. Everything was great for about a week. Then things started going to hell, she barely ever talks to me. EVER. I’m lucky to see her a half-hour in a two week period. And when we do it’s so distant, like she feels something, but she doesn’t want to give notice to it. She doesn’t want to admit to it.. She’s not sincere with anything she says anymore, she says I love you, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same at all, it’s so empty and cold..

And last week she told me she was going out with another guy, how am I supposed to feel about that? I get upset, and not the way most guys do. I blame it on myself, I cry. She says she doesn’t want to be, but she can’t say anything to him for fear of hurting him. I can understand that, I honestly can… But, she doesn’t realize what that does to me.. How much it hurts me.. It’s killing me inside. Yet she goes by as if nothing is wrong at all. Like everything is just fine.. It’s killing me. It really. Truly is. Most people would say that she is playing me, but I don’t believe that for a moment.. It all just hurts so badly.. I can’t understand why… Why things are this horrid. This painful. Why can’t she see? Why can’t she choose who she loves? Why does she do this….

I can play… But not well enough to be happy with my progress. And to add, I need more advanced books. =/